#1
This is the piece with my written explanations.

Temperamentally Lost

Not knowing how to feel

I could prop my valuables against my chest from the inconceivable stress
Maybe store it in a locker, from the inside they might see
Control my witness with their twitching thumbs
Five more minutes, five more minutes.

Ok, my valuables are my feelings are privicy and the stress is simply not being able to let it go. The witness is a mate i told. Five more minutes... well yeah, wanting to wait longer just for pure fear

Fuck the alarm clock; let it ring like those last shots in my ear
The pistol reloaded, my muscles ached with anguish
Comprehended with morning?s wake of violence
Her smile wiped the hatred from my face, yet another brick from the wall

Letting the alarm clock ring is referring to the five minutes again. The pistol reloading is when i was expecting her to start being insensitive and all that. Morning was referring to the five minutes again and the violence is the insensitivity i was expecting. The last line is wuite self-explanatory

Prepared my ambush from corruption and insensitivity
My gun jammed as I fell down on my knees
With muffled humbleness, I draw ?please? from my lips
Clattered to the ground their weapon to earth
The hand of god no longer belongs to Argentina

My ambush is preparing to fight back. But i wouldn't fight back because i'd never have the strength. Their weapon is their words that i was expecting her to say and the hand of god is her hand which (metaphorically) lifted me up, resembling her kindness and understanding.

Caught in her landslide, lost in her woods, drawn to her light

Self explanatory.

There, hope you enjoyed!
Last edited by caz_guitar_dude at Jul 15, 2006,
#2
I'm guessing this has alot of personal meaning, I can't really get what the situation is. I kinda almost get parts of it, but I'm not sure if this is about a massacare or suicide or something like that. Interesting though, and "hand of god" is a nice description. Good stuff
#4
Indeed it has; i have an obscure way of writing so it's often hard to tell, however, all will be revealed once the crits dry up. Thanks for the crit
#5
I don't believe this has anything to do with violence. I've read it about ten times trying to get a meaning and I've decided upon a sporting failure (football penalty shootout miss, perhaps), so here goes.

Stanza 1 - This is before the match, where you're wishing everything will go well. Maybe the valuables are what you've earned through football, they are what keep you going. Then it goes to the shootout, with your witnesses being the fans. Shooutouts don't last longer than five minutes or so. (So how far off am I? )

Stanza 2 - The morning after, possibly a hangover from your own consoling the night before. I don't think the pistol is literal but I can't get anything metaphorical out of it so I'll give it a miss for now. The violence, possibly caused by your miss, has happened during the night wherever you are. Maybe your girlfriend/wife has stopped you from hating yourself because of it.

Stanza 3 - Perhaps this is a metaphor for the conference afterwards (thoughts of Beckham's choice of leaving the captaincy) and saying sorry and asking for forgiveness. That last line I'm unsure about in this context. Maybe something's happened in the game or afterwards and you fell it might be divine intervention.

Final Line - Your girlfriend/wife is helping you to overcome your feelings.

There we go. Or it could be about murder and killing everybody but meh. And thank you for reminding me to get to this
#6
I like this.
There are a lot of really good one liners in it and I like my one liners.
I like the writing style.
Good stuff.
#7
Quote by Dæmönika
I don't believe this has anything to do with violence. I've read it about ten times trying to get a meaning and I've decided upon a sporting failure (football penalty shootout miss, perhaps), so here goes.

Stanza 1 - This is before the match, where you're wishing everything will go well. Maybe the valuables are what you've earned through football, they are what keep you going. Then it goes to the shootout, with your witnesses being the fans. Shooutouts don't last longer than five minutes or so. (So how far off am I? )

Stanza 2 - The morning after, possibly a hangover from your own consoling the night before. I don't think the pistol is literal but I can't get anything metaphorical out of it so I'll give it a miss for now. The violence, possibly caused by your miss, has happened during the night wherever you are. Maybe your girlfriend/wife has stopped you from hating yourself because of it.

Stanza 3 - Perhaps this is a metaphor for the conference afterwards (thoughts of Beckham's choice of leaving the captaincy) and saying sorry and asking for forgiveness. That last line I'm unsure about in this context. Maybe something's happened in the game or afterwards and you fell it might be divine intervention.

Final Line - Your girlfriend/wife is helping you to overcome your feelings.

There we go. Or it could be about murder and killing everybody but meh. And thank you for reminding me to get to this

Very good, very very good. But no!
All shall be revealed soon!

Thanks for the crits everyone.
#8
I bit to obscure for me bud, I would like to see something a little more accessable from you matey, just personal preference. I like the emotions and you have created a nice blend of hope, anger and more hope but I am a tad confused. I was heading down the same line as daemonika, The hand of Diego(d) and all that, but tbh I have no idea where you are heading with this. Some great lines for sure but a tad obscure.

Hope you well my friend
#9
I like the style of writing good imagery very original could be a bit more accesible though and I dont get the flow.
#11
Thanks for the crit on mine. I like this. It's got good imagery and is very imaginative. However, I don't know wether it's just me but I find things easier and more exciting to read if there's rhyme. Even if it's just a subtle rhyme every now and again just to keep people interested. That's all I can say. Hope I helped ;p

Danny x
www.myspace.com/joyridingrange
#12
Ha, I agree totally with Glenn, and I love Daemonikas interpretation of this, for me I thought it was right untill you said otherwise..

But, yeh, I didn't catch the meaning, but it's written well and quite strong, and it's nice variation

So, confused but I didn't mind because it was a nice piece to read. Good Job.
#13
Oh yeah, i was meant to tell you what itwas all about wasn't i? Ah, i forgot!

Ok, much to your suprise i'm guessing, it's about a girl (again) who, after months of dawdling, i finally managed to express my feelings about. Now, i was expecting a "Really? Well i absolutely hate you so there" and woldn't talk to me for ages but instead i was greeted with the upmost kindness, sensitivity and understanding.

So, i've edited my original post for you lot. Have fun.
#14
I personally think it's a good thing to see someone thinking so deeply about how they want to express the meanings of the piece. What I think you need to decide, caz, is whether YOU want people to 'get' your work entirely, or if you'd prefer to keep'em guessing.

The only thing I had a problem with was the Argentina line. I get it, but I don't reckon it works very well in such a piece.
#16
Yes, I see the meanings now, and I would probably agree with CJW about the Argentina line.

Good work Caz