#1
Hi,

I'm obviously very new to the forum, so I am a little nervous as I know my writing is pretty basic. However, this was my first attempt at a song, and since then I feel like I have really been developing, but so far I have only shown family and close friends and I could do with some constructive criticism...

So I thought it would be sensible to start with my first song,

Adieu

Lets say adieu, to all the people who,
Jump the queue, and push right through
I need to get away, to get out of view

Chorus
Adieu, ciao, I?ll say goodbye to you
I can?t, put up, with the moaning I can hear
Let me, go back, to that land that I hold dear

Verse 2
We?ll watch the sunset, sat there on a cloud
We?ll dream a dreamland, as the dawn draws near
Give me hope to cling to, that may steer me clear

Chorus

Verse 3
Why try to be, someone other than me
Why be alone, in this life so unknown
I?ll slip into my dreams, and sail away to my world
#2
Its a little remedial but I can understand the thought of being homesick, as can many people. Kind of interesting rhyming all three lines of the verse with the first line of the chorus, too. I would suggest switching ciao and adieu in the chorus to make it flow a little better. And why do you rhyme all the lines in the first verse and then give up on that in the second and third??

Anyways, if you get some time...
Can't Spell Hypocrite Without Right
#3
Thanks for your comments!! it was my first attempt at a song, and I was obsessed with things rhyming, but it got ridiculous and silly and its been a work in progess ever since.

The reason I gave up on rhyming every line in each verse is the fact I really liked the imagery of the first line on the 3rd verse, but the word cloud was awkward to rhyme with, do you think it would be better if I changed it?

The third verse I am especially unhappy with apart from the first line.

Its saving grace is probably the fact I have a relatively good melody for it.