#1
untitldz

And it?s funny to think
That all we?ve got left tonight
Are the drinks in our hands

The glasses are leaving
Imprints, full of fatigue
Like our sorrowful hearts

We?re finding comfort
In the lips of our friends
But those lips are peeling off
And pretty soon they?re gonna be gone
Just like everything else we hold in our hands

Maybe these empty glasses
Need to stay empty a little longer
?Cause I?m surely not myself

I?ve got a couple ideas
And theories to go with them
But that **** is getting old

Tangled in heaps
Of unwanted limbs
And wrapped in the sheets
Of our past loves
Stained with regret and remorse

And kid, I gotta ask
Is that a dick or an anchor between your legs?
Because it?s sure as hell weighing you down


So. Uhm. Not typical me. It needs work, I know that.. I'm asking for help.
#2
more lines like this... "And kid, I gotta ask
Is that a dick or an anchor between your legs?
Because it?s sure as hell weighing you down" thats great!

i like this, check out mine, Global Dimming/Warming
#3
Its definately a work in progress.

It seems like some of your lines you just wrote and not even you know what they're supposed to mean. Such as "Imprints, full of fatigue". I may be wrong, its just vague, but not really a good vague. Just my opinion.

The other thing that REALLY jumps out is that it seems like you sat down 3 or 4 seperate times to write this piece. The first three stanzas made me think it was going to be like a story song and it kept talking about glasses and emptiness and stuff. Then you are confused or undecided for a few verses. The second last one is like you were horny and sort of joking a little ('sheets' and 'stained' gives quite the mental picture that also doesn't fit with anything else in the lyrics).

And this brings us to the last three lines. They are ridiculous and you should change them. From the stuff at the start, you show that you aren't stupid and can write, so apply yourself here. OR change the whole song to be sort of juvinile and 'funny'. Or have it serious and then suddenly end with a joke, its up to you.

I think what may have happened was that you wanted to finish this set of lyrics once and for all, or at least an outline of them, and so you rushed it. One of my friends has a degree in English, and writes stuff all the time. He told me that I should never (unless thats the feeling you want) rush my writing, even if it means putting it aside for a month or a year. I think you should work on it some more, maybe try and make it more consistant. I liked the way you started it, maybe stick with that.

I realize that this is fairly critical, but it is in no way supposed to offend you. You are probably aware of most of the things I pointed out anyways. If you do a second draft, I'd love to see it and help you work out anything that you want on it.
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour
#5
Quote by pixiesfanyo
heh. the ending is the only part i really like.


Well then I'd say its your writing so stick with what you like. Try expanding that into a full set of lyrics, see what you come up with.

As for the rest, don't throw it away. Save it and look at it later, maybe you'll like it and want to finish it then. Good luck
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour
#7
"I’ve got a couple ideas
And theories to go with them
But that **** is getting old" -- Wow, I love that, great concept in three lines.

Anyways, on to the stuff that needs some work. I'm having trouble finding a coherent idea throughout the whole thing. Is there a chorus or a part that gets repeated? That would help bring some cohesion to it, bring it all together. Try to get one common theme to bring it all together.

My opinion: It's got some good lines, but all in all needs work.
#11
which, according to the conventions of the forum, is supposed to be the song title... But, ok So your thread title sounds like a modified Jeff Buckley lyric
Hi, I'm Peter
#13
The song didn't seem to have any focus to me. There seemed to be a bunch of ideas going on there. But that's not a bad thing. The vagueness of the lyrics gives it mystery and I am a fan of cryptic lyrics. The writing was Oh and the last stanza was great.

Crit mine please?
The Face of an Angel
#14
im confused by the end, it seems like it has nothing to do with the rest of the song....its clever though....i liked it up to the end, and that sort of made me think that there was somethings said throughout the piece that were irrelevant...
On the day that I go up they'll be completely out of forgiveness supplies

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