#1
This is a little narrative. I've tried to be original, but this may have been done to death before. I'll do a crit for crit and hopefully I can be more responsive to your pleas.

There?s always been a time and place for reason
When science prevails over all bar naught
All of life?s troubles can be overcome
Just by the power of the mind
Nothing else at all

We forget we are all animals in a giant circus
Rationale is a strange and alien concept
We hold proverbial crosses forward
Shouting out archaic rituals
?Get back, Satan!?

How easily we can fool ourselves into comprehension
When all we really do is perjure at face value
Judging not whom we see before ourselves
But whom we want to see standing there
No wonder we have stopped evolving

Then there are the blind connoisseurs of music and love
Sabotaging symphonies unchanged for centuries
Murdering melodies we used to recite at will
Shame on you all for these heathen crimes
We do not understand but we will know
#2
There?s always been a time and place for reason
When science prevails over all bar naught
All of life?s troubles can be overcome
Just by the power of the mind
Nothing else at all
Good opener, it's simplistic yet intelligent. Good work here.

We forget we are all animals in a giant circus
Rationale is a strange and alien concept
We hold proverbial crosses forward
Shouting out archaic rituals
?Get back, Satan!?
Nothing I dislike about this stanza; very solid.

How easily we can fool ourselves into comprehension
When all we really do is perjure at face value
Judging not whom we see before ourselves
But whom we want to see standing there
No wonder we have stopped evolving
Nice, nice. The last line wrapped this stanza up very well. At this rate I won't have one bad thing to say about this piece, haha.

Then there are the blind connoisseurs of music and love
Sabotaging symphonies unchanged for centuries
Murdering melodies we used to recite at will
Shame on you all for these heathen crimes
We do not understand but we will know
My favorite stanza so far, excellent writing here (and throughout).

Good job, buddy. I really have no qualms with this piece. It's refreshing to finally read some intelligent literature on this site. I really wish I could offer some constructive criticism, but all I can really do is say: two thumbs up!
#3
Thanks for the read through. Although I'm happy to take the "intelligent literature" and pop it in the top drawer of my vanity chest, there are others which are far more intelligent, perhaps there can be an elite group of writers who'll collectively contribute, I don't know, a piece of writing a month? Yeah, I like the sound of that
#4
Hah, perhaps these days I don't read enough peoples' work on this site (definitely true) but recently I haven't seen a lot of impressive writing. There definitely is a good handful of it, but it comes sporadically as far as I've been able to tell in my past 4 years here.

This year has probably been the worst year of writers I've seen so far, probably just because it's a flood of newbies who come to share their "firzt Songz!"

There used to be an elite group of writers, though. About a year ago, haha.. it was called the "Munch Bunch," and I think there were about 6-8 of us. We didn't really do anything special, everyone just looked up to us.

Maybe it's time for the Munch Bunch reincarnation?
#5
Solid piece, if, for me, a little flat, if you get what I'm saying.

I think it could maybe add to the piece if you threw in a couple of internal rhymes and assonance, or something else that keeps the reader into the piece, just to mix it up a bit- it seems a bit in-your-face and rahter heavy, but thats just my opinion.

Then there are the blind connoisseurs of music and love
Sabotaging symphonies unchanged for centuries
Murdering melodies we used to recite at will


That just read brilliantly.

All in all, a fine piece- I can only give you my opinon

If you could, I would appreciate your comments on "I saw you through my lenses". Many Thanks if you do.
#6
There?s always been a time and place for reason
When science prevails over all bar naught
All of life?s troubles can be overcome
Just by the power of the mind
Nothing else at all

the only thing i have to cirt baout this opening in that in the 2nd to last line, i dunno why, but to me it'd sound better as "By jsut" instead of "just by" yknow?
great opening though, really delivers itself well.

We forget we are all animals in a giant circus
Rationale is a strange and alien concept
We hold proverbial crosses forward
Shouting out archaic rituals
?Get back, Satan!?

this was really really good. well not jsut good, but thought-provoking and interesting as well i feel. personally i'm not too keen on the last line there, but yknow... s'only personal opinion yknow. good job.

