#1
i've never been so lonely
before in my life
i don't know what has happened
but it just wasn't right

but please let me stay
don't make me go
i didn't mean to hurt you
i wish i could i show you how i feel

and now there's nowhere i can go from here
there is nowhere i can hide
cause your memory won't disappear
i got your picture deep inside

it's easy to be wounded
if you leave your cell
it's easy to be broken
if you open your shell

don't know what i did
to drive you away
but i know i tripped
over something you said


=====================

i will crit back
- When I was your age Pluto was still a Planet. - anonymous
#2
ok, this was a well worded song/poem, i would like to see a change in the last lines, however. they didnt seem to go with the rest od the song.

"but please let me stay
don't make me go
i didn't mean to hurt you
i wish i could i show you how i feel

and now there's nowhere i can go from here
there is nowhere i can hide
cause your memory won't disappear
i got your picture deep inside"

those were the best lines specially the last 4 (and noww there's...inside)

please crit: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=385105
#3
Quote by AmplifySilence
ok, this was a well worded song/poem, i would like to see a change in the last lines, however. they didnt seem to go with the rest od the song.


thx, i'll try to think of something. i didn't want to add a turning point or something, as this would kind of destroy the hopelessness of the situation, but maybe i'll add a third verse. the chorus is meant to be sung after every verse, btw.
- When I was your age Pluto was still a Planet. - anonymous
#4
it's easy to be wounded
if you leave your cell
it's easy to be broken
if you open your shell

I especially like this verse. It creates a good image. I really can't put this under any one person who I think it sounds like. A bitter sweet lyric of regret.
Gear
Custom Fender Strat
Oscar Schmidt Acoustic
VK 112
Epi VJ
EHX Holy Grail
Ibanez DE7 Delay
Modded Tubescreamer TS7 -> TS-808
Strat Knockoff
#5
Quote by tulkas_1985
thx, i'll try to think of something. i didn't want to add a turning point or something, as this would kind of destroy the hopelessness of the situation, but maybe i'll add a third verse. the chorus is meant to be sung after every verse, btw.


what if you repeat words from the second verse so the ending looks like this:

don't know what i did
to drive you away
but don't make me go
please let me stay

thanx for your crit
#6
Quote by AmplifySilence
what if you repeat words from the second verse so the ending looks like this:

don't know what i did
to drive you away
but don't make me go
please let me stay

thanx for your crit


that would work if i hadn't already used let me stay in the first verse. and personally i dislike rhyming stay and away... it feels a little like an overdone rhyme to me.

edit: now i see what you're getting at ^^. the repetition would kindof put a frame around it. i'll try it, thx a bundle.
- When I was your age Pluto was still a Planet. - anonymous
#7
ok, i changed the lyrics a little and made a recording

i've never been so lonely
before in my life
i don't know what has happened
but it just wasn't right

but please let me stay
don't make me go
i wish i'd find a way back
i wish i could i show you how i feel


and now there's
nowhere i can go from here
there is nowhere i can hide
cause your memory won't disappear
i got your picture deep inside


it's easy to be wounded
if you leave your cell
it's easy to be broken
if you open your shell

don't know what i did
to drive you away
but i feel the regret
having fallen for your play


and now there's
nowhere i can go from here
there is nowhere i can hide
cause your memory won't disappear
i got your picture deep inside of me
inside of me
inside of me
- When I was your age Pluto was still a Planet. - anonymous