#1
Once again, have a stab at guessing what it's about. This one's easier. It's great 'cos people read different things into stuff...kinda interesting really.

I?m ever the poetic malcontent ? a love fool.
My slippery palm grasps a shimmering pen
Digging deep, I?m scratching, burrowing
In the hope that one day I?ll nobly justify my rage.

I?m a songwriter, a carefully trained eye
Capturing the bleak, absurd and ironic things in life.
Epic rhymes rub shoulders with abrasive couplets
That foam at the mouth: drawling angst in all its glory.

I churn out songs of love, lost hope
Sunshine, velvety light cascading from the skies
Morning dew and the nagging thought that
Behind those curtains, he?s f*cking her.

And that?s it: all disguises and euphemisms.
I?d bite my knuckles watching silhouettes entwining
Weaving, falling, poetic metaphors in human form
I?ll write this eloquently, but you know the simple meaning.
"You can never quarantine the past."
Last edited by broken_bottles at Jul 3, 2006,
#2
all i can say is that was amazing. i loved it.
Quote by Stop Messin'
Emo is an image, Hair Metal was a life style.
#4
very well done, im new to the forums and didnt know what to expect from the title of this- i had initiallly thought it would be one of those agnst filled "ill kill him" songs with a poor rhyme scheme and bad imagery- but boy was i wrong! your imagery is effective, i particulary love the line "That foam at the mouth: drawling angst in all its glory.". Id have to say that the imagery is the most powerful thing in this piece. I also like the juxtapositioning in this verse

I churn out songs of love, lost hope
Sunshine, velvety light cascading from the skies
Morning dew and the nagging thought that
Behind those curtains, he?s f*cking her.

how you move the piece from the songs of love and the naturistic imagery - to the main point of the song...good stuff! nothing that needs to be improved

if you have time it would be cool if u culd check out my piece "ephemeral truths"..shuld be onthe first page...thanks man
#5
Cheers, I'll check it out as soon as I have a spare moment.
"You can never quarantine the past."
#7
First, quick note: there's either "I" or "my" once in each line, which really adds an uninspiring repetitive quality (the thought isn't half bad in relation to your theme, but you need to switch up the manner of execution.

Secondly, don't turn to the audience so often. The first line establishes that sort of tone, your reinforcement should be minimal. This should give you additional space to give me a greater sense of boiling anger. A bit of a relative to this comment, then, is the place of the first stanza in comparison to what the rest of the poem should be. The first stanza has this rolling flow, which is immediately crushed by that last line - this works. However, the rest of the piece needs to continue that kind of creatively representative flow. Don't copy it, naturally, but get it moving - again, it would help not to continuously turn to the audience.

Play with your human imagery more. It'd erupt into a sort of connection between your theme and your construction that would add an organic feel that'd really cross that written boundary and really resonate in the audience's mind.
#8
Jesus, Paraboetheo, where'd you come from? Fantastic crit, all points noted of course. I won't revise it, because I write everything off the cuff as a testament to raw emotion. But I will bear your comments in mind when it comes to my next piece. Thanks.

And Drowning_Helena, funnily enough, I've never been cheated on.
"You can never quarantine the past."
#9
First, I agree with paraboetheo about the repetition.
Second, cursing don't agree with me usually in songs and even less so in poetry. If it fits the theme and wording I do not mind it, but you have used such elaborate vocabulary that it sounded crude and unfitting.
What I also found a bit odd, was the use of "songwriter". It just felt as if you think the reader is not intelligent enough to read between the lines and it kind of spoiled the fun of working out my own meaning.

But in all honesty these are such little things, and I agreed a lot with what paraboetheo has commented about the flow, which I think is the point that you should be concentrating on.


Carmel
This is not a pipe
#10
Ta. About the cursing, its there as a contrast: the poet is attempting to poetically articulate, but cannot help but revert to his own bitter feelings.
The repetition and constantly reverting to the audience were all actually done on purpose, I don't believe in wasting words. But I do see both your points, yet I maintain that this piece works better when it is poetically imperfect: it is, after all, from the point of view of a poet who realises no matter how he dresses his sentiments up, he's really just saying a very base, almost crude, thing.

Ta guys. I will look at pieces later.
"You can never quarantine the past."
#11
Excuse the imagery that follows, but I know how it is when you give birth to a piece and with all its flaws you still think this is the only way it can work, and I understand completely.

I see most critiques here as the opportunity to see how others view our work, and not how they would like to change it. All critique that is given to me is remembered and stored for my next piece.

I just wanted to clarify that I don't think you should change anything in any way, but rather that when you sit down to write down your next piece, you will notice these aspects more and therefore will create something even better and be able to develope.


Carmel
This is not a pipe
#12
Absolutely. Totally agree, that's how I view crits. Thanks.
"You can never quarantine the past."
#14
btw, how do u do the thing with your signature so that u dont hav 2 put the link to the song??? i notice urs has just the name an it werks as a link.
Last edited by fox69 at Jul 6, 2006,
#16
Ta very much you two.
The sig thing is done by clicking hyperlink, and before you put the URL you can name your link and that is what's shown.
"You can never quarantine the past."