#1
this is an extract, probably from my book, though i do not know yet where it will feature. probably soon. hmm, not that it matters cos you don't know what's happening in it
this is nothing to do with the story. it's just a flashback.

and it is not finished. i rushed this off earleir before the idea left my head. i have to say, it has been influenced a lot by a book i have recently read; a french book, seen as i only really read foreign stuff now. apart from harry potter

leave me a link please.


On the hill there was a tower.

On the hill there was a tower. I believed what she said about it being a secret intelligence tower. But what else could it be? I was only five. We didn?t have a television, even to this day I don?t enjoy the screening of half-hour programmes on a box one sits in front of, wasting another day before we die. I think the tower was built out of stone, but I can?t remember anymore. It was taller than the sky. And I thought maybe Jack?s beanstalk had been set in stone to create it.

The seagulls flocked around the tower, and I stood at the bottom looking up. I didn?t know we were near the sea; I had never seen a bigger stretch of water than the pond in our garden; a never-ending great mass of sea seemed somewhat laughable. I think we were alone, because we had run ahead of the others.

The sky was the brightest blue I have ever experienced. They say one?s memory does not develop sufficiently before the age of eight, but to this day I have never seen a sky so mesmerizing and tranquil. I have not been to a more beautiful place, when I have scoured the water in a search. I have not felt the same way.

It is this coming to terms with death that sets me apart. I do not feel distant. I feel like I belong somewhere; I feel it is a place I have never visited before. But it is where I am searching for. Maybe I have been there all along. I wish you were still here so we could return for the second and last time to the hill. The hill with the tower. I think you would have been able to. Every time I plan to visit I find an excuse. I do not want to go alone. I am grown-up now. I am not five years old anymore. But you are. We could not grow up together and so there it shall remain untouched.
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#3
That was really, really good. I enjoyed it from start to finish; from intro to outro (my two favorite parts, for the record).

The first line of the last stanza jumped out at me very suddenly, but once I recovered from that initial shock, it made for the start of a brilliant closing paragraph.

Basically, and somewhat ironically, I have only the same thing to say about your piece as what you said about my piece. Excellent work. If there was something I didn't like about it I'd offer some suggestions, but alas, I enjoyed every word.
#4
That was a very well written and very well thought of. It has nostalgic properties which can only really be developed in a flashback; sensing everything in a different way. It was the mention of Jack's beanstalk which got me; you just couldn't use it in any other sense or place. Brilliant.

I have to say, I haven't seen enough snippets of stories, which is a real shame. They allow for the most creative freedom and they portray feelings better than any song or poem, which you have clearly demonstrated.

If you have time, could you check over Sabotaging Symphonies & Murdering Melodies? The link is in my sig.
#5
I loved it dearly.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#6
I really enjoyed this... alot possibly overly so.. nah it was the right amount. Damn I wish I was as good as this at lyrics. Is this meant to have been written from the stance point of a child? If so you have managed to connect to the childs mind in ways I cannot describe.

This is simply amazing and deserve the praise comments which it has been given.

9/10

If you have the time could you please crit one of the songs in my sig please and thank you.

Keep up the good work.
#8
wow thanks to everyone so much. i'll try and address everyone separaetly, ignore my typing, i'm under te influence

AmplifySilence: the book is not going to be in french. it doesn't work if you write in english and translate it. thanks for your comment, relaly appreciated.

Blakey- thanks so so so much. that means a lot. you're one of the people in here i really respect their opinion on something. thanks a lot.

Dæmönika- merci beaucoup pour ton comment. thanks for picking up on the mtnion of jack and the beanstalk. thanks again for the comment, much appreciated =]

culex-knight: short and seet, thanks very much!

mmm... ice: merci for the comment, yeah twas meant to be written from the perspective of a child. as i said, it's kind of a flashback. i'm not sure it'll even feature in this particualr sotry i'm writing, but i'm compiling a book of short stories as well, so if it doesn't fit into my novel it'll be a part of one of the short stories

slinks: why thank you dear. very muchly appreciated, i cann tell you =]

i shall reply to all crits tomorrow when i am slightly more alert

thanks again homies.
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#10
Salut Alice!

