#1
this is a work in progress, i just like hearing peoples thoughts and ideas.....be harsh please


The Funny Things

The funny things that people feel
A question without an answer
Is like a heart without a beat
Its stuck, stopped, not moving foward
And foward is where dreams come true

The funny things people do
Talking to ourselves, looking the other way
When what we truly want is right there in front of us

The funny things people see
Some see the beauty of hell
When others see the darkness of heaven
Guess what! Take a guess!
Thats wrong

Why does he stay for her
When she wont stay for him
How can he care so much
And get so little in return
I guess its the smile or maybe the eyes
Whatever it is he wont quit
He will be a friend or a lover
But he wont quit
Because its his everything

Its hard to face reality
When you know it wont be fun
The funny things people say
When they know they are done

The funny things we all think
And there lays the hope
That in the end
Its the thought of me through your head
On the day that I go up they'll be completely out of forgiveness supplies

Member No.8 of Brand New Anonymous. PM MattDaviesFFAF, the_astronaut or ghettohippygirl to join.
#2
Well, you said you wanted harsh criticism, but I really don't have anything bad to say about it. Granted the subject matter is cliched, but you presented it in a good way, so no strikes against you there. Keep working on it, as you said you would, and I think you can have an impactful piece that many people can relate to.

Crit mine please

The Face of an Angel
#3
The novelty is... well... pop-ish. It certainly lends to a stable structure, but I'm thinking it's lulling you into getting comfortable with the nature of the piece, which means that you're not challenging yourself. That much is apparent.

The issue this work, thus far, mainly runs into is the extent to which you portray the exposition of your thesis. You state: "But he wont quit". The remainder of the focus of the song is to prove this - such is the common way to prove a point, and certainly the most efficacious. Your problem? You're using abstract evidence to prove a very specific point. At the very least, "the funny things" should all tie into "But he wont quit" directly. To disengage from your thesis in so many lines, as you have, is to disengage the audience from the intent of the piece. They'll focus more on the novelty than the content, which is the harbinger of doom of many a-misunderstood lyric. Popular and catchy, but everyone misses the point (that song about ninety-nine red balloons is a good example - the song is about the beginning of World War Three, but it's so pop-y that everyone ignores that).

You're shooting from the hip - now shoot from the heart. Involve yourself more deeply into each line with ample, subtle reminders of what you're proving here. To provide such an obvious statement and beat around the bush with such intensity just comes off as a mismanagement of your lyric.
#4
"The funny things people see
Some see the beauty of hell
When others see the darkness of heaven" is really great, I also love the idea of the reocurring "funny things" of do, see, and think. I like this alot, i can see it being a great song.
#5
i want to change the middle part, to make it more of a chorus.....i had more ideas to make this song longer, just becasue there is so much more to say......ill change it up and see what everyone thinks
On the day that I go up they'll be completely out of forgiveness supplies

Member No.8 of Brand New Anonymous. PM MattDaviesFFAF, the_astronaut or ghettohippygirl to join.
#6
I don't know why but this song speaks to me.
It's complex but simple and understanding at the same time.
Great job.
#7
well thanks...im glad it mean something to someone
On the day that I go up they'll be completely out of forgiveness supplies

Member No.8 of Brand New Anonymous. PM MattDaviesFFAF, the_astronaut or ghettohippygirl to join.