#1
I false advertise, its what i do, this is actually the last piece I'll post here for awhile, sorry about lieing and everything. uh ya, I'm sure I owe some people stuff but its still rit 4 rit [sic], and this is a little ballad of how I learned how to write... cause everything I've written before is crap and bull****. I figured out how to write! YAY ME!

I awoke


In the foreground
Venus had turned her shoulder,
Covering me in obscurity,
And while season faded to dreary tundra,
Dust fell, coating my window,
Making my face look older in
A paranormal reflection.

But it was today that dust was cleared,
And that hazy picture that had appeared
Since the sun had set,
Was wiped forever from reflection.

For I awoke today, and
For the first time since the static?s fall
I saw that burning morning Jay
Rapping at my window, and it was today
I thought of something as ?beautiful?,
And even though my sun-blurred lashes
Led the light askew,
I couldn?t help but watch,
As his little lungs pushed the glass ajar,
While his feathers blew about
Catching flame in eerie starburst about his weary figure;
And radiance swept in through glossy panes with,
An extra tint of inspiration.

And morning has never been so real,
The burning Jay's image never so clear, for
I never did see the flame that Venus had bestowed
To the perfect beds of flowers in the sunlit window?s shadow
Before June 14, 2006:
The day that I awoke.


Cheersizzle...

*edited*
Last edited by #1 synth at Jun 30, 2006,
#2
Right now it's not bad. But that's pretty far from being good. Right now if I read it without reading your introduction, I wouldn't think it had anything to do with writing, other than some vague images like scratching at your window which could be scratching on a piece of paper but that's way too far-ranged. I think there's a LOT you could do with writing and all that, especially with waking up, tying it all in. So right now it only gets half-way I think. Still a good start.

You owe me like, a million crits. And a nomination. <3

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#4
It wont let me edit my previous post, who should I talk to about that? (I just love that smilie)

O, and the reason why I was going to edit my previous post was because it truly doesnt matter the subject, in fact, I didnt originally write it on writing and its much more of a free-form interpretative piece than me having a set meaning, the point in all of this is that it can apply to the reader, which is really what I was going for.

edit: nvm, I figured out why it wouldnt let me edit, it had something to do with my cookies or some other internet thang.

Edit 2: 2nd stanza slightly edited.
Last edited by #1 synth at Jun 28, 2006,
#5
I can see how it is about writing. I'm not sure if this is what you were going for, but to me it sounds like it's about having writers block, and just letting the ideas come to you when they do, and not trying to force it. The bird being the words or the inspiration, and the window in between you, with the bird getting through the window on it's own (He opened those great sheets of fractured picture
And radiance swept in with,
Inspiration). Overall, i thought it was pretty good. Really good imagery and not too abstract that it sounds like a bunch of meaningless words strung together. If you have time, could you take a look at another one i posted called 'contradictive dictions'. heres the link if you want
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=384639
#6
ya, I just switched it up again so it had a little bit more concrete message on writing, cause... well just cause .

thanks for the crit and I'll get to yours as soon as I can
#7
Well, here is 1 of 2...so do one more so I can repay you in full, because then Id have to go searching for an earlier piece...and thats just a lot of work ...haha just kidding

Anyways, just for your reference O.T.S.=On The Spot, as in, you never pre-wrote it, you just sat at the keyboard and typed it as it came to you.

To the crit:

I awoke today and
Saw that burning morning Jay
Tapping at my window,
I thought of him ?beautiful?,
He spoke to me ?beautiful?,
And even though my sun-blurred lashes
Led the light askew,
I couldn?t help but watch,
As his little lungs pushed glass ajar
And brushed the panes with a gentle nudge,
While breeze blew bright blue feathers
Catching flame in eerie starburst about his weary figure.
Alright, the stanza is fine. I just seem to have flow issues...haha. In the fourth line, I think it would read better if you included the word "as" after "him." In the fifth line, do you mean "beautifully?" It would flow better that way, unless you are writing this as a deeper thought-process than what is written such as:

(Example)-I thought of him (And in your head you thought, "beautiful" as in, "Wow, that is beautiful") and then in the fifth line when he spoke to you (In your head you thought "Wow, that is beautiful")

But if it is something along those lines, I still think to better the flow you should reword. Now, towards the rest of the stanza, you kind of broke the rhyme scheme which isnt necessarily bad, but in some ways it takes away from the flow if you had some type of scheme to start with. The lines themselves are nice though, and simple and to the point.


