#1
Alright, just got back from a terrible movie and then went back to my gf's house and got a little tipsy, this is completely on the spot, and like I said, I'm a tid under the influence so it may not add up, but I really felt like trying out this whole OTS thing and I am feeling, lets say, inspired ... ****, sorry its so long, I just finished and I must say I am ridiculously proud of it... may I suggest paying close attention to the dates and maybe read it aloud? cheers, I'm off to sleep, and with any luck I wont have a huge headache in the morning.

Edit: I got my mother to read it so I had to remove the intro for a short time, now its back. Again, the piece has not been changed since I initially wrote it.

A "cheep" In a Drunken State (Synth's Goodbye Story)

Beside the bedside table sits a loaded candle
Awaiting something to ease the pain by igniting his weeping wick
Of melting vodka and malted soap, residue
From the last time he washed his mouth out.
Now the candle lays unlit though, eerily unlit,
And that wick has taken on dust.

Here are diary entries of the Candle,
Letters from the wick to the waning light:

12:51 PM. June 30th, 2006

My wife is dead, and I cant get over it.
My. Wife. Is. Dead. Even when I spell it out it I cant comprehend...
And what scares me the most is that I cant remember
How to change the clocks. And here it is, right on cue:
"Cheep" says the face on the wall.
"Cheep" it crows, a harrowed call to doused flame.

"12:52" he says


PAUSE...
...REWIND
PLAY...


10:11 PM. April 14th, 1996

It was raining today when I picked Amber up from work, but you know what I found out? Rain only makes her more beautiful!
I told her that too,
I said that nature gone awry wasnt meant to be reflected in such perfect pupils,
Hair wasnt meant to be in such a perfect shape after being drentched by disaster,
And the weird thing about what I said was... I actually meant it.
I really and truly meant every word,
I fucking thought she really was beautiful
I Fucking loved her.
She of course giggled her cute little laugh which seems to only get better with age,
Grabbed my coller, and snuck me away past the rustic shelves (if I havent mentioned by now, we were in a library).
I never thought making love next to Ginsberg could be so exiting!
She started by nibbling my ear and I attempted to take off her blouse and just when I got a chance to take in her fragrance, the clock rang...
We were late for our appointment.

"Cheep" says the lighter
"Cheep" crows the suspended cuckoo

"10:12" He says

...Pause...
...Rewind...
Play


8:52 PM. January 18th, 1989.

We got married last week and the day following our first legal consumation she moved into my place, formally called "Bacholer Love Shack For Begginers and Intermediate Groovemeisters Part II". First we renamed it 'home' as we thought it had a damn nice ring to it, then as I put her bags away she went about tinkering with all the clocks along the walls. When I asked her what the hell she was doing, she only said that she was just following the flow of nature and that I should just 'chill out man', I said 'groovy' and that was that. It turns out she had set all the clocks to go off every minute of every day, its a good thing that she keeps me too damn happy to care.

"Cheep" goes tangibility
"Cheep" says reminescence

"well I guess that means its 8:53" He says


.Pause.
.Rewind.
.Play.


2:01 AM. October 25, 1977.

I am stoked. This haught little mama gave me her phone number after I was shakin my crazy self all over the disco. I think her name was Amber or something wikid like that. She doesnt look like all those other chicas though, more like a phoenix or something groovy like that, I could like feel the flames melting off of her... dayum. I put up the new sign for the clubhouse, we called it something really chill, cant really remember what now though, I just know it ended up being like B.L.S.B.I.G. some cray-z acr. like that.

"cheep" says the wall
"cheep" says the phoenix being reborne

"I wish I could remember why that clock is always going backwards,
or better yet, where it came from?" he said

2:00 AM.

[Slight Pause]
Rewind
[Slow Motion]


3:13 PM. August 7th, 1968.

A package arrived today but mother wouldnt let me see it, I snuck a little look from the top of the stairwell anyway though and I think I saw a little emblem and a bloodstained whistle. The only thing else I noticed was that Mother locked herself in her room for the rest of the day. However, when the coast was clear, I went down to see the box and I noticed that there was a clock in it. "Cheep" said the clock. Thinking I figured out something really important I ran over to Mother's door and thought I could almost knock it down with my excitement. When she opened the door I said "Look Mommy! This clock's alive!" She didnt look like she believed me.

"cheep" said the face in the box
"cheep" said Father

"Its alive" he said "though Daddy never did show me how to use it..."

Daddy never came home.

