#1
hey guys, crit for crittttt


The Words To Say When You?re Let Down

V1:
When this galaxy is ours, and we?re written in the stars
And everything you care about seems to fade away.
And when nothings changed, but we?ll never be the same
I hope you find the words I?ve been looking for all along.

Pre-Chorus:
You?re a shadow of a memory in a dream
You feel so far away but at night before you sleep..
You?ll hear me sing?

Chorus:
I?ll write our names in the stars,
Kiss you a love note for each of your scars,
Turn your tears to gold,
Give you a memory worth the hold,
I?ll write our names in the stars

V2:
The milky way is lost, so it?s just you and me
Sitting under starlight on a moon where we sleep
The dust collects from what it seems,
Why would I want to sleep?
You?re so much better than any dream.

Pre-Chorus:
You?re a shadow of a memory in a dream
You feel so far away but at night before you sleep..
You?ll hear me sing?

Chorus:
I?ll write our names in the stars,
Kiss you a love note for each of your scars,
Turn your tears to gold,
Give you a memory worth the hold,
I?ll write our names in the stars


Let me know what you think, LeMay<3
#2
The Words To Say When You?re Let Down
Looks like I got here just in time, your thread was at the bottom of the first page!

When this galaxy is ours, and we?re written in the stars
And everything you care about seems to fade away.
And when nothings changed, but we?ll never be the same
I hope you find the words I?ve been looking for all along.
Okay here, but the third line is almost confusing. In fact, it is a little confusing, but I know what you're trying to say.. I think.. For the most part this is a solid opener, it's simple but that's what love songs are all about.

Pre-Chorus:
You?re a shadow of a memory in a dream
You feel so far away but at night before you sleep..
You?ll hear me sing?
The second line is a great follow-up to the first line, I liked that. Nice job there.

Chorus:
I?ll write our names in the stars,
Kiss you a love note for each of your scars,
Turn your tears to gold,
Give you a memory worth the hold,
I?ll write our names in the stars
"Kiss you a love note" is a little strangely put, but if it somehow makes sense to you then by all means keep it. I like the repitition of the first line here at the end, good touch. This stanza is sappy, but I wouldn't have it any other way in a song such as this

V2:
The milky way is lost, so it?s just you and me
Sitting under starlight on a moon where we sleep
The dust collects from what it seems,
Why would I want to sleep?
You?re so much better than any dream.
If you could elaborate (if flow/song structure allows) on how the milky way is lost, that would help the first line sound a little more realistic. Otherwise it's hard to envision how exactly the milky way could be lost.
The third line here is a bit akward.. I don't really get what you're trying to say with "from what it seems"
Last line is almost too sappy, I might change that if I were you.


This song had its strong points and weak points, but if you were to sing it to a girl/girlfriend I'm sure it would make her weak as well, in the knees. In otherwords, not a bad job, and "go get 'em tiger!"
#4
I really liked this , I liked all your references and it just put together an image that any girl would love... and its artistic like incubus.... there was one part i didnt get

"The milky way is lost, so it?s just you and me
Sitting under starlight on a moon where we sleep
The dust collects from what it seems,"


but overall i think it would be an awesome song
#6
I think this is a great song. A nice acoustic guitar with those lyrics would be awsome. Band that remind me of your lyrics are Coldplay and Goo Goo Dolls. But I like Goo Goo Dolls better for this genre but thats just me.

"Why would I want to sleep?
You?re so much better than any dream"

I think that is perfect, at the line "your so much better then any dream" Fade the music into a guitar solo that would fit your feelings of the song, much like in the "Iris" solo, it just takes the listener away (like a dream) , then fall back into the rest of the song. Perfect part for a guitar solo to express the mood of the song after those lyrics with no words at all. I think this is great work.
#8
gee thanks sodapop...I'm sure that really helped him. "Bad" is subjective. "Poorly-written" is objective. Fortunately, this piece is neither. It has a few points that could be more subtle, but on the whole, it's very good.
Originally posted by Grimster
This couple was doing like this romantic shoot like in there house, and all of a sudden a clown walked in and jizzed on the guys face. That is the true meaning of christmas.