#1
Heydee-ho. Random song. Dont like it much...just tell me what you think and il be happy to crit back. I know plenty of you dont like The Automatic, but thats the sound i was going for with this song.
Franz xxx

Hide behind my instrument as you walk through the door
My heart says run to you, common sense says to ignore [can you feel it?]
A bleeding atmosphere with tention running high
Lust activates temtation, as you just walk on by [you dont want it]

This sensation...do you feel it too?
This barrier between me and you..
I WANT TO BREAK IT!


i-want-to-kiss-you-oh-so-bad
i-want-to-kiss-you-oh-so-bad
i-want-to-kiss-you-oh-so....


Speaking now i say, my face is normally this colour
Ignore the want,the hope,of us loving one another [can you see it?]
I hope that you dont notice how i twitch and shake [we could make it]
This overwhelming need for you is more than i can take

This sensation...do you feel it too?
This barrier between me and you..
I WANT TO BREAK IT!


i-want-to-kiss-you-oh-so-bad
i-want-to-kiss-you-oh-so-bad
i-want-to-kiss-you-oh-so....
Oh so....
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
Last edited by franz.d. at Jul 2, 2006,
#2
The title sums it up. Oh no he didn't!! Yes...he did...


Lol, just kidding, it's cute. Me like.
What Comes Before Part B? Partaaaaay!

Quote by HammettHead
lmao psykopoo ur a bloody genius!
#3
personally....probebly not the best idea to post a whole song u wrote on a website lol
#4
I have not heared of The Automatics but I really liked the lyrics anyways. Written by something you obviously are or were going through. Its things like that which makes writing just come naturally and its a great motivator. I can relate real well with the lyrics and im sure many other people can too guy or girl it doesnt matter which makes it even better.
#5
well it's kinda awkward, the lines dont flow very well in my head as i go through them in any normal rhytmn

but it's clear you've got the feelings to base a good song on, i'd say your style is whats letting you down at the moment..

you might be able to get lines to fit better and create a powerful effect by using some metaphor rather than just telling us, in 8 lines, something that most people have felt themselves at some time, if you make it more personal to yourself it'll be more effective to the people who get what you're saying (and the way you're saying it)

oh and all the saying i want to kiss you implies lust rather than love, so it'll get better dude try not to worry about it :p
#6
Dont confuse my head.
Can i have actual crits please?

And thanks to the first guy.....i think........
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#7
yeah i thought this was good, felt that before, haha, nice way to put it into words, this is actually pretty good, i dont know that band so i dont know, and i think kissing is about love, if you dont like this song, i do.
#8
I like the part with the BOLDY words, of the I want to kiss you oh so bad thingy.
It sounds really simple, but clever.
OH! and I also like the part about my face is normally this color! It sounds really cool.
The whole thing is good but I don't like the sort of repeatingness of it and like it only has two parts that are different and they're barely different.
Good job though. =]
#9
thankyou peeps. Arghh, yeah. Maybe just lust but i was writing down exactly the way i was feeling at the time because i wasnt sure what else to do with the emotions i was feeling =/
I would have used a metaphor and such, but i wasnt sure how else to describe the feelings i was having!
I like that you guys can relate to it, thats kinda what i was going for here.
The chorus {i-want-to-kiss-you-oh-so-bad] was the first line i actually wrote, written because that was ALL that was in my head at the time..
Thanks again people =]
Anymore? haha.
franz xcxx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#10
I'll be back tomorow, I swear

I'm seeing the RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS tonight, and I'm leaving in the next hour or so, so I'll get back to it tomorow
#11
i like this song alot. the repititon is cool, and it flows really nicely. not your best work, but still good. 8/10.
B.C. RICH
#13
Quote by Jammydude44
I'll be back tomorow, I swear

I'm seeing the RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS tonight, and I'm leaving in the next hour or so, so I'll get back to it tomorow

You git, you absolute git!

Anyway! Not too bad, but you know me... I don't particularly respect this as a piece but probably would as a finished song. So, i can't really say any more on the matter. It would make a catchy song which i would probably like, but lyrically i don't really like it, sorry.

Mind a look at mine? In the sing; it's so much easier that way! Thanks.
#14
tHE CHILLIES? YOU BUM HOLE. But il hold you to that... and enjoy the gig =]

Anyways thanks for thee crits so far dudes. Drowning_helena...thankyou again. I like you.
Cazguitardudeeee tis cool i dont mind. You kick my ass anyday.
Im watching Alien. So as soon as thats over il return crits =D k?

franz xxx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#15
It's gone two in the morning, my head hurts, my hearing is not really there, and here I am giving you a crit.....

To be totally, brutally honest, I didn't much like this. I particularly didn't like the bracketed lyrics, they seemed really cheesy and cliche.

Lust activates temtation, as you just walk on by
I think you need to reword this, it kind of lacks in flow and impact.

Speaking now i say, my face is normally this colour
I just don't like this line, it kind of sounds not correct, and doesnt really grab my attention as a verse opener.

However, I do like the little pre-chorus you got there, and the chorus itself would probably be catchy, given The Automatic's style. I do think you could add in a bridge to this to expand it a bit more and bring in new ideas.

7/10. you know you can do better, like you said, but I think you coul dcome back to this and youch it up, create a nicer flow, get rid of those bracketed lines and add a bit more depth to this, and you would have a tidy little song.

Keep up the nice work.

Oh, and, the Chili's were absoloutely amazing. Best two hours or so of my life.
#16
Wowza! Cool, glad you had a good time =D
Yeah personally i think it kinda sucks. But, i just wanted to know what other people think. I might just take any decent bits out of it [which wont be many] and, make another song or summat.
Screw it. It sucks. =D

franz xx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#17
it doesn't suck, what are you talking about? I like it alot, so many people can relate to it and yet it doesn't seem cliche.
B.C. RICH