#1
You tell me I'm wrong to like feeling this way
But sometimes the only proof is pain
That I'm still alive

You tell me I'm sick, in need of aid
But sometimes I'm better off this way
'Cause at least I feel

I don't know
What's inside of me
I guess that's why
I'm compelled to try and see

CHORUS:
Please don't let them take me
Labcoat vampires want to break me
Contaminate my blood
And all the **** they're saying
Will never change my need for pain
To fill my emptiness

You tell me it's for the best that I'm here
But unknown to you, I smell your fear
And I wonder why

You tell me they'll make me well again
But what if I'm caged until the end?
I'll never forgive you

I don't care
What you think of me
'Cause all these scars
Are my roadmap out of here

(CHORUS)

Tick-tock, tick-tock
Body reels again in shock
Tick-tock, tick-tock
Seconds bleeding off the clock
Five, four, three-two-one
It is finished, it is done
Sacrificed the only son!

(CHORUS)


...I hate to have to ask for comments, but I'm trying to expand as a lyricist and as a musician, so any criticisms/compliments/****-you's/etcetera would be appreciated.
Originally posted by Grimster
This couple was doing like this romantic shoot like in there house, and all of a sudden a clown walked in and jizzed on the guys face. That is the true meaning of christmas.


Last edited by retch at Jul 3, 2006,
#2
You need to employ your own devices in this lyric. Otherwise, as it currently stands, it's mired by cliche. There are a couple instances of brief images, which, in my opinion, could provide an easy road towards mending the face-value appearance of this piece.

The voice needs to be your own - which certainly isn't something that I'm feeling in this song. I'm getting a "metal" voice when I should get a human voice. The most successful lyrics, after all, raise up the value of the piece as a work of art - a creation of human willpower and artistic ability. What I'm seeing here is an adherence to the standards of genre.

So, ingenuity in imagery is key - start off writing what makes sense to you, then edit and morph that into something that makes sense to everyone. In that process, you'll attach yourself directly to the piece more consistantly, expressing the human qualities.
To say "To silence the demons in me" is an obvious example of speaking through the mouth of a genre - the concept of a "demon" as either a spiritual or metaphysical entity is so different in the minds of people, that you need to provide your own vision as the guidance for others. In it's usage here, I get a vague, general psychological force, which ultimately is marginalized in its use. With these images, the trick is that we'll figure it out, but we need to know, through subtle assertions, what exactly we're looking at.

Second, give me some really pissed off diction. The diction seems to be playing it safe - again, being comfortable with its place. This piece lends itself to a tongue-thrashing sort of speech...

Finally, check your personal pronouns. There's a "you" or "I" in almost every line, which doesn't allow for too much room to breathe (nor much space for you as a writer to experiment).
#3
^goddamn, I friecken love you man, your giving the most detailed and complete crits I've ever seen to the most run-of-the-mill pieces, you're incredible. You're as detailed and brilliant as Will was, yet you're more expansive than he ever was in his crits. I love you.

Threadstarter: If you've seen some of my crits than you know I like to disect and give detailed explanations of problems and remedies for those problems, however the real problem here is that paraboetheo explained everything that needed to be explained and did so way better than I could, sorry.
#4
Yup.

You don't need anyone else now.

paraboetheo, I think we all "friekin love you"

Good Luck with this rethc, and thanks for the crit on mine.
#5
Yep- as the others have said, paraboetheo has said everything needed to say... Nonetheless I'll still let you know I loved the song, even though it may need some work... I love the title, it caught my eye and my personal favorite part was :

Tick-tock, tick-tock
Body reels again in shock
Tick-tock, tick-tock
Seconds bleeding off the clock
Five, four, three-two-one
It is finished, it is done!

Awesome- plus, with some of the verses, you worded things well! Just fix a couple things and you'll have a very well put together song =p

Please check my songs in my sig and crit if you have the time! Thanks.
#6
Thanks for the crits...they really do help, especially from people who aren't afraid to give my lyrics a good dressing-down. The problem with friends is that they say "yeah, that's cool man" but fail to at least tell me why. It's good that they like it, but just establishing that fact doesn't do anything for me. So, before I ramble any further, thanks again.

EDIT: I've taken some of the advice you gave and redid the chorus sans the soporific cliche, and added a line to the bridge that I forgot when I typed it. For the sake of explanation, this is about my hospitalization after a suicide attempt. The "you/me" addiction is an expression of how trapped I felt when the doctors said that I could be institutionalized indefinitely. I kept looking at my parents, even though they couldn't do anything, just wishing they would get me out of there, away from the "labcoat vampires" who could (if they wanted to) put me on so many sedatives that I'd be lucky to remember my own name. Finally, the doctor recommended I be released. *whew*
Originally posted by Grimster
This couple was doing like this romantic shoot like in there house, and all of a sudden a clown walked in and jizzed on the guys face. That is the true meaning of christmas.


Last edited by retch at Jul 3, 2006,