#1
These words are fiercely infusing their way
into the pores of my skin making
the sparks dance and the poor chant.

"Contort the masses!" "Live for now!"

Lost between translation of who said what,
responding with snake shed lies
and hoped for lives.

"Spread the word!" "The Lord is now!"

Transfixed by a gaze of contorted hands
compelling an art of misguided wonder.
Sided by a line of religion they set demands

"Choose a side and ease the border!"



-Mike
Last edited by TrigFunction at Jul 4, 2006,
#2
Just because your last was a tad vague, doesn't mean you need to tell the meaning. If there's anything I've seen you "regulars" say, it's to let the reader figure it out.

Anyways, after reading the meaning (the disclaimers not enough, It was too easy to read) I have to say that you did this piece very nicely. The assonance was done very nicely, as were the subtle rhymes, and your use of alliteration was good.

So, yeh, I think this is better than your last two, and TBH I enjoyed it.

Good Work.
#6
I totally love this. I agree with Jammydude. Some fantastic lyrics in there, i kind of wish it was longer y'know? =]
I loved the title for some reason too, brilliant. It kind of reminded me of a song about like the apocalipse or something...?

9/10 from me mate.
Can you crit mine? Its called "oh,so bad"
Thanks =D
franz xxxxxxx
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Use it.
#7
i give you permission to use this in the comp , o and i named pooch, Ret, and Mike all co-captains till I get back. Mike, remind me to get beck to crit this in three weeks

Edit: though you are all co-captains and decision Pooch makes completely trumps your opinion. Reasoning? Pooch>joo.
Last edited by #1 synth at Jul 2, 2006,
#8
It was really nice, The first and third verses were my favorites. The second just didnt seem to flow as well as the others.
I presonally liked the semi vague sense I got. It left me wondering, which is good if you wanted to evoke an emotion or create a second part.
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^^

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#9
Haha, it sounds clever.
But I'm stupid,so I can't find out the meaning of it. =[
But oh well, it was good.
#11
Quote by TrigFunction
These words are fiercly easing their way
into the pores of my skin making
the sparks dance and the poor chant.

It's "Fiercely" missed an "E" in there

"Contort the masses!" "Live for now!"

Lost between translation of who said what,
responding with snake shed lies
and hoped for lives.

rhyming "lives" with "lies" .... you can do better than that...

"Spread the word!" "The Lord is now!"

Transfixed by a gaze of contorted hands
compelling an art of misguided wonder.
Sided by a line of religion they set demands

easily the best stanza IMO. nothing to change here...

"Choose a side and ease the border!"



-Mike


This piece was pretty good... I just nit-picked at a couple little things but other than that... good job.

crit mine? link is in my sig
#13
Woops... now I got my sig changed, thought I changed it last night anyways, you can crit on the piece thats in my sig now

EDIT: 1 last thing.... I would use a different word than "ease" in the last sentence because it was also in the first stanza...
Last edited by DanteR* at Jul 4, 2006,