#1
This series that I am writing is a long and drawn out series of events that I have experienced over a long, long period of time during my freshman year at college. And sometimes I wish this all never happened, and other times I wish it would never stop happening. And it sucks. But, that's life I suppose.

But the way I have written it is meant to be sporadic and cliched at some points. It was a thought-process really.

Crit 4 crit. And all that fun stuff.

Well Best Friends Means...: Part 1
Fabula Nova Crystallis


I'm nervous.
Anxiety has swept over my entire body, like the Earth was going through a constant phase of "spring-cleaning."
I have just noticed the most beautiful girl I had ever seen.
Yes, it's a cliche. But you would have said the same thing if you peered from behind my eyelids.
Like the children hanging over the glass barrier at the pet store.
Just wanting to grab at the group of puppies, but whose arms were too short to run their fingers through the fur.
I was ecstatic, though shy. In fact, I was the most shy I had ever been in my life.
But she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen.
And I wish I could have recorded that moment, before my memory ran out of battery.

But through the blue, steel door I found 16 steps.
And little did I know that I would have to pass the trial of them all, before being able to receive my verdict
Of whether or not anything would work out.
I never worked out.

Though, that never affected her. And I thought, something could happen.
Though, she was attached to another by the ankle. And it seemed, as if she wore the key to release the bond around her neck.
Though, I was sinking deeper and deeper into a quicksand of instances that I wish I could have taken back.
And the whole time, I loved to hate to love every minute of it.
Though, I only paid attention to the hours.
As the seconds, willingly, tied me down.

Her blonde hair whispered something that I could never accurately make-out. How I wanted to just make-out.......
Those words.
And her green eyes were cut just like the finest emeralds, sculpting envy and greed amongst my passion.

But I never heeded to the warnings.
Because I always thought I'd be ready to hide underneath my emotional desk.
The top made out of the cheapest wood, but engraved with the most expensive tools, forming the letters.

"K.J."

Though, they never explained to me why. When this atomic bomb of a situation would be dropped upon my third-world mind.
How a wooden desk would save me. When it would eventually...definitely be set aflame.
And I thought, that as long as I could gaze into those emerald eyes. I would willingly burn-alive forever.
Can You Fill In The Blanks?
Last edited by xArCaDiAx at Jun 29, 2006,
#2
I have just noticed the most beautiful girl I had ever seen.
you have present tense and past tense in the same sentence here

The entire piece was an enjoyable read. I don't know what the "Well best friends means..." in the title has anything to do with the piece, (i know it's a tbs reference and i know the rest of the quote) but perhaps it's relevance will come in the follow-up pieces.

It seems like each stanza had a mix of creativity, a lack of creativity, and everything in between. Not a bad mix by any means.

Because this is long, ever-changing, and as you said, sporadic, it's hard to crit part by part, but that's ok because I enjoyed most of it enough to not crit anything.

can't wait to read the others. good work.
#3
It's good, but I thought it lacked a little something.

My main problem I think is the lack of any real flow that keeps it easy to read. I know it's not exactly a poem piece, but flow does add to any piece or writing, IMO, and it allows the piece to come to life.

However, I do think you have some great ideas here, and it's well executed. You have the idea of what you want to do with these pieces in your head, so I guess I'll just wait for the rest.

8/10. Nice job, although I think some flow would add to it
#4
Haha Blake. Only you would pick out something like that. But yes, you are right, the "Well Best Friends Means" portion will come into play in a later piece. This one was just to offer an introduction.

And Jammy (don't know your name yet), flow does help, you are right. But my intention was to showcase the thoughts of myself during this time and sometimes that doesnt always have flow..haha. But I do understand what you mean and agree with it in a way

...Im still at work though, until like 11pm-12am...so all crits will be given when I get back.

Any more? I know its a bit longer than most of the stuff here..
Can You Fill In The Blanks?
#5
This is amazing. Seriously..I was like 'omgoshhh' because all of the imagery and description being so beautiful. You should write a novel, because I'd love to read it. You wrote about the words most cliche thing and you did it splendidly. BUT, you've got a lot to live up to now, if you haven't written the later parts of this because this has set a pretty high bar. You'll pull it off brilliantly though, I'm sure.

P.S done much rappin' lately?
BUY SOME PHOTOS..Click here, and then click 'store'

Quote by GOD*OF*ROCK
lol man plz dont take this the wrong way but you really cant rap.
#6
Thanks Ally <3

Unfortunately, I havent written all the pieces to it yet...and with my luck each one will get worse...haha. But, in a way, its what I really felt, with metaphors and stuff tied into it.

Ill get to who I owe within the day, sorry, Ive just been busy with work.


Anymore?
Can You Fill In The Blanks?
#7
Did you rip the title from a TBS lyric? You seem to be familiar with them by your icon, which even shows part of the lyrics of the same song Theres No I In Team I believe it goes,
And if we go down,
we go down together
best friends means,
well best friends means

then later on...
Best friends means I pulled the trigger
Best friends means you get what you deserve

Unoriginal, not cool
#8
Call me Jamie

And I only brought up flow because the piece was so good.. Did I only say 8/10? It's at least a nine, on a second readthrough. sorry, I must not have been fully with it, even if it was the afternoon- Great work.
#9
Hmm...

I dunno. You've got really great ideas in this but as a whole I feel it lacks cohesiveness. The way you dance around with different metaphors, it can get confusing and hard to get a real feel for the piece.

I really enjoyed the words, but they never really joined together to create something spectacular. Never sacrifice purpose for pretty sounding sentences. (Whoa, I've used way too much alliteration in this post, I'll stop now.)

So all in all: Good words. Not a very good piece due to lack of cohesiveness. That's all.