#1
No rules broken, as I deleted my last thread

Have at it, as honest as possible. I'm pretty sure a few owe me crits, so I'd appreciate it if they were returned here.

Another one of my pieces which I just... wrote.

Critique for Critique. To everyone


So she's just a possesion, is she?
An object to be used as and when it's needed
I bet you saw her and said "I'll have to f*ck it"
Well I don't want the spade
Just pass me the bucket

Keeping her in line with a tense word?
She's all yours to keep on a leash out of trouble
Inundated with strict talkings to about the way you behave
Everynight hears him yell
Out like a shockwave

All night, the screams and shouts can be heard
What a fright, The screams and shouts can be heard
And all night, the walls shake with the noise
He's ain't normal you know
Well he's just one of 'em boys

So she's just a possesion is she?
Summin you keep in the very back of your wardrobe
Taken out for a spin like a maserati
Worn on your arm
When your out at a party

All night, the screams and shouts can be heard
What a fright, The screams and shouts can be heard
And all night, the walls shake with the noise
He's ain't normal you know
Well he's just one of 'em boys
All night, the screams and shouts can be heard
What a fright, The screams and shouts can be heard
And all night, the walls shake with the noise
He's ain't normal you know
Well he's just one of 'em boys

Just one of 'em boys
That exist to make trouble
Rugged looks and a
Five O clock stubble
Shots go down and
Pints are stolen
Fists are thrown leaving
Eyes so swollen

Well to me he's lower than scum
Well to me he's lower than scum
To me he's lower than scum
So no he cannot come

All night, the screams and shouts can be heard
What a fright, The screams and shouts can be heard
And all night, the walls shake with the noise
He's ain't normal you know
Well he's just one of 'em boys
All night, the screams and shouts can be heard
What a fright, The screams and shouts can be heard
And all night, the walls shake with the noise
He's ain't normal you know
Well he's just one of 'em boys

He's just one of them boys
#2
I have to ask: what's a "maserati"? While it certainly looks Latin to me, I never learned the fourth principal part to "masero"... (Sorry, bad Latin humor.)

It sounds like a country song... Which means that the lyrics fit the audience.

Ok. There's some thematic confusion here.

Part I: she's a possession. Part II: the rule of thumb, as it originally was. Part III: the chorus; questionably either abuse or sex - or both. Part IV: she's a social possession. Part V: he drinks - doesn't shave - and steals his liquor (the bastard!)? Part VI: he can't come somewhere... ??

If you see what I'm trying to get at, the song, essentially, starts to break down in the chorus (which, honestly, sounds like they're having violent sex - to be completely honest). Then you go about criticizing his shaving habits, and I get confused...

So, organization. Clip this and that - rework, reword.

"He's ain't normal you know
Well he's just one of 'em boys"

That first line has two verbs right next to each other... "He is is not normal", sans contractions.

Right. So, the thematic organization and grammar (which is in need of a fixin') aside, this is a nice case-study (if such a genre exists). Good radio play type of song... (Kind of Nickelback-ish.) Not going to grab the attentions of the intelligentsia, though.
#3
Well, first of all, I have never seen a song written about this subject, so Ihave to give you kudos on original thematic content. The imagery was excellent. It really painted a vivid world for me.

Crit mine please

The Face of an Angel
#4
I reckon this started very brightly, but tailed away towards the end.

For me, the first four stanzas are OK, 'cause there's nothin' wrong with them that I can really point out, and they seemed to deal with the theeme with suitable sharpness. After that though, I believe the repetition was too much and there was a lack of the intelligence in the verses which had been present earlier.

Once again, I'll ask you to consider dropping a rhyme scheme for such a sombre piece, because not only do they hold back on the content, they also impact on the reader's perception, and can make it seem too trivial.

Overall, this was another interesting piece from you jammy. Keep on workin' at it.
#5
Many thanks to those who commented.

paraboetheo, I love it that you've proved join date means nothing- thanks for such a good crit. A Maserati is a car, of that in the same vein as a Ferrari. Thanks for the points you've raised- however, I must say that there is noting to do with violent sex in there, even if it came across like that. I won't explain the song, but I'll gaurantee you it wasn't about that

CJW, on re-reading, I completely agree with you on the second half of the song. If I don't get it right soon, you have persmission to give me a right slapping

Thanks also to the marsvolta. I'll get back to you.