He opened those great sheets of fractured picture
And radiance swept in with,
Inspiration.
I really didnt catch where the "fractured picture" comes in from the first stanza. At first I thought you meant like curtains or something, but Im probably wrong. But, the rest of it is fine.

I awoke today and
Saw that burning whining willow
Scratching at my forehead, so
I screamed a promise to myself, a promise
To the perfect beds of flowers
In the sunlit willow shadow.
I screamed, ?I awoke today!?
?I awoke today!?
And they all screamed back,
"Inspiration!"
Alright, this was all good until the last 5 or so lines. I understand that "you awoke today," and I dont think that it needs to be repeated that many times as it takes away from the piece, in my opinion. I also found the last 2 lines to be out of place in a way, because it didnt have the flow as the "inspiration" bit did in the second stanza. I think that you should maybe showcase how the willow tree gave you inspiration as well, or maybe you screamed something else too them to gather that answer in return. Because to just scream "inspiration" the way you described makes no sense to me.

I awoke today and the
Morning has never been so real,
The burning Jay's image never so clear, for
I never saw the fire.
Nice bit...especially how you came back to the first stanza in a way.

I awoke today.

Sorry if I sounded harsh. The piece on its own was fine, as in the meaning was fine. It started out with something creative, but ended abruptly in my opinion. I think that you just have a lot of flow issues and if you re-worked them then you should have a solid piece. Thanks for critting mine, as you usually do
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#8
haha, you dont have to do another crit, this one was more than enough, very very thorough. Actually that helped me alot more than probably any other crit I've received, which is weird because I've received alot of crits.

... (damn I <3 that smilie)
#11
Ahh, I started a crit for you, like a full crit as you did for me, and I couldn't come up with anything except for this is nice, I really liked this, etc. So. Something I didn't particularly care for was the lack of a steady flow. Pehaps where you say 'I awoke today!' maybe put in another similar line, because you had just used that as your opening line and it really doesn't have that zest of something unintroduced to the piece, especially since you said it so dismissively in the start, or it would seem. I dunno, even something really simple, and you could even repeat it right after. I loved how the ending tied together the whole piece, and kind of revisited the introduction. As for you topic, nice, and as for the way you addressed it, it was nice too. Good work<33
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#12
I think you should do like in poetry and go dot dot dot and then add something about the medula oblongotta.
#13
In the foreground
Venus had turned her shoulder,
Covering me in obscurity,
And while season faded to dreary tundra,
Dust fell coating my window,
Making my face look older in
A paranormal reflection.

this is a really cool opening, i really like the imagery and direct references to classic examples of poetry. only one thing i shall point out about this stanza: "Dust fell coating my window," is one long garble, you need to put punctuation in after "dust feel" otherwise it is not natural and not really corretc grammar tbh. either a semi-colon, colon or even a comma would suffice
but yeah great intro man =]

But it was today,
June 14 2006,
It was today that dust was cleared,
And that hazy picture that had appeared
Since the sun had set,
Was wiped forever from reflection.

this was also really good. the only thing i didn't really like ehre was the 2nd to last line: "Since the sun had set". i don't kow why, but it really sticks out and i don't feel it at all man. it's kinda cliched i guess, sun setting and whatnot, but like... it feels really sort as well. i'd try lengthening it a bit or summat. but yeah good stanza \m/

I awoke today, and
I saw that burning morning Jay
Rapping at my window, and it was today
I thought of something as ?beautiful?
For the first time since the static?s fall,
And even though my sun-blurred lashes
Led the light askew,
I couldn?t help but watch,
As his little lungs pushed the glass ajar,
While his feathers blew about
Catching flame in eerie starburst about his weary figure;
And radiance swept in through glossy panes with,
An extra tint of inspiration.

perfect.

