#1
I got a lot of flak for posting my last one in paragraph form, so I put some attempt at making stanzas in this one. I still say it's made for paragraph and it looks bad this way, but your call.

------------

Your sickness had to get worse before it could truly heal.
Hang on; the poison in your veins is only temporary.
Disregard the burning, it means the antidote is working.
Death from above and you didn?t have a chance.

Now you?re seven kinds of f*cked up strapped to a hospital bed with
too many chemicals pumping through your veins.
Most of them aren?t meant to cure you.
The receptionist didn?t know what to make of your mess.
You probably looked like a corpse already.

I hope you?ve said all that you needed to say because you sure as f*ck
won?t get another chance to say it.
The doctors are only pretending you?re going to make it.
Going through the motions for another victim of this f*cking pandemic.
Their hearts aren?t in it, but yours is on the operating table.
#7
here is the problem with this and many songs here on UG, there is no f'ing point to this, there is no greater meaning. Sure you have an opinion relayed via lines to a 'recipient', sure this may be based off of real hatred, but through this piece what do you accomplish? What did you really hope to accomplish? (remember intention and actuality are different things), nothing. This is plain and this is without purpose, flow, or any relation to adhere to as an audience member, if you look closely you'll see that you just put some random words on a page during a brief forced state of 'inspiration' and made a pseudo-story in which you expressed not only a lack of knowledge of whatever subject you were writing on but also a very pressing feeling of imaturity.

Actually, I take part of what I said back, you are a good writer, I can tell, and I can tell that you've written a semi-fair amount of pieces. However, the rest of it still applies, you just set down basic imagery with a almost witty ending and hoped that it would stick to the audience.

In conclusion, I believe it is your heart on the operating table and it was your heart that just wasnt in it when writing this piece

Shit, I was really harsh, sorry bro, I just calls them as I sees them. If you will... https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=386089
#8
Quote by #1 synth
Shit, I was really harsh, sorry bro, I just calls them as I sees them. If you will... https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=386089


Please don't apologize, your critique (harsh though it may have been) was certainly welcome. I'd be happy to give my thoughts on your piece.
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