#1
EDITED. But still untitled
___________________________________________________________________

The lights woke me up from where I lay
Next to you with the bullet in your head
My tears and your blood mixed in
With the raindrops from the hole in the cieling
I kissed you one last time
Whispered "Remember, you were mine"
I never meant for it to end like this

The sirens screamed as I walked away
I could almost hear them say
"We're here for the one left behind"

The rain soaked through my skin to the bone
With more than the water alone
The thought of the light in your eyes (even under their lids)
Leaving like your lies left your lips
I couldn't hear a word you were saying
Next thing I knew, we were falling
We were never meant to end like this

The sirens screamed as I walked away
I could almost hear them say
"We're here for the one left behind"

I know they'll find me someday
They'll just follow the blood on the sidewalk
The rain's making it bleed again
Almost like it wants me to be caught
I can't blame it, though
I know I'm a mistake
And with every breath I take

I can hear the sirens scream as I walk away
I can hear them say
"We're here for the one left behind"
Quote by forty-six_and_2
Whoa I just had a revelation: What if god is a dog?A big white fluffy dog that drools a lot and pees on random people and humps strangers' legs?
Quote by 0fishaleded
Wait..if someone owns a dog that does that..WTF
Quote by forty-six_and_2
Than...they own god! That's it. I'm getting a dog.
Last edited by the_me_effect at Jul 2, 2006,
#2
The lights woke me up from where I lay
Next to your body, cold and dead
My tears and your blood mixed in
With the raindrops from the hole in the cieling
I kissed you one last time
Your cheating lips on mine
I never meant for it to end like this

I quite like like this stanza as it is quite emotional although in the third line I would take out the "in" as it seems to stop the flow of the song. This stanza seems like it was written with alot of emotion which makes it quite powerful

The sirens screamed as I walked away
I could almost hear them say
"We're here for the one left behind"

Again, this is quite powerful the last line gives at an emotional punch that tugs a heart string at the right time.

The rain soaked through my skin to the bone
With more than the water alone
With the thought of your eyes going blank
After I shot from point blank
I never even heard a word you said
I shot the cieling once you were dead
We were never meant to end like this

In this stanza the repetition kinda makes it lose the momentom it was gaining but apart from that another good stanza. This stanza doesn't flow as well as it could as well.

The sirens screamed as I walked away
I could almost hear them say
"We're here for the one left behind"

I know they'll find me someday
They'll just follow the blood on the sidewalk
The rain's making it bleed again
Almost like it wants me to be caught
I can't blame it, though
I know I'm a mistake
And with every breath I take

This is an especially good stanza. The line "They'll just follow the blood on the sidewalk" is the best part of the stanza. As I said before good stanza.

I can hear the sirens scream as I walk away
I can hear them say
"We're here for the one left behind"

All in all this is a good song/poem.

9/10

if you get the time can you please crit one of the songs in my sig.

Thanks.
#3
Thanks a lot. I'll get to your songs as soon as I get back (I'm about to run off the the recycling centre. Yes, unlike most UGers, I RECYCLE. Pick it up, it helps). Anyone else while I'm gone?
Quote by forty-six_and_2
Whoa I just had a revelation: What if god is a dog?A big white fluffy dog that drools a lot and pees on random people and humps strangers' legs?
Quote by 0fishaleded
Wait..if someone owns a dog that does that..WTF
Quote by forty-six_and_2
Than...they own god! That's it. I'm getting a dog.
#4
I think there should be less recycling in the world and more loving, recycling is screwing up society!

Crit will be edited in here

Quote by the_me_effect

The lights woke me up from where I lay
Next to your body, cold and dead seems like there should be some sort of rhyme here, the 'cold and dead' bit just seems plain, I would replace dead with something more shocking, stunning, and more specific to the point your going for.
My tears and your blood mixed in
With the raindrops from the hole in the cieling
I kissed you one last time
Your cheating lips on mine
I never meant for it to end like this
meh, I hate to say it and to use the term, but these last two lines are rather cliche, and take place in a rather cliche situation, it waters down some of the otherwise cool imagery you had. one thing that truly is killing me though is the lack of punctuation, its really messing with my mind and I keep having to pause to figure out where you want me to stop and where you put breaks.

