#1
crit4crit, i have a riff and chords, but suggest a vocal style that goes with a softer (but not soft) riff and heavy overdrive powerchords, (all 4 bandmembers sing, i just dont know who and how in this song), also where's a good spot for a solo? thanx


verse 1:
The room is noisy and too bright,
nurses in light blue, doctors in white,
there's a boy in the middle or the room,
through his eyes there's no light,
they call him a boy but know he's a man,
his blood changes the paramedic's plan,
his scars prove he's survived before,
but survive now they ask if he can,

pre-chorus:
love will kill him, love will save him

chorus:
If she holds his hand,
it's still warmer than his,
if she kisses his lips,
then what will happen nurse?
If she holds his hand,
and says she loves him again,
and she kisses his lips,
then his eyes will open.

verse 2:
The room is too quiet but still bright,
nurses are gone and the walls are white,
is there a girl looking down at him?
if there is, he's ready to fight,
they call it love but know it's even more,
his scars prove he's survived before,
will this girl save his life?
or will she stay outside the door?

pre-chorus:
she can kill him, she can save him.

Repeat chorus

bridge:
I love you can't you see?
your eyes i can't find,
I know you love me,
at least give me a sign,
I love you cant you see?
I wish i could rewind,
come back and love me,
before you hear my
flatline

Repeat chorus
#2
This would sound solid as a song. Something melodic and heavy would suit it best I do believe . I like the flow of this, and if you have more than one singer in your band you might want to have people singing melodies, I think that would sound really nice. Thanks for the crit. Good work here. Peace.
#3
its hard to make soemthign beautiful when merging love..and death into a song..but you've doen it. theres not much to say, uv jsut written soemthing really, really good. so well done
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#4
oops, messed up a word on chorus:

If she holds his hand,
it's still warmer than hers, (instead of his)

not much of a difference but it means something to me
#5
First of all, thanks for the crit. This was a sad song and I'm a fan of good emotional songs and I like this one as well. Keep upo the good work.
#6
really nice one, i actually had a shiver running down my spine when i read it out loud . now for the structure, the metre was off a few times (eg: his blood changes the paramedic's plan), but it fit the action. it'd be nice to have a more consistent rhyme-scheme going on. maybe add more repetitions towards the flatline.
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#7
good stuff over all!!!
the only thing that i didn't quite like was the beging to the second verse. i don't know...just using the bright white rhymes again, doesn't work for me. sorry

thanks much for the crit!
eric
#8
This song is just plain cool. Damn cool, like woah. a great idea with all the doctors nurses hospital thing you have going on. This is a great peice of work, the pre-chorus was my fave part. All i can say is, if it was sung, i think itd need a freakin good tune, as it doesnt have the "catchy effect" lyrically.
9/10
thanks for the crit on mine =]
franz xxx
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#9
i'm not good at good tunes, ill have to go see my bassist, or get to work right away,

thanx 4 the crits
#10
Hey this is a quite a good song really catchy. Vocally i'd go for a scream kind of thing for the chorus and a soft mellodic verse. It flows well and is catchy.

My advice is to recored this... FAST

9/10


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#11
Yes, this would need some pace in it to keep it interesting, as I don't thin kthere's real flow or catchiness to the lyrics...

Couple of really nice lyrics in there, though, and it's a nice idea- Ithink you've done this well.

Good work, keep it up.

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#13
Sweet I like! Great concept. I want to hear it when it's done!
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#14
uhm duh. put a solo in between the bridge and the repeat chorus. its so blantantly obvious (redundancy intended)
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#16
i like it especially the similarities in the first and second verse like two different times or whatnot. I think it would probably suit a metal-core style of song like Parkway Drive or Bleeding Through but probably a tad slower
With the blood of the ones he loved
Upon his filthy hands
He took a vow, never
Never to sin again.
#17
Solid song if I must say, very good job. Death and love, a hard concept to do but you did well and you've made a nice imagery. I would like to hear though, overall good job.
#18


verse 1:
The room is noisy and too bright,
nurses in light blue, doctors in white,
there's a boy in the middle or the room,
through his eyes there's no light,
they call him a boy but know he's a man,
his blood changes the paramedic's plan,
his scars prove he's survived before,
but survive now they ask if he can,

those first 2 lines are mesmorising. the flow and asosnance and interal rhyming is simply fantastic there.
infact, this whole stanza fits this too. this is amazing. the flow and rhythm are what i pick up on first, it's just astounding. every word seems so effortlessly perfect, as if it all jsut falls into place magically. but wow. i love this.

