#1
this isn't my first song, but its the first song ive posted here. its a politicalish song, tell me what you think.

verse 1:

government issued combat boots,
and 21 gun salutes
mark the grave of another.
disposable armies,
disposable lives,
just a machine making widows from wives.

chorus:

i see so much clearer when i close my eyes,
cause the face on the screen still can't justify,
why so many people have already died,
and so i unplug this box of lies.

verse 2:

excuses not answers are all i can find,
the truth so clear hidden between these lines.
keep on invading and let the blood pour,
flatlining pulse like the soundtrack of war.

verse 3:

these guns come to life,
to end another,
like the only way up is six feet under.
peace left freedom out in the cold,
after another affair with power.

outroish thingy:

so fed up with the excuses they're giving,
i wonder sometimes, are we really winning?
and then i remember what the big man said...
we will not back down (what a scary thought)


its about the war, and watching the president and other bigshots on tv trying to justify it, while its so blatantly obvious that its wrong. the "box of lies" is a television byt the way.over all, im pretty happy with this, but the first line in the second verse is temporary... its pretty much a filler line until i write a better one.

tell me what you think. thanks.
Last edited by freedumb at Jul 2, 2006,
#2
Oy vey.

The "anti-Iraqi War" lyric has, in the mere matter of a couple of years, made itself a cliche. This lyric has nothing to add to what's been said. So, ignoring thematic qualities...

The rhyme scheme is uninspired - it feels as if you're building the line around the rhyme, whereas the rhyme should be the a product of the content. Yes, this makes the situation a bit more difficult, and you can get away with directing your lines towards certain words (undoubtedly), but don't do it constantly.

New images concerning an old topic is a standard critique. Desensitization dictates that, given the same image repeatedly under a concentrated period of time, the same image will cease to evoke a strong emotional response in relation to the original response. Give me something new, and I will actually feel something concerning your topic. If you're going to detail the horrors of war and death in battle, give me something vivid (though appropriate - there is a solid line between effective and dispicable).

More emotion than just angst. It makes the lyric so one-dimensional... Humans are complex beings, and art certainly should match the artist.

Needs work if it's going to bear the torch of "political" - after all, the louder voices of protest certainly can never reach a silent faction if the voices are all muddled together...
#3
^ i agree ^ though i agree with the song, its all been said before way too many times, i would much rather here a story of a soldier, maybe fictional, but at the same time, it would prolly be a true story. Political writers need a new topic, and i think people should research different things in different countries, new ideas, "Freedumb" i think is from NOFX? Yeah, so youre most likely infuenced from the punk stuff, so it might work there. check out mine, "Global Dimming/Warming"
#4
damn.... i think your crits are better than my song. "freedumb" is from nofx? i didn't no that, although i do like their music.
#5
man, i have written my share of anti-bush and anti-war songs, and i was told the same way, that straight up no one wants to here that stuff anymore, but youre creative,
" these guns come to life,
to end another,
like the only way up is six feet under.
peace left freedom out in the cold,
after another affair with power." is really good. keep writing, i have written over 15 songs in the past couple of months, and i have only kept one or two.