The sirens screamed as I walked away rather overused imagery with the sirens but good nevertheless
I could almost hear them say
"We're here for the one left behind"
meh

The rain soaked through my skin to the bone
With more than the water alone I greatly enjoyed this little couplet
With the thought of your eyes going blank the repetition of 'with' to start consecutive lines diluted the impact here
After I shot from point blank you really cant end consecutive lines with the same 'rhyming' word that you have in 'blank', its what I call Fred Durst syndrome because in his classic ballad "Rollin'" he rhymes here with here.
I never even heard a word you said
I shot the cieling once you were dead simplistic rhyme scheme works, but its starting to wear on me.
We were never meant to end like this I actually loved this repetition

The sirens screamed as I walked away
I could almost hear them say
"We're here for the one left behind" Same as b4

I know they'll find me someday
They'll just follow the blood on the sidewalk
The rain's making it bleed again
Almost like it wants me to be caught
I can't blame it, though
I know I'm a mistake
And with every breath I take
Again, you need some punctuation, but this was by far the best stanza, very enjoyable

I can hear the sirens scream as I walk away
I can hear them say
"We're here for the one left behind" same as b-for


yep. Those are my thoughts, would you care to take a look at my newest? its really in need of a bump. https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=386089
Last edited by #1 synth at Jul 1, 2006,
#5
Hey, recycling is loving the planet! At least I'm trying to help Mother Nature. Aaaanyway....

Fred Durst Syndrome? Hahaha. Good one. Yeah, actually I couldn't find anything to rhyme with blank except plank and I didn't know how to fit that in :P. I'll work on it.

Anyone else?
Quote by forty-six_and_2
Whoa I just had a revelation: What if god is a dog?A big white fluffy dog that drools a lot and pees on random people and humps strangers' legs?
Quote by 0fishaleded
Wait..if someone owns a dog that does that..WTF
Quote by forty-six_and_2
Than...they own god! That's it. I'm getting a dog.
#7
^ Hahaha. Thank you. I'll look into it.
Quote by forty-six_and_2
Whoa I just had a revelation: What if god is a dog?A big white fluffy dog that drools a lot and pees on random people and humps strangers' legs?
Quote by 0fishaleded
Wait..if someone owns a dog that does that..WTF
Quote by forty-six_and_2
Than...they own god! That's it. I'm getting a dog.
#9
Hahaha, well done ally, i love it it's awesome. Really Really Really good, i don't knwo waht to say sorry.
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#10
Hahaha. It's okay. Thanks, Matt.

Okay, I've edited it a little. And I got rid of the "blank" thingy but thanks to jdreed and Manateen for the rhymes anyway. So is it better than before or does it still suck?
Quote by forty-six_and_2
Whoa I just had a revelation: What if god is a dog?A big white fluffy dog that drools a lot and pees on random people and humps strangers' legs?
Quote by 0fishaleded
Wait..if someone owns a dog that does that..WTF
Quote by forty-six_and_2
Than...they own god! That's it. I'm getting a dog.
#11
Imagery is always a good thing in a song and this writing has plenty of it. It's almost like a movie to tell you the truth. My favorite part was the tird verse. I thought it was very well written.

Crit mine please

The Face of an Angel
#12
I think its very good, the imagery is really good and i like the things you changed, it sounds even better. Great job.

edit: if you crit one of my songs please crit the second
.....

Last edited by vinesman2 at Jul 2, 2006,
#13
Thanks. I'll get to your songs as soon as possible. Anyone else?
Quote by forty-six_and_2
Whoa I just had a revelation: What if god is a dog?A big white fluffy dog that drools a lot and pees on random people and humps strangers' legs?
Quote by 0fishaleded
Wait..if someone owns a dog that does that..WTF
Quote by forty-six_and_2
Than...they own god! That's it. I'm getting a dog.