#1
I wrote this one a while ago when I was learning to play piano. Simple, basic rhymes, common theme, not an exceptional piece, but I still like it. I probably don't need to tell anyone what its about, but its about a very close friend who decided she was going to waste her life getting high and drunk. Anywho, enjoy, and as always crit for crit.

"Lost in Plain Sight"

(verse)
I know you're out there somewhere
i know you're all alone
a hundred miles from me
searchin' for your home

with no hope in finding
what you're looking for
trouble's waiting for you
behind every door

(chorus)
now just take a minute
look at what you've done
and this life you're leading
is it that fun?

is it entertaining
to spend all your days
blinded from the light
stuck in a haze?

(verse)
and you keep on walking
down that dusty street
turn into an alley
dont know who you'll meet

you don't walk alone
there's many others there
they don't help you out
all they do is stare

(repeat chorus)

(bridge)
You didn't even care
pushed me away when i was there
you didn't even shout
i was just trying to help you out

and since you said goodbye
you've had your head up in the sky
not answering my calls
lost in your world of chemicals

(repeat chorus 2x)
#2
great song, and its actually about something, only part that needs to be changed is

You didn't even care
pushed me away when i was there
you didn't even shout
i was just trying to help you out

check out my song Global Dimming/Warming, back on the thread page.
#3
I second working on the

You didn't even care
pushed me away when i was there
you didn't even shout
i was just trying to help you out

part. People will tell you its becuase of rythme, and how it doesn't fit in that way. I've never really cared about that, if you like it then leave it. I only pointed it out becuase it was the only thing that really stood out as needing a change.

"lost in your world of chemicals" is a nice line to end it, really drives home what its about. BUT its sort of...out of place. I can't really think of a better way of saying it - but if you can then see what you think.

I'm also going through the same thing with about 6 or more of my good friends. Its heartbreaking to see people do that to themselves, but I've told them, and said that I'm not going to bother them about it - its their life, they are old enough to decide what to do with it. When they all started I did too, it seemed so fun at the time. Meh, about a year later, I had my head between my knees puking because of lack of air because we were smoking weed in a sauna for a few hours. It really hit me then "wow, aren't you cool, enjoying destroying yourself" sort of thing. Anyways I'm over it now and I feel wonderful. Sorry about that, your song really brought back memories.

It is a nice peice, fairly simple as you said, but that hardly matters. Thanks for the read
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour
#4
Yeah, I know the first part of the bridge needs work, I don't like the sound of it when I half-ass sing it (i am definetly not a singer), but then again I havent worked on this song in a while, so I'll take a look at it.

The chemicals line does seem kinda thrown in, but like I said, I'll look into it.

Thanks a lot guys.
#5
In some lines, such as "stuck in a haze", you might want to add a syllable. Other than that, it's really good.
#6
Dang, that was really good. It made think of my cousins who are huge potheads...hmm...well great job.
#7
definately an interesting idea...

but you definately stole the title form the band name HIDDEN IN PLAIN VIEW...but i wont tell if you dont...

its a great concept...and i liek the rhyme scheme...some people over use rhymes....btu this song is perfect...

great work...

crit my new song?
crit my rhymes?:

Lets Get Drunk and Fuck.

Subtle Arrogance

Do you realize, that i can clearly see your clitoris through your jeans?

Quote by Shaepwnsyou
They're very religious, so they have butt sex to save their virginity.
#8
THe flow here was very smooth, it reminded me of Travis songs (one of my favorite bands) so kudos for that. I think its jsut a personal thing for me but the only thing I didnt like was the word "you" appearing in so many lines, im not a fan of the word "you" for some reason. Other that I liked it a lot i would love to hear it with music!
Originally posted by the_experience
andrewfox5 is on crack....that is all I have to say.