#1
This is the first full song I've ever written (I've written parts of songs before, but I could never seem to finish one). Please tell me whether you like it or not. Crit for crit.


(verse 1)
Slipping underground
Without the slightest sound
Once I've disappeared
No one cares if I'm found
Remembering dejection
Which is my frigid past
Never came first
But I always come last

(chorus)
Vacant years
Fractured tears
Benefaction so unreal
Shattered youth
Seeking truth
Broken hearts are for the steal

(verse 2)
My heart's against the wall
I fell victim to you all
Watch as I fade away
Laugh as I slowly fall
I mean nothing, I'm only one
But maybe, just maybe
One is better than none

(chorus x 2)

(outro thingy)
Bleeding inside (your desire)
Running, can't hide (inner fire)
Leaving myself (evacuate)
The unloved never get a goodbye


edit: I changed the second verse so that it matches the first verse's rhyme scheme better, although it doesn't match it perfectly.
Last edited by 40ozcasualties1 at Jul 2, 2006,
#2
It seems pretty sad/depressing. There are some good lines in it, I enjoyed it for the most part. Except when i had to look up "Benefaction"

Laugh in your throne
I was only one
But maybe just maybe
One is better than none

Thats probably my favourite part. It seems nice, I'd love to hear it if you put music with it - unless you meant it to just be a poem. Your title keeps making me think of Frank Zappa's song "Broken hearts are for assholes"

If you wrote this based on personal expereince, I feel sorry for you - but at least you aren't keeping your feelings locked inside you. It seems fairly emotional, I'd say its probably pretty close to what you will end up keeping as the final draft.

What do you mean by "for the steal"? Like steal as in metal, or as in theft?
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour
#3
I was completely in love with it up until the second verse. That part seemed to have a slightly less consistent flow than the rest of it. Try comparing its rhythm to that of the first verse, and see if there are some stresses and syllables you can change.

As for the rest of it... I wish I had written it. Seriously. Amazing.
#4
great song, chorus is great and it needs to be sung with gang vox for sure, check out my song, Global Dimming/Warming on the tread page.
#5
Thanks so much for the crit. iain444, what I meant by "for the steal" was something like "for the taking", but I wanted it to rhyme, so yeah, I mean it like theft. I wouldn't consider it a forced rhyme, because in my opinion it fits in with the rest of the song. jdreed08, I was and still am thinking of changing it because I realised that the second verse doesn't keep the same rhythm as the first one, and yes it's meant to be a song, but I'm only 12 so I don't have access to any recording equipment or anything nor enough money to buy it, and I haven't even written any tab or anything to accompany it. I'll check it out, MANATEEN.
Last edited by 40ozcasualties1 at Jul 2, 2006,
#7
Thanks Yeah, it is pretty depressing.. it's not about anything that's personally happened to me, nor is it about anything specific. It's more like an abstract concept, about how people are often mistreated and not cared about.
Quote by Hotpunksk8rgirl
I honestly don't see whats so dumb about my threads. I could make the most smarterest thread even and you would find something about it to pick on me for.....
#8
thats really good
the short lines give it a really tight rhythmn which sort of match up with the underlying agression in the words

very good
www.freewebs.com/silentproject
#9
Thanks. Do you have anything you'd like me to crit?
Quote by Hotpunksk8rgirl
I honestly don't see whats so dumb about my threads. I could make the most smarterest thread even and you would find something about it to pick on me for.....
#10
Quote by 40ozcasualties1
Thanks. Do you have anything you'd like me to crit?


Meant to add - may I commend you on your sig.

I had one of her best as a sig - "how can i have the iq of a fence post? fence posts dont have iqs dumbass"
#11
i like it... especially the title. its one of the best titles ive heard. and your cool since you critiqued my song so kindly... i appreciate it. i like the rhyme pattern, because it kind of mixes up the flow of the song, and it seems catchy. you should record this, and post a link. since you obviously like the casualties... i thought id tell you im seeing them on warped tour tomorrow, which will be ****ing awesome.