#1
THE FACE OF AN ANGEL

Mirror, mirror on the wall
There is substance to your laugh
Mocking so befittingly
The visage that I am
As a condoling leper
Scrutinizes me behind the glass
Concerned with matters that are skin deep
Never finding the perfection I seek

One day I'll buy the face of an angel
Then you'll love me too
Just as I love you

I envy the mannequins
Who have it so grand
Why do we trouble ourselves
With cosmetics, if I may ask
Digesting the doctrine
That beauty does not last
All my life it?s been shoved in my mouth
And the bitter taste makes me want to spit it out

One day I'll buy the face of an angel
Then you'll love me too
Just as I love you

Visited the needle worker
Who brings joy to the mass
I carried all my dreams
Entrusting them in his hands
Swapping out my face
For one of his masks
Rummaging the garments of his wardrobe
Upon my skin the costume was sewed

One day I'll buy the face of an angel
Then you'll love me too
Just as I love you
Last edited by themarsvolta at Sep 3, 2006,
#2
First of all, thanks for the crit on mine . Now for your piece...

I think you've got a really good idea/concept going but it seems to lack flow and... flair, I guess. Or maybe emotion. It just seems kind of dry, to me. It could definitely be better.
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Whoa I just had a revelation: What if god is a dog?A big white fluffy dog that drools a lot and pees on random people and humps strangers' legs?
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Wait..if someone owns a dog that does that..WTF
Quote by forty-six_and_2
Than...they own god! That's it. I'm getting a dog.
#3
its sounds like rhyming may have been forced just for the sake of rhyming, im not grasping what you really trying to portray in this, but i have an idea....maybe work on focusing your point more...and do it more of a personal way then maybe trying to rhyme somehting.....
On the day that I go up they'll be completely out of forgiveness supplies

Member No.8 of Brand New Anonymous. PM MattDaviesFFAF, the_astronaut or ghettohippygirl to join.
#4
Yes, I think the attempted rhyme scheme here on the verses really held you back, I think you could convey your point and message across much better if you didn't try to force those rhymes- maybe try again, and this time just throw some subtle rhyming and assonance in. For me, they rhyming let this piece down, and I think you can write better without it
#6
I really liked this piece. But i think the second verse you should try to rhyme more. the First three lines in the second verse is where the problem is. But overall i did enjoy this alot. These lines i love. What have you done. What have you let me become. I wish I had died young.
#7
Hey, first off, thanks for criting mine.

But anyways, I like it a lot. Although, I think it is a little too wordy in a few spots.

I really, really love the chorus lines, as it is quite applicable to me at the moment.

Besides changing a few words around, I can't really offer anymore advice, as it was retty solid.

Good job.
And if ever You come near, I will hold up high a mirror.
Lord, I could never show you anything as beautiful as You.
#8
Yeh, you got this down, good stuff, you're pretty consistent at the moment with you're writing and it's all been a pretty good read. I'll try and get into you're next piece a bit more, but I think all is present and correct here.

Jamie