#1
I posted this before, but I'm an idiot, and didn't put the title of the song as the title of the post so it got closed. These are just the verses, don't really have a full song shaped up or anything, just wondering what people thought of them. Crit for crit.

Please not those who run with wolves
they don't know what they're about
angry with the world at large
filled with hatred envious doubt
passionate hearts with bad intentions
revenge on the menu stay it shall
don't seek justice but rather vengeance
harmony stops on a dime at their wall

Please not those who feed on hope
the truth they never really saw
see the world through a shroud of mist
faith directed towards the law
optimistic angst leaks through gritted teeth
tears just behind their eyes linger
life is nothing but a series of bright sides
reality waits behind every corner
#2
Please not those who run with wolves
they don't know what they're about
angry with the world at large
filled with hatred envious doubt


the beginnin is ok, but imo the last line here could do with sm work, bet it could be improved.

passionate hearts with bad intentions
revenge on the menu stay it shall
don't seek justice but rather vengeance
harmony stops on a dime at their wall


hmm, i have trouble gettin smth from the flow here. i know the number of syllables is the same on the first three lines, but i just don't like it that much. u should be aware of the intonation every word has, cos that can make any definite syllable numbers less important - or not important at all. dunno, to tell the truth i liked how the last line flowed, but nothin more. on the other hand, the first and the third line also have a pretty good wordin. line two is just too weird for me, not my kind of thing at all.

Please not those who feed on hope
the truth they never really saw
see the world through a shroud of mist
faith directed towards the law


first two lines r good, not a single problem with them. last two lines... oh well, firstly i think u ought to change that "see" on the third line to smth different, cos it sounds terrible in my head to have "saw" and "see" so close together. the last line could also do with sm rewordin, it could flow better.

optimistic angst leaks through gritted teeth
tears just behind their eyes linger
life is nothing but a series of bright sides
reality waits behind every corner


hmm... the word choice in this part is pretty good, especially in the first line, but it just doesn't flow as well as it ought to, i think. moreover, the ideas u've got here r good alone, but they're kinda detached one from the others. dunno, i'd say it needs smth more, be it rewordin, linkin the ideas in sm way or w/e u wanna do with it.


k, that's about it, hope this is of any use. btw, i hope u don't get the impression that i only saw flaws, cos in fact i quite like this piece, there's sm pretty good stuff in it and it shows potential. u ever tried freewritin? that's smth i'd like to c, if u have. keep it up, mate. good job

ana.
so who do i have to kill to get a crit? --> Memory


(e-cookie for whoever spots the alliteration, ha)


y cuando llegue el momento, sólo el viento se llevará lo que siento; y cuando acabe mi suerte, sólo en la muerte estaré fuerte y despierto...
Last edited by spanishsmn at Jun 28, 2006,
#4
Please not those who run with wolves
they don't know what they're about

i may just be a complete dumbass, but these lines and their grammer completely baffled me, I dont really know what your trying to say... maybe add some punctuation in there somewhere?

angry with the world at large
filled with hatred envious doubt
passionate hearts with bad intentions
revenge on the menu stay it shall
ug, all your really doing is restating a similar idea over and over and over again in similar, but vaguely different manners, really no 'progression in plot' (and i use that term loosely) at all here. O, and that last line sounds like you were trying so hard to be poetic that you just ended up sounding crazy, it really sounds unnatural.

don't seek justice but rather vengeance
meh, its an alright line, but again, the attempt at pure poetics (yay alliteration!) in 'but rather' made it alot harder to comprehend

harmony stops on a dime at their wall
I ****ing loved this line.

Please not those who feed on hope
the truth they never really saw
okay, I get what your doing here, I get the 'grammer' and how your stating it, its just very weird, and unnecesarily weird at that. Also, this is still unnatural.

see the world through a shroud of mist
faith directed towards the law
optimistic angst leaks through gritted teeth
tears just behind their eyes linger
life is nothing but a series of bright sides
reality waits behind every corner
your ending idea/conclusion is brilliant, but heres the problem: the rest of the poem/lyrics have nothing to do with the conclusion you reach... so ya.

Overall, good idea, bad execution, its like your trying to be a stereotypical 'poet' by using poetic terms and 'poetic' rephrasing of phrases. Not really sure what to suggest, but uh, read the lyrics tips thread, o, and read some Jack Kerouac, I just picked up his 'Book Of Sketches' and its a great read.

O, and crit my newest please? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=384641
#5
i agree with the guy above....you kinda dont have a straight up specific topic. On this piece or your other u have good writing its just not matching up. The first 2 lines completely throw things off so if i were you i'd change it. On the next 4 lines i agree with the guy above again. You kinda use the whole angry/bad idea in each line. Try using metaphors to help get certain points across and less emotion..might help. The next 2 lines are good, but don't really match up to the rest of this poem/song. I think the next 2 lines should be the ones you start with and use the word "see" instead of saw (try to keep to one tense whether it be past or present). I love the last 6 lines. Try making the last 8 lines your first and rewording the rest to fit. Could help you a lot on the whole matching up thing.