#1
Its here, we stand, in the forgotten city
Where the air is toxic and the skyline falls
In the silence that was?
The sounds of gunshots shatter ear drums
And puncture hearts

As the city sleeps to a new awakening?

We could have had it all
But we never found,
What we were looking for
Lost memories are fading away
In the city that was?.
Blah.
Last edited by JeffJefferson at Jun 30, 2006,
#2
i really liked this, it was quite a dark piece which is seemingly your style these days. reminds me of paris in flames for some reason, i dunno. but yeah you're efinately getting stronger and stronger as a writer. good workkk!

mineee!
Quote by Jaret Reddick
wake me up when september ends makes me cry evry time!

emos forever
:-(
#3
This was a good piece. Too bad it was short. I would write another verse, but if you have to force it out, then don't do it. Anyways thanks for the crit.
#4
Good, but I think you can improve that third stanza, it's not as powerful or as creative as the other one.

Nice job. Keep it up.
#5
I'm glad I stumbled across this piece, because I liked it.. I just think that the last stanza isn't quite up to par with the rest of the poem. Not bad, just not as creative/innovative as the first stanza.

Also, The sounds of gunshots shatter ear drums
And punctures hearts


In this you have "punctures" where it should be just "puncture." just a simple little grammatical error.


Overall, I enjoyed this good work.