#1
Ya know those like, beams of light that shine down through the clouds and look really really cool? We call those jesus beams. I know it's short, but I'm undecided as to adding more. For now lets call it a Work In Progress, even though it might not be. Who knows.

Jesus Beams

Splinters of light fall like
Coffin nails through the clouds
Shut the lid on another day
And say a prayer for sunset
The red and yellow waves of light
Are just faded blood on the edge
of clouds
As the whole world falls apart
As the whole world fades to black
The sun sets down six feet under
The heat begins to drain away
This is missing you
And being more sorry than you
Could ever know

Rock On
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Last edited by Petey Cook at Aug 6, 2006,
#2
I can see this as a good song but it seems more like a poem. Just my opinion lol, i think you should carry it on it cud be good, id certainly crit the full piece. It needs organizing a bit too but i got a tad bit of OCD so meh, crit my peice if u got the time lol.
Songs working on :

Nitelife
#3
lol your "work in progress" looks better than some of my complete ideas...very thoughtful, even if incomplete
#4
Well thanks for the reads, fellas.

Rock On
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[url="http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=727775[/url"]Pattern Recognition

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#6
Quote by merkalos666
If u come up with more let us know. this is pretty good


agreed. more is good.
#7
Dont think more is better in this case.
Its fantastic as it is, it needs not to be an epic long novel to be good. But thats just my oppinion. I think this is amazing and a cool thing to write about =]
Keep it up!
Can you crit mine? tis called Michael =]
franz xxx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#8
Sure thing, Franzy. Thanks for the reads.

Rock On
Newest Lyrics:
[url="http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=727775[/url"]Pattern Recognition

Short Stories:
Anniversary
#9
Work in prgress my arse

No more needed here, I don't think. Although I felt the imagery wasn't hugely strong, I don't know if I've read enough of your pieces to judge that.

But still, great stuff.

I'd appreciate it if you could crit my newest piece, here. Many thanks if you do
#10
did you mean 'coffin nails' not 'coffing nails'? if you were going for the personification than more power to ya, I'm just not sure if thats what you meant. Overall, this just seemed... uh, phoned-in I guess, I didnt feel any real emotion. Sure you used emotive lines but the overall image I got was that you thought you had a brilliant idea for an entire piece but you couldnt think of what the real idea behind it was so you put in some nice imagery and a fairly 'powerful' but cliche ending.

...
then again, this could just be me. and dont get me wrong, I always like your imagery, lines like "The red and yellow waves of light
Are just faded blood on the edge
of clouds"
are lines that I wish I thought of. But again, all I got from this piece was some nice lines and nice imagery, both things that your very very good at, so I dont feel the need to compliment you on them that much

well, thats about it, and this is really only one mans opinion, o, and on your question if you should elongate it, dont, I would take a couple of lines/ideas from this and make a completely new piece.

if you would: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=384641
#11
Yeah. To be perfectly honest, I scribbled this all down in my lyrics journal while listenign to Paramore's "Franklin" (the parts about being home and what that is, specifically) and a few hours later thought "Hey, that could be a nice standalone." But like I said, I'm really undecided about it. So like I said, who knows. Thanks for the read. And I already got to yours. Nyah nyah.

EDIT: it's "Coffin." No G.

Rock On
Newest Lyrics:
[url="http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=727775[/url"]Pattern Recognition

Short Stories:
Anniversary
#13
I really liked it. The only thing I didn't like is the title. You were able to tell us what "Jesus Beams" were and you don't always have the ability to do that with a listener/reader.

Great Job!
#14
I love this piece and there is no doubt that you should focus all energy into expanding upon it.

"Splinters of light fall like
Coffin nails through the clouds
Shut the lid on another day"
^^ Those lines are f*cking killer, bro. Keep up the great work.