Then I screamed a promise to myself, a promise
To the perfect beds of flowers in the sunlit window?s shadow.
I screamed, ?I awoke today!?
?I awoke today!?
?And I will never again be caged by season!?

i relaly really don't like the "then i screamed" it was wayyy too narrative and sonds like you're telling me a story, which fine, you may be, but it jsut doesn't sound good IMO, the "then" i mean. I would simple cross it out and erase it from the piece. aaprt from that, this is great.

Morning has never been so real,
The burning Jay's image never so clear, for
I never did see the flame that Venus had bestowed
Upon the world
Before June 14, 2006:
The day that I awoke.
i don't like the repittion of the date. i don't know why, but putting a full date in writing intended as art always annoys me. i didn't mention it before because i thought ah just one time, tis his piece, i can let it pass. but twice just sounds wrong IMO. i think it sounds, i dunno, not too formal, but like... too rigid, to fit properly into such work.

nice ending though, nicely tied up.

so yeah... good peice man, although i do have to say, this isn't as good as your other stuff tbh. don't get me wrong, it's great, but not as good as yer others
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#16
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I think you should do like in poetry and go dot dot dot and then add something about the medula oblongotta.


wha???

much <3 to Alice and Ally, you gals are much too nice than is good for ya

Oh, and thanks to Amplify silence too, I couldnt have pulled this off without you. I'll be returning the crits now.
#19

I awoke


In the foreground
Venus had turned her shoulder,
Covering me in obscurity, This is incredibly textured. It's all about the details. Interesting way of detailing your problems "scoring" with the ladies hehe.
And while season faded to dreary tundra,
Dust fell, coating my window,
Making my face look older in
A paranormal reflection. The metaphor was amazing. Like a painting. An impressionist painting.

But it was today that dust was cleared,
And that hazy picture that had appearedNice continuation with the dust image. The flow here is paticularly delectable. Your "third eye' has been awakened by writing.
Since the sun had set,
Was wiped forever from reflection. How about "since the faded sun that set"? You return on the faded element of the first stanza while gramatically setting up the next line.

For I awoke today, and
For the first time since the static?s fall
I saw that burning morning Jay
Rapping at my window, and it was todayI dig the double entendre. Bird=inspiration
I thought of something as ?beautiful?,
And even though my sun-blurred lashes
Led the light askew,
I couldn?t help but watch,
As his little lungs pushed the glass ajar,
While his feathers blew aboutIt flowed so much that I didn't want to break it up with a comment hehe. The "" were ironic, nice touch.I really like the firgure you used to personify inspiration,reminiscent of Poe perhaps...
Catching flame in eerie starburst about his weary figure;
And radiance swept in through glossy panes with,
An extra tint of inspiration.Your metaphor in this stanza was clear and "un-miss-interpret-able". This was perfect. Really, world class.

And morning has never been so real,
The burning Jay's image never so clear, for
I never did see the flame that Venus had bestowed
To the perfect beds of flowers in the sunlit window?s shadow
Before June 14, 2006:
The day that I awoke.Perfect wrp-up, this is how it's meant to be. You were able to use really cool symbols without it clouding up your piece. Super conclusion.


Great song #1, probably the best I've seen of you. It's very exciting for UG to see that the muse is back in your bed. Have fun in Birdland by the way!

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=381988&goto=nextoldest
#20
poochyboy, you deserve a goddamn award or something, you are by far (well, either you or Steve) the most knowledgeble person on this site and you analyzed out things in this piece that I completely subcounciously put in like the "Interesting way of detailing your problems "scoring" with the ladies" as you so astutely put it (though I must say me and this girl have been going steady for about a month, but thats neither here nor there ) I have also noticed that you are the king of flattery, you have such a manipulative way with words I'll get to yours when i get home, as of now I'm actually going to walk over to aforementioned gf's house and we're gonna go catch ourselves a midnight showing of some chickflick, its gonna be awesome
#21
This piece is pretty cool. Kind of reminded me of Frank Herbert's Dune Chronicles (Have you read them? They're AWESOME.)

"A paranormal reflection. "

That line just seems stuck in my head. Good stuff.
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