#1
Hey. As far as im concerned, this song is pretty personal to me. At times clishe but... the words would just be meaningless as apposed to what "just sounds good"
If you can offer help in changing this you are more than welcome!
Im crit for crit. As always =p
franz xx

I miss, i love, i feel
Inhale, exhale, i breathe
I hope, i feel, i pray
Michael please don't leave

For what it's worth - was for the best
But please don't be like all the rest
Michael please don't leave


I want, i try, i see
Confused, i think, i know
I fake, i make, i break
Michael please don't go

For what it's worth - was for the best
But please don't be like all the rest
The ones who left - they left in style
But wont you stay with me a while?
Michael please don't leave


If i give my heart to you,
Il have none and youll have two
Michael please don't leave
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#3
Thankyou =P The words in bold would be the chorus...

franZ xxxxxx
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#5
excellent song. there some really awesome parts in there, especially the chorus, and it flows nicely. 8.5/10.
B.C. RICH
#6
Good, solid stuff, with strong emotion. Really liked this one Franz.

Maybe a few forced rhymes, but like you said, emotion first here.

Any relation to this and your last piece ? :P

Nice work, and thanks for your crit on mine
#7
Thanks everyone, na nothing to do with my last peice.
Well...basically - michael....
Hes one of my closest friends.
And recently due to curcumstances, all my close male friends have been drifting away [moving to differant countries,loosing touch] etc.
One of my closest mates also died.
Basically its a song written out of pure dread that the same sort of thing will happen with michael, who is so impotant to me.

Hope that helps =]
xx
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#8
I'm sorry to hear that Franz, I know what your going/been through.

Hope things look up for you soon, sorry for trying to make a joke there I actually didn't read into it that much- my bad.

Good Luck Franz
#9
I think it's a little ungrounded right now. The style is nice, but without a more standard section, it just falls short. I don't mind the piece as you have now, but I think it could be much more. Especially if you really use those little sections to drive home ideas that you present in a more solid section. Anyway. It's cute as it is, but it could be better. Good start, though.

Rock On
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#10
Awww no hey its fine, no offense was taken =D
The other song was a waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay differant issue hehehe.

Thanks man.
Where the heck would i be without Jammydude44, you legend
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#11
Petey Cook, thankyou =p
i realise its not great but as i said, its more of the meaning than anything =]
Good luck man =o

franz xxx
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#12
You too. Writing stuff that isn't perfect is the only way to get better.

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#13
I find it strange that most ppl liked the chorus more than the verses. I think they are more original and flows nicely. IMO the verses are perfect

Chorus sounds a bit dull to me, could be the predictable rhyming, I think you should give it more time. Maybe you can write it in a different way and still get the message through?

Oh and btw I love your simplicity, you pack lots of emotions into just a few words, givning each word meaning, much unlike some of the mile long ramblings I've read lately.
the show must go on.
#14
Thankyou muchly. When read the chorus looks abit... =/ meh, but when its played it sounds sweet.
It be acoustic !

Thanks for all yer crits guys.
FraNZ xxxxx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#15
firstly, cheers for critting Aftermath

But yeah, I really get the emotionc oming from this song. It moved me, especially after reading your reasons for writing it, cos we all go through something similar (I'm not gonna say the same, cos we don't all have friends move to other countries etc.). It's good that you captured what a person would physically be doing whilst in this situation, willing for someone to stay.

Keep up the good work
#17
Well i have to disagree with your "emtion first" notion. Don't get me wrong, i did like this but i'm just saying, complication often gives it more impact but i realise what style you've gone for and i respect it. A solid piece with, obviously, a lot of emotion. Nothing ground breaking, but the sentimental value and content of feelings makes it a great individual piece.

Nice work, i would like to see you have a try at some more complicated and obscure things in the future

Could you look a "Upcoming" please? I've barely had any crits and it's pretty dead now. Cheers.

Edit: it's in my sig
#19
=p thankyou all. Drowning_helena, and Jammydude [ANYMORE!!] and caz_guiar_dude
I appreciate all your crits and opinions.

I could easily have made the song more complex. But in my opinion it would have made it fake.
Il get to all yer songs asap, as for now im off to see the McFLY movie
*turns bright red*
AHEM....
Not that i like McFLY.
But i promise il be back later to crit.

AnYMORE????
franz xx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#21
Thanks AmplifySilence, i critted yer song!
Umm, things are okie dont worry, its just the dread of a repeat performance if you know what i mean.
thanks yall =]

franz xxx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#22
Hey this is a real swell song you have here everytime I read the chorus I get the tune to good riddence stuck in my head but it's just because the first line is the same as in that song. Anyway I really like this song and I like how it flows. Does it have music yet?

anyway 9/10

if you get a chance can you please crit one of my songs please.
#23
thanks dude. I will get right onto one of your songs =D
Err, it does have some music but im not sure if il stick with it =s
thanks again.

franZ x
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#24
Franzabobanza, I'm really feeling this song your style and skill not only of that as a writer but a better person have really "wowed" me. This song reminds me of The Beatles "And I Love Her" mainly because the way the chorus is sung in that song, I picture it would be in a relative matter in this song. I like the scheme of rhymes in this piece. It shouts out "Skill" while saying "This is who I am" in a whole different manner of exppresionism. I like how theres almost no defined chorus except the last line in each verse, very sly indeed. As for the idea, I've heard stuff like this from a few bands before but this is just a little different form each of the copyrighted versions because the way you wrote it somehow. Beautiful job Franz, 9/10.
If The Archers Bows Have Broken, Then I Hope To God They Know How To Fight.