#1
my first song in a while...crit for crit


[chorus]
woah ooh oh christine,
you make me wish i never met ya
you've brought me more heartache
than i could ever take
but after all we've been through
it'd be too much if it's you i lose


[verse 1]
it's bad how they've been treatin' you
your make up's ruined from all the tears
oh, some days death feels good you say
but it's because of me you'll stay
i know it's love you got for me
and it's my foolish pride
that's making me think twice before saying
those three words back


[repeat chorus]

[verse 2]
you'd think i know a good thing when i see it

i guess my sight's shot to ****
from all the tears i've shed for her
spent so much time hanging on one person
i lose sight of someone better
and that person's you

[repeat chorus again]


[pre-solo]
i couldn't say it to you
cause my words would've come out wrong
so im relying on this song
to say these words i've been meaning to say:
i...love....you

[solo]


[repeat chorus and outro]
G-G-G D-E-C C chord
#2
It's endearing.

However, from the technical aspect, it is as cliched as anything could be.
My suggestions:

1) Stronger images. Give me something more than words to hold on to. It is easier for a human mind to remember something if you give it multiple sensory experiences within a single idea (a complex idea, for scholars of Locke; also, some fair trivia). Therefore, the goal is to achieve a subtle state of shifting images and thematic statements - if your images both are relevant and actively take part in upholding the theme, you've done your job as a lyricist.

1b) Don't worry about the diction. Remember, you're attempting to put something so distant that it is almost abstract into something as close to your own experience - working outside your own range is not only going to produce awkward lyrics, it'll also alienate your audience.

2) Build emotion through a fair mixture of introspection and actualized actions - you cry, but don't forget the sorrow involved. The more applicable (emphasis on applicable: you don't want to be unnecessarily applying emotions to situations in which those emotions never would occur) emotions to each action you can attach, the more realistically complex the action becomes - thereby, the more I can relate, as a complex, emotional human.

3) Consider adding more of your own experience in this piece, as, otherwise, it seems cliche. The more you pull out from the specifics, the more generalized a piece becomes... the topic of love, certainly, is more than heavily covered on a generalized level, therefore breeding cliche like rabbits. The solution is to connect yourself truthfully to the lyric, express your emotion in a creative fashion, and refine the product by making your own experience both relevant and relatable.