Anymore for anymore? C4C.

Ps. Penalties Again. Why? WHY?

ETA: paraboetheo, looking around, you really do know what you're talking about. I hope you stay, and I can't wait to see any pieces that you post
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Jul 2, 2006,
#6
I like this. It's a good anthem for those of us who give a **** about other human beings.
Originally posted by Grimster
This couple was doing like this romantic shoot like in there house, and all of a sudden a clown walked in and jizzed on the guys face. That is the true meaning of christmas.


#7
Holy crap, how did i miss this..?
Sorry jammydude, y'know i love ya =]

This is a fantastic peice of work, and il agree with the above as well. A great subject to write about. I like how you express your veiws along with the contrasting viewpoint of the guy you are talking about...Written from experience?
Sounds like it. So this is great, but the one thing id change would be
To me he's lower than scum
So no he cannot come

Because it just sounded really forced and abit random.
Apart from that, once again a kick-ass peice of work from you and i look forward to hearing more =]
Can you crit mine? Its called "oh,so,bad"
FraNz xxxxx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#8
Im not bumping! On reading yer song again i just forgot to mention that i am in love with the first verse. Pure brilliance that is.
Great opening too <3

franz xx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#9
Thanks retch, and once more, Franz.

Although I still don't know what everyone thinks this is based on- I had a pretty clear idea in my head, and I don't think I made it to clear in the piece, as I'm not sure if anyone has the right idea yet.

I'll explain someother time, or not at all.
#12
I deleted my last thread because it was a terrible piece of writing, and I didn't want it to keep getting bumped up to the top of the forum. I had like 3 crits on it, which I fully returned anyway.

Sorry if you thought I was abusing the system. It wasn't intentional
#13
So she's just a possesion, is she?
An object to be used as and when it's needed
I bet you saw her and said "I'll have to f*ck it"
Well I don't want the spade
Just pass me the bucket
I liked this alot for some reason

Ill give the song 9.7/10 because i loved it and It has a good
and really interesting point.
#14
Good ideas, but it doesn't really seem to flow for me. If it does work - leave it.

Some verses I didn't like include;

So she's just a possesion, is she?
An object to be used as and when it's needed
I bet you saw her and said "I'll have to f*ck it"
Well I don't want the spade
Just pass me the bucket

Just one of 'em boys
That exist to make trouble
Rugged looks and a
Five O clock stubble
Shots go down and
Pints are stolen
Fists are thrown leaving
Eyes so swollen


The first stanza I've quoted just doesn't seem to flow for me unfortunately. It just d

The second stanza - stats good - ends badly for the same reason.

The very direct dilect doesn't take too much to understand fully with little difficulty - but it grows on you though.

You've made it aggressive, you've kept the tone well throughout, whilst keeping your head and keeping it simple - good technique used.

Well to me he's lower than scum
Well to me he's lower than scum
To me he's lower than scum
So no he cannot come


This is good, but just doesn't give a "ring"... If you get what I mean.

That's it for crit to make it better. I thought it was another good piece of work by you. Well done.
#15
One of the best songs I've read very entertaining, I can imagine the rhythm. Lines are perhaps a bit to direct the song would benefit if you gave a more detailed description of the character and describing that despite what he's like you envy him because he has her in his "possesion". The last stanza is too repetitive. Maybe you could replace it?
#16
All night, the screams and shouts can be heard
What a fright, The screams and shouts can be heard
And all night, the walls shake with the noise
He's ain't normal you know
Well he's just one of 'em boys

So she's just a possesion is she?
Summin you keep in the very back of your wardrobe
Taken out for a spin like a maserati
Worn on your arm
When your out at a party

that's the best part of the song. the last two stanzas aren't good because of the repitition you used. overall, 9/10.
B.C. RICH
#18
I like the maserati rhyme, in contrast to the ****it - bucket rhyme which just made me laugh. I instantly put an arctic monkeys type tune to this, just seems like something they'd actually do. good song though I like it, even if some of it was not the best writing of yours ive seen. 7.5/10
songs: Left Behind choices
Quote by MadClownDisease
Well I can top you all, I've done my mum, my step brother AND a cat. As well as quite a few corpses.
#19
Thankyou all for your time.

I agree with all the points raised here, and will go about editing this somewhen.

And If you ever get the chance to see the Red Hot Chili Peppers, I suggest you do. they're awesome.