Je critiquerais ton extrait de roman, mais je ne suis pas un ecrivain ('scuse, pas d'accents sur ce foutu clavier anglais de portable hehe) seulement un poete. Ca (pas de cedille non plus) aurait le meme impact qu'un cuisinier decrivant un match de soccer. Desole de pas pouvoir t'aider, mais j'ai lu la piece et j'ai beaucoup apprecie.
#11
i liked it alot
but... i thought that you refered to his age a tad to much, you couldv'e probably substituted five for young or something like that. Just my opinion.
With the blood of the ones he loved
Upon his filthy hands
He took a vow, never
Never to sin again.
#12
merci beacoup beacoup antoine pour ca (moi j'ai pas de cedille aussi ) et je me demandais si peut-etre tu pourras m'aider avec mon francais, parce que, comme bien sur on peut voir, je suis pas parfaite en francais haha.

je te mercie encore.

thanks also cokeisbetter and dylan
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#13
I'm confused. Isn't this a songwriting forum? This is, as you've said, a flashback...nothing too lyrical about it. Either way, though, it's pretty well written, and I like how you emphasize the fact that he was only five but still remembered. We all have little snippets of memories like that, when we were too young to remember everything about the moment, but old enough that we have the one memory of, to use your example, a brilliantly blue sky, or something in incredible detail.
#14
songwriting and lyrics yeah, but prose and poetry are also accepted. this is prose, an extract from something i'm writing atm
thanks for your comment
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#16
I like this plenty. It's well written, but mostly I think it's the sentiments you express in it that I find appealing. I guess it's observative stuff. The "box one sits in front of" part was good.

For the most part I really liked the "blue sky" paragraph, but something about the beginning of it feels borderline cheesy or something for me. But then I look at it again and I think "Nah, it's fine"... I like that you say "experienced" rather than "saw/seen". Anyway, the apparent idea behind the paragraph is one I thoroughly dig. It really reminds me of this one superb part from The Mill On The Floss:
Quote by George Eliot
Life did change for Tom and Maggie; and yet they were not wrong in believing that the thoughts and loves of these first years would always make part of their lives. We could never have loved the earth so well if we had had no childhood in it,?if it were not the earth where the same flowers come up again every spring that we used to gather with our tiny fingers as we sat lisping to ourselves on the grass; the same hips and haws on the autumn's hedgerows; the same redbreasts that we used to call "God's birds," because they did no harm to the precious crops. What novelty is worth that sweet monotony where everything is known, and loved because it is known?

The wood I walk in on this mild May day, with the young yellow-brown foliage of the oaks between me and the blue sky, the white star-flowers and the blue-eyed speedwell and the ground ivy at my feet, what grove of tropic palms, what strange ferns or splendid broad-petalled blossoms, could ever thrill such deep and delicate fibres within me as this home scene? These familiar flowers, these well-remembered bird-notes, this sky, with its fitful brightness, these furrowed and grassy fields, each with a sort of personality given to it by the capricious hedgerows,?such things as these are the mother-tongue of our imagination, the language that is laden with all the subtle, inextricable associations the fleeting hours of our childhood left behind them. Our delight in the sunshine on the deep-bladed grass to-day might be no more than the faint perception of wearied souls, if it were not for the sunshine and the grass in the far-off years which still live in us, and transform our perception into love.

(Sorry for teh huuuge quote. It's one of my most favourite books ever, so I always feel compelled!)


There's way too much stuff for me to comment on within this. Maybe I'll come back to it with more to say...'tis good stuff.

What's the book gonna be about then?
ρ
Last edited by scousertommy at Jul 1, 2006,
#18
Quote by mmm... ice
Hey you got anymore we can read? because I rather enjoyed this.

hey, yeah! i'll psot some up later. i have tons of just random sections of stories i write, but haven't had the time to completely finsih off y'know? i hope this summer i can work on some of them

Quote by scousertommy


There's way too much stuff for me to comment on within this. Maybe I'll come back to it with more to say...'tis good stuff.

What's the book gonna be about then?

that quote is great, i'll have to check out that book
and lol, the book is about nothing like this would suggest. it's a thriller basically about lies and deception and stuffff. i think.
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#19
Quote by jallas
hey, yeah! i'll psot some up later. i have tons of just random sections of stories i write, but haven't had the time to completely finsih off y'know? i hope this summer i can work on some of them



Cool, I shall look forward to it then