pre-chorus:
love will kill him, love will save him

chorus:
If she holds his hand,
it's still warmer than his,
if she kisses his lips,
then what will happen nurse?
If she holds his hand,
and says she loves him again,
and she kisses his lips,
then his eyes will open.

this takes a very different perspective from the first stanza, i feel. good lyrics, and i think it would make a catchy chorus, but the style and orantion has changed a lot, somehow. i think it's not quite as quirky and up-beat as the first (by up-beat i don't mean happy and bouncy, i mean like, stylish) but hmm... anyway, it's still good.

verse 2:
The room is too quiet but still bright,
nurses are gone and the walls are white,
is there a girl looking down at him?
if there is, he's ready to fight,
they call it love but know it's even more,
his scars prove he's survived before,
will this girl save his life?
or will she stay outside the door?

this i like, goes back to the style employed in that beginning opening stanza. again, lovely diction and flow and rhythm. it sounds perfect.

pre-chorus:
she can kill him, she can save him.

Repeat chorus

bridge:
I love you can't you see?
your eyes i can't find,
I know you love me,
at least give me a sign,
I love you cant you see?
I wish i could rewind,
come back and love me,
before you hear my
flatline

Repeat chorus

the only bit ehre i don't like is "i wish i could rewind" cos it's really really cliched IMO. but hey, out of a whole song, i find one tiny line i didnt like? that's is pretty good going haha. seriously though, this piece is fantastic. i really really REALLY like it. awesome job man
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#19
Its cool! I like the way you merge the two subjects. 8/10. was a bit cliche but hey, i just dont like love songs!
#20
Great, good use of imagrey, or However you spell it. As for the clliche thing... what isnt? thjeres so many songs out here i dont think a damn song isn't cliche... props
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#21
About the chorus: it fits in like this: the guy is in the hospital and while hes unconcious the girl comes in, thats what the chorus is about
#22
Wow dude, you painted a picture with your words, and that's what it's all about... I could see the nurses and the white room... excellent. You should have a nice melodic beat in the backgroud... but then like something heavy to go with it. Awesome song 9/10
"Being sober on a bus is completly different that bein' drunk on a bus"- Ozzy

My lyrics
#23
I Liked it,
i think it would be suitable for a Metalcore or Screamo song.
I like how you described the nurses and doctor at the beginning to imprint an image in the listeners mind.
#26
kewl song.....i like it better than the bridge one (i forgot the name of it though lol) but i like it
#28
I think a punk-ish so would suit this best, or mabe all american rects sort of thing. Anyway this was consistant and solid, nothing otstanding but that's fine beuse my guess is your not going for a major prize for literature
As a song this is quite good and i think it was catchy. It'snot my cup of tea really but i have to respect that it's decent.

So as i said, nothing astouding but a a very solid punk-ish song which could be popular if performed well.
#30
^ I said you weren't going for the lit prize. I didn't say you liked punk or was going for it i just answered your question that you asked in your original post.
#33
Very good. I don't have a crit for the way to sing it, I'm not good at that yet.

Crit my last song?
#34
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#35
Quote by franz.d.
This song is just plain cool. Damn cool, like woah. a great idea with all the doctors nurses hospital thing you have going on. This is a great peice of work, the pre-chorus was my fave part. All i can say is, if it was sung, i think itd need a freakin good tune, as it doesnt have the "catchy effect" lyrically.
9/10
thanks for the crit on mine =]
franz xxx


yeah... what he said
#36
Great imagery, nice how you made a good song out of such a commonly used idea. I found it strange how that the verses rhyme while the choruses dont, but other than that 8/10. Nice job.
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#38
i though it was great

maybe change if she kisses him now
his eyes will open

to
if she kisses him now
then will his eyes be open

as if to ask a question

posting new song
plz crit
#39
Stop bumping dead threads back up, your making newer pieces fall back- keep crits for newer pieces, please.