Pause
[Slight Rewind]
Play


9:42 PM. July 23. 1963.

I asked daddy today why we always lit all the candles around the house. He said it was so we would never forget time... I didnt know what he meant, but I lit them anyway. I actually made believe I was in a sea of fire and the candles were the only santuary, kinda like the phoenixes in that one book daddy read to me last night... When lighting one of the candles though, daddy burned himself and while running to the sink knocked over the clock on the wall, which was a shame, because he said he was going to teach me how to work it tommorow. Daddy said the clock was dead. I believed him.

There was no cheep tonight.

Pause
Rewind
Play


Theres a space for something called a 'date' here but I dont know what it means. i just got this thing for christmas from a girl, I think its called a 'journal', and I had to disinfect it for cooties first. I think the girl's name was some sort of stone 'Amber?' maybe? I promise though, I promise, I wont let this thing come between me and you my beautiful storybook, in fact I think I'll rename you Ms. phoenix, I think I'll rename you 'Amber', it just seems like the thing to do.

""""""""""""""
""""""""""""""

"hmm, darn, theres dust on this picture, its my favorite one too... maybe I should brush it off, or maybe I should burn it, the book says phoenix cant die..."

Pause...
Rewind...
Stop...
Theres no more tape...


"cheep" goes existence
"cheep" goes time
...


No, this isnt fucking right.
This doesnt fucking add up...
My family, my father, are all dead, and even in
this fucking drunken state
I know that I can blame you, you clock on the wall
And that damn 'cheep', for every passing moment of disaster,
But yet;

Without disaster there would be no beauty
Without a Phoenix there would be no light
Now please, set my wick ablaze and let me burn to a puddle of
Melted vodka and malted soap, bloodstained whistles and Housewife's hope
...before the dust gets me."
Last edited by #1 synth at Jul 1, 2006,
#3
I thought "Shall I attempt to fully crit one of synths pieces?" then I realised that this wasn't the right one to start that with.

To be honest, I loved it. I think you're going to get a mixed reaction to this, but I loved it. I loved the changein time, I loved how you wrote each part, I loved the whole damn concept of it. I loved every part.

There's the odd spelling mistake.

Brilliant. You should drink Mexican vodka more often when writing
#4
slight edit in the intro, its now slightly less rambling, not by much though, and I assure you the actual piece hasnt been touched. Thanks muchos Jammy, much <3 and I actually hope I get a mixed reaction, as long as I get some sort of reaction as I know people are turned off by length (insert sex joke here)

and that damn mexi-vodka was absalutely disgusting, strong as hell too, i think it worked to my advantage though (besides the headache when I woke up). so, uh, ya, any more would be much appreciated, they dont even have to be crits, random praise is okay too .
#5
Dude, that piece kicked my ass.

Excellent concept, excellent execution, excellent read. There are some grammatical errors and so forth, but they may have been intentional (or just a side effect of the state you were in.) It's inspired me to post here more often; I think that's the biggest compliment I can give it.
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#6
I really, really liked it. Thanks for the crit on mine, by the way . There were a few spelling mistakes but since you were... umm.... "under the influence" as you put it , they can be forgiven. Overall, I agree with Jammy: Whoa.
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Whoa I just had a revelation: What if god is a dog?A big white fluffy dog that drools a lot and pees on random people and humps strangers' legs?
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Wait..if someone owns a dog that does that..WTF
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Than...they own god! That's it. I'm getting a dog.
#7
There's something missing. Something is about an inch off the mark, but it certainly isn't immediately seen... Hmm...

Let's see if this fits the bill:

There needs to be something done with the discrepancy between the ethereal and the real. There's a big jump between the grand concepts like space, time, extension, et cetera and your day-to-day realization of information... While I really like the effect of almost tearing through the guise of "reality" to see the cogwheels of existence clicking, it seems like the effect is pushed to the side. In my opinion, there needs to be some sort of modification either enlarging (quantitatively), enhancing (qualitatively), or consolidating this interesting element. Personally, I would like to see this done in the manner of including, perhaps, another paragraph in the epilogue section. Perhaps, not even that much - subtle enough not to become detrimental to the narrative qualities, yet apparent enough to flair the notion of the greater forces at play.

That and there's a couple spelling/grammar issues... Also, think about a child's writing - would they really say "disinfect"?

