#1
This turned out a bit nastier than I planned. Oh well.

Feel free to leave a link my friends.


The Affection Estate

Welcome - and remove your oppressing soles;
Thus liberating your soft-treading love;
Watch out! My plush carpet hides gaping holes;
And the pit beneath entraps one dead dove.
Please let me show you where I slowly eat,
Consuming vanity and perfumed-flesh;
And I suckle on a honey-sweet teat
Exuding juices which are old and fresh.
As we steadily move from room to room,
Avoiding the parched lips that kiss our toes;
Excuse me while I fall outside to groom
The garden where my preferred lily grows.
And in the cellar at my mansion?s root,
Loaded envies are preparing to shoot.
#2
I cant sleep so I've decided to do some critting just because... yay!

Welcome - and remove your oppressing soles;
Thus liberating your soft-treading love;
these lines are weird, but in a good way. they definitely set the mood for the piece and are good in of themselves, in fact, I really wanna see where this piece goes. excellent opening.

Watch out! My plush carpet hides gaping holes;
And the pit beneath entraps one dead dove.
firstly, the 'Watch out' breaks the flow completely, I would definitely reword that to go with the tone youare setting. I really enjoyed the 'My plush carpet hides gaping holes' cant really say why though. your use of 'entraps is perplexing because your using it in the present tense, like your entraping the reader (or the person who this is addressed to), I think it would be better to switch tenses

Please let me show you where I slowly eat,
'slowly' is awkward

Consuming vanity and perfumed-flesh;
And I suckle on a honey-sweet teat
hehe, teat. actually I like this part more than I thought I would, very sadistic.

Exuding juices which are old and fresh.
still sadistic, still weird, and it still keeps with the tone, though I wouldnt say I'm enraptured with it.

As we steadily move from room to room,
Avoiding the parched lips that kiss our toes;
Excelent lines

Excuse me while I fall outside to groom
The garden where my preferred lily grows.
And in the cellar at my mansion?s root,
Loaded envies are preparing to shoot.
um, not too sure what to make of all this, I was expecting a very unorthodox and witty ending and i wasnt really satisfied with how it ended... uh, good writing, definitely good writing, but I left very unsure of what to feel after reading it.
Last edited by #1 synth at Jul 1, 2006,
#3
Mmm, I definitely think the "Watch out" can be done better, and to be honest I agree with everything synth has said.

A weird, yet well written piece, you managed to keep up your tone right the way through, and all in all I thought the ideas here were pretty good.

Nice job, synth has covered all the main concerns so, yeh, Good Luck.
#4
The Affection Estate

Welcome - and remove your oppressing soles;
Thus liberating your soft-treading love;Smells like Shakespere. I like this smell.
Watch out! My plush carpet hides gaping holes;
And the pit beneath entraps one dead dove.I like the serated rhythmn. A dead dove is such a cool symbol tooo, really meaningful. What lies beneath...
Please let me show you where I slowly eat,
Consuming vanity and perfumed-flesh;Cool social commentary, I do expect a suggestion of correction in the following lines.
And I suckle on a honey-sweet teat
Exuding juices which are old and fresh.Dependence. Wisdom. Learning and surpassing. Good stuff.
As we steadily move from room to room,
Avoiding the parched lips that kiss our toes;I like the "house representing the world" concept.
Excuse me while I fall outside to groom
The garden where my preferred lily grows.
And in the cellar at my mansion?s root,
Loaded envies are preparing to shoot.Beautiful social portrait. Not just a rant, but really a timless and universal portrait.

As you may know, I don't crit many pieces, only the ones that I really enjoy, so take this crit as my mark of approval Keep up the writing.


This one has slipped under the radar; I don't often solicit crits
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=381988&goto=nextoldest
#5
Quote by pooch0072
Smells like Shakespere. I like this smell.


that is the one greatest line I have ever heard. that is all.

actually, edit: CJ, if you wouldnt mind checking out my real newest: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=386089
Last edited by #1 synth at Jul 1, 2006,
#8
Cheers you guys, especially the synthmeister and a certain pooch, your thoughts are extremely appreciated.
#9
this is original and yes kind of nasty hahaha... but oh well maybe i was just reading it in a dirty way hahah...
anyway consider your thread *bumped*

Steph
Boo!