#1
Whats up peoples, haven't been on in a while but figured I'd post my latest, enjoy and crit for crit, leave a link.

Dawn of Tradgedy(working title)

The cold(dark) whispers
Of the eulogies read
Lives that were saved
To kill you and me

The fire burns slowly
And dwindles with time
Depriving your soul
Of your sane state of mind

Begin with your thoughts
Of anger and doubt
Show me your weakness
As you get ready to shout
Your defense is your downfall
I need not even try
Don't think to give in now
It's too late to cry

End with the pain
You caused for a firend
To suffer to gain
Theres no hope to mend
The fragile page missing
Portraying the picture
Of your suffering figure
Destroying all while confiding in liqour

A little different than my usual style but hey it just comes to me.
"The tragic partake of this torment, convincing myself again. This god that I worship, this demon I blame, conspire as one exactly the same it's exactly the same." Lamb of God
#2
Ok, let's start with what you've got and, then, we'll talk about what you need:

You have a strong sense of apparent images that set a definite mood. It certainly appears that your voice is a what-you-see-is-what-you-get style, which, certainly, lends itself to the metal vibe.

The problem here is that you're bordering on cornering yourself in the genre - the disjointed nature of the verses is the evidence. There's no such thing as a naturally disjointed lyric, after all. Sure, some people write awkwardly, but it all has a certain flow to the thoughts. Here I'm getting half you, half genre. And, of course, the lyric will be much better and much more effective if it's all you.

Start with establishing your founding theme. To establish a theme is different than simply picking a theme - as you edit, have in the foreground of your thoughts this theme, and build around it. The issue with this piece is that it feels too much like a free-write with a sprinkling of heavy metal credibility. You've got some raw images here - polish and shape them to fit your theme.

Next, root out your metal tendencies. While they certainly feel like they're rooted into you, they're slighting your natural voice, which is a shame... Experiment within your own bounds in order to produce imagery. Of all, start with diction. As you edit, make a conscious effort to use the kind of diction that stirs you sans musical influences. You can always ponder the addition of allusions later. (Words like "anger", "doubt", "downfall", "sane", et cetera appear all too often in the generalized context you've applied them to in this lyric - consider the connotations of the words and see if you can't find a more personally influenced way to say the same thing.)

"While confiding in liq[uor]" - use this if you're going to mention it. As it is, it feels like an afterthought, but it's a character flaw (in that character, of course) that's far too important to shuffle into a quick conclusion. I think it shows a part of you deciding to use this action to describe the character, which is good, but, I think, you're thinking it's too concrete in this piece. I have to disagree. Blend the abstract and the real, and you'll find the most impressive expressions of hope, despair, or whatever you're writing about - it's the easiest way to represent the dualism aspect of the human experience.
#3
Honestly dude I want to thank you for that. As you mentioned I am kind of a free writer or whatever you wanna call it. I just write off the top of my head ya know. I think it's cool that you can see that. Also I think it's cool that you can notice that I have a metalish sort of writing and thinking style and I thank you for not trashing that or attacking me with it. The last line, confiding in liquour was bad and I knew it. It's not really what I wantedt to say but sort of came out that way. Honestly I thank you for your help and your tips I think it will help me alot in my writing future. Thanks man I appreciate it.
"The tragic partake of this torment, convincing myself again. This god that I worship, this demon I blame, conspire as one exactly the same it's exactly the same." Lamb of God