Overall, quite a nice piece. There's some definite moments that are lasting and real, telling both of the quality of the work and of the writer.
#9
Quote by paraboetheo

That and there's a couple spelling/grammar issues... Also, think about a child's writing - would they really say "disinfect"?


ya, I know I also just kinda made up some random phrases that I thought would be 70's slang. To adress your earlier point of 'something lacking' I completely agree, and in my personal opinion its hidden in the fact that though my themes, though appearing to run in great depth arent as interconnected as I originally hoped, however, that was also what I was most afraid of, my own will to do a bunch of stylistic ****. Believe me, I had a bunch of stylistic ideas that came at me when I started writing, and if I had incorporated them all not only would the piece be double the length, the ideas would throw the balance of the 'etheral and real', as you so adeptly put it, completely off kilter. In short, in order to fix that 'something lacking' I believe I would need to about double the length and probably revise it more times than I would care to count, because it still wouldnt add up completely unless the mix was perfect.

On a somewhat related note, I love your crits parabotheo, some of the most in depth stuff I've read on here as far as analysis go, though I supose its a nice little comment to the authors of the pieces you crit that your able to analyze so much out of them

In short, you rule, keep up the good work, your like a mixture of Will and Pooch, which is a damn good compliment.

Edit: Dayum! you just joined today! F'in a, welcome to S&L, its nice to have someone who knows what their talking about

To the rest of the people: your comments make my tummy go <3. whatever that means.
Last edited by #1 synth at Jul 2, 2006,
#10
I owe you a Critique on something a little more conventional, because I'd be here for hours writing on this one.
Remind me please, that was great, I just dont know what to say about it though. You're gonna have a helluva time putting it to music if thats what it's meant to be even.
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#11
This is a very clever piece, sir. You got the 'pause, rewind, play' bit from another writer's piece, didn't you? I'm not criticising, but I can remember it from somewhere.

Actually, I think that might have prevented you from makin' this into a really good piece. My problem is that I reckon it would've been far more effective goin' forwards.

The final stanza starts off far too bluntly. I think that after such a provocative piece, you have to make sure the finale is going to really make the reader appreciate the piece as a whole. Personally, I think you need to work harder on that last little bit.

All in all, this seemed like a very big effort from you, and I wonder if you tried to do just a little bit too much? Still, fantastic effort.
#12
Quote by CJW
This is a very clever piece, sir. You got the 'pause, rewind, play' bit from another writer's piece, didn't you? I'm not criticising, but I can remember it from somewhere.

The final stanza starts off far too bluntly. I think that after such a provocative piece, you have to make sure the finale is going to really make the reader appreciate the piece as a whole. Personally, I think you need to work harder on that last little bit.


did I really take that from someone else ****, sorry whoever that was... actually now that you mention it, that does ring a bell. I really just thought of it when I was looking around my room and saw a DVD player, at least so I thought, maybe I was so impressed with how the other writer used it that I subconciously chose to use it? I would just like to say that I always try to be as original as possible and I sincerly apoligise if I did jack that bit from someone else...

And, I dunno, I kinda like it backwards, but the thing with writing it backwards was it didnt aloow me to link as much as I wanted to so by the 'rushed ending' I could tie it together. Also, the ending was rushed because I was falling asleep in my chair and I had to get to sleep, if i were to docter anything from this it would be both the beggining and end.

cheers Zack, and no further crit of any of my work is needed, thats really all I needed to hear. Oh, and no music was intended, I think I might alter it to a short play though.
#14
Did i just read that? Did that just happen...??

WOW.

Like........

W O W !
I dont even know how to crit this...theres no point really, me being ammiture and you kicking complete ASS....any crit from me to you would just be nothingness.
So.
Il just say that i loved it =] Fantastic.
franz xx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#19
lol did you just decide to go off on one and write about...everything? lol its awsome. hahaha try makin the music for it now and it could break a world record.
Songs working on :

Nitelife
#20
Quote by #1 synth
just a simple bump before I leave, and a final goodbye, well peace!


Dude you're leaving UG too?
There is no place else to go
The theater is closed
#21
wow realy amazn
yes can you feel the not so delicate ego stroke?
wel you deserve stroking or rather your talent does.
there are doors that open
there are doors that dont

A recent study shows that 8% of teenagers listen to nothing but music with guitars in it. Put this in your sig if you're one of the 92% who aren't close-minded morons.
#22
Quote by s0nofabe4ch
Dude you're leaving UG too?


you people crack me up

uh, if you didnt notice, I was already gone for a month, about the time this piece was posted, ya, i was gone for a trip, nothing else... I'm back now

cheers to the bumping and praise much <3 to you all