#1
How emo of me

And desire weaved and wrapped its way
around himself, empting and dissapearing
into something he always hoped existed.

Beyond the starless sky of hope,
where clouds swirl into mountains
and hands burst with stains of wine,
stands a destiny powered
by fatigue ridden hopes.
Whos only driving desire
is to succeed in something
they never knew they were looking for.

The mirrors of mistakes shine into his eyes
painting a picture of guilt and greed
as life flys and passes by.

And while destiny loses
begining to absorb into itself
things he never thought existed
were explained to himself in the moment
he had always hoped he would never see.
Without a chance to take back
what he had always kept inside
he passes by, without the blink of an eye.


-Mike
#3
Quote by #1 synth
you know what I noticed? that color you use really pisses me off, would you mind changing it for me?

real crit coming in a bit.


ya know what blue slate blue is my favorite color in the WORLD so no, i will not change it all my poems will be blue slate blue. anyways get on aim.
#4
Quote by TrigFunction
How emo of me

*COLOR HAS BEEN CHANGED FOR THE SAKE OF EVERYONE*

And desire weaved and wrapped its way seems like there should be something preceding it...
around himself, empting and dissapearing the 'himself' is awkward and it would probably be better if you just said 'him', and can you find a mnore fitting synonym for 'dissapearing' it just doesnt seem impactful enough.
into something he always hoped existed. meh, overall an average stanza

Beyond the starless sky of hope,
where clouds swirl into mountains
and hands burst with stains of wine, see, this should be at the beggining, I'm not getting why its in the middle, excellent lines though
stands a destiny powered
by fatigue ridden hopes.
Whos only driving desire
is to succeed in something
they never knew they were looking for.
something about this just screams vague generalizations that dont amount to much. I guess i just dont feel that theres enough specific to grasp onto in order to relate to any ot it. Still, they are very nice lines, just a little too vague

The mirrors of mistakes shine into his eyes
painting a picture of guilt and greed
as life flys and passes by.
I still feel like your just using broad themes in order to mask something... nice little bit otherwise though

And while destiny loses
begining to absorb into itself
things he never thought existed
were explained to himself in the moment
he had always hoped he would never see.
Without a chance to take back
what he had always kept inside
he passes by, without the blink of an eye.
I guess really I had the same problem with this as I did with your last one, fairly excellent execution but the basic premise behind it, well, I just cant latch onto it or relate at all... still excellent writing though



get to my new one porfavor? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=384641
#6
I know nothing about emo, but this doesn't seem very emo to me at all.

The first five lines of the last stanza really didn't kick it for me. I wonder if you'd look at tryin' to shuffle it about a tiny bit.

The imagery is very complimentary to the theme, as usual with you, but, like synthy, I just don't feel the overall vibe of this one.

Still, a thoughtful piece mate.
#7
I'm going to have to agree with the others, I couldn't really relate to this as well, (Might just be my poor interpreting skills though) and I thought it didn't have much impact, much of a feeling to it.

I have to say I really enjoyed your first two pieces this month, they had a uniuqe attitude and a nice take on life- to be honest, I don't want to force myself to like these last two. I just can't. Sorry.

For example, that last stanza. I just read it and thought- what? It seems like you're telling us whats going on, but not what's actually happening, if you get my drift. There's alot of he does this and he did that, but I don't think you tell us enough of what's going on and the feelings involved. Like synth said, this piece seems too vague and broad in it's writing to be easy to relate to.

I'm rambling, I hope you understand what I mean, I don't quite know how to express it.

That said, there are some nice lines in here, and while I have my complaints, it is still tidy writing.

Many thanks for the crit on mine