How easily we can fool ourselves into comprehension
When all we really do is perjure at face value
Judging not whom we see before ourselves
But whom we want to see standing there
No wonder we have stopped evolving

again i only ahveone crit for this stanza: in the alst line i would put "It is no wonder..." rather than simply "no wonder" yknow?
this is great though, i love the abstractness of it, the ideas, the theologies.

Then there are the blind connoisseurs of music and love
Sabotaging symphonies unchanged for centuries
Murdering melodies we used to recite at will
Shame on you all for these heathen crimes
We do not understand but we will know

connaisseurs?
i think that's how you spell it :/

Murdering melodies we used to recite at will- wow. i lvoe that line so much. awesme!

this is the perfect ending i think. it ties it up really really well, but also leaves it open for interpretation, yknow? you don't coat everything in a sugar blanket with a definite outcome, but allow many to provoke. i love that use.

good job man, excellent work
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#7
Superb, simply superb, if it hadn't been for the fact that Jammydude is new i would have cetainly nominated you.

I'm very big on philosophy (quite odd that i haven't written a philosophical piece yet actually :p so this was a wonderful box of treats. In order to vary my writing i have taken upon myself to ty and write in this style, and this is a perfect example on which to follow. I wouldn't change any of it exept the exclamation mark in "Get back, Satan!" but that's neither here nor there.

My biggest congratulations. Also, could you look at my piece i mentioned? It's in my sig.

P.s. Thank you sooo much fo nominating me my Celtish buddy
#8
Alice: I've consulted my dictionary and I have spelled connoisseurs correctly. Perhaps it's the pronunciation which has people questioning the spelling, and I must admit, it's a bitch of a word to spell. The last line in the third stanza I'm going to keep, mainly because the structure of the narration/poem will become a bit off; the lines in each stanza are purposely shortened each time for tone. Thank you for your critique, my aim is to provoke and allow for procrastination.

PS. I have a translated version of this narration in Scots. Will I be able to stick it in here, or wait and start a new thread when the time comes?

Callum: Thanks for your time to have a shifty through this. I'll have a look at yours another time, I'm busy writing poetry and short-stories and other whatnot, so I'll try and get it done tonight. If i haven't by morning, just PM me and I'll get to it. I haven't voted in the final wotm yet so I'll get on that now.
#9
I like writing that gets you thinking and opens your eyes to the world we live in today.
This piece definitely gets you thinking.
I especially like the line "Murdering melodies we used to recite at will."
Genuis piece really.
I would love to hear it played at some point.

Thanks for the crit and keep pieces like this coming.
#11
Thanks both of you. That line has been very popular reading these replies. I am planning to either extend this or write another in this frame of thought so I appreciate your positiveness towards this.
#12
this. is. ****ing. amazing!"Murdering melodies we used to recite at will." awesome. just plain awesome.10/10. excellent job.
B.C. RICH
#13
wow,this isnt emo(unlike everthing else here) i would love to see you extend this, and i would love to hear it with music. great job man
#14
This won't be done with music because it's a narrative (a piece of speech) but I have begun to extend this. I am contemplating changing the structure to paragraphs so I can get more in it, but that won't be happening for a while because of my short horror stories.
#15
Hi mate. I really like the idea here, the point you are making is a solid one and stands up all by itself. The fact that even though technology is moving us a long but we really stay put/stop evolving is a great take on life.

How easily we can fool ourselves into comprehension
When all we really do is perjure at face value
Judging not whom we see before ourselves
But whom we want to see standing there
No wonder we have stopped evolving


People really are like this and it is a shame/ man the way we are really bugs me and your piece has got my gander up, well done bud. I like it. And the animals in acircus is so true too, but too many of us think we are more than that, but tbh we are not. We are all being whipped around by one ring master or another.

Nicely done Daemonika
Cheers mate
#16
To me this reads slightly flat and is a bit unoriginal vivid imagery should be used instead of bland narrative although the concept isn't anything new. Perhaps you should blend it with something else I did love the last stanza though very well put together.