#1
not finished, as usual. I need a second verse if you have any ideas PLEASE let me know. crit my song and I'll crit yours.

CHORUS

If life were a painting
Your soul would be black
From all of the insults
You cannot take back
From the words you fired
In constant attack,
Your soul would be black
(Your soul would be black)

VERSE 1

Over the wound
Crimson smears
From their eyes fall
Crystal tears
If our world was a painting,
A portrait of years
How could I portray how you
Distorted our fears

CHORUS

VERSE 2(when I come up with one)

CHORUS

END CHORUS

If life were a painting
How would I paint "bleak"
'Cuz that's how we're feeling
All beaten and weak
And so as time runs out
And paint starts to leak
The page may be stained,
But your soul's still black
(Your soul's still black)

let me know what you think, any comments are appreciated
B.C. RICH
#2
It rhymes well, and is quite simple, but still has a deeper kind of thought to it. I really like verse one, it flows, it fits, and it has meaning, which in my opinion makes a great verse. The chorus didn't do much for me, but it still fits, It was just kinda cliche when it came down to it, maybe try not talking about words in the chorus, try talking about features of a person, or somthing visual, since thats what a painting is. This is my opinion though, you don't have to listen to it


I won't have a song of my own on here for a bit, but when it does, you can go ahead and crit it if you want to
#3
I tell you if i come up with any ideas, i love the first verse, well so far id give the song a 9.5/10
#5
Wow, this piece flowed really well. I liked it a lot. I hope you can come up with a worthy second verse. Make sure you keep up with the painting analogy.

Crit mine please

Vermin
#7
If life were a painting
Your soul would be black
From all of the insults
You cannot take back
From the words you fired
In constant attack,
Your soul would be black
(Your soul would be black)
A bit chliche, but it does flow well and the meaning comes through very nicely.

Over the wound
Crimson smears
From their eyes fall
Crystal tears
If our world was a painting,
A portrait of years
How could I portray how you
Distorted our fears
I like how you kept it based on the same idea, but I did miss some flow here and the repetition of "how" didn't work for me. Also I thought the final line was a bit weak to end on.

If life were a painting
How would I paint "bleak"
'Cuz that's how we're feeling
All beaten and weak
And so as time runs out
And paint starts to leak
The page may be stained,
But your soul's still black
(Your soul's still black)
I quite liked the flow in this part. Again, the repetition of the theme was solid.

This is not a finished piece, and I think where you have difficulty is in the fact you remain in the same realm of imagery. It is very good attributed in short songs or poetry, but if you wish to extend it, you should go outside of the frame and look into spicing it a little.

Carmel
This is not a pipe
#8
Exellent song I like it alot may I suggest that you change the last chorus to:

If life were a painting
My soul would be black
From all of the insults
You cannot take back
From the words you fired
In constant attack,
My soul would be black
(My soul would be black)
#10
I really like it, it flows nice, its got a deep, dark meaningful vibe to it. Keep it up.
I'd give it an 8.75/10
ICE
CREAM
IS
GONNA
SAVE
THE
DAY
...AGAIN
#11
very nice, flows well, not too complicated or anally retentive, but with just enough depth to stop it being boring. nice work. 8/10
songs: Left Behind choices
Quote by MadClownDisease
Well I can top you all, I've done my mum, my step brother AND a cat. As well as quite a few corpses.
#12
Quote by b.c.rich rules

CHORUS

If life were a painting
Your soul would be black
From all of the insults
You cannot take back
From the words you fired
In constant attack,
Your soul would be black
(Your soul would be black)

this is fine but i don't like how you repeat Your soul would be black i think you should re word the second one and leave off the one in the ( )

VERSE 1

Over the wound
Crimson smears
From their eyes fall
Crystal tears
If our world was a painting,
A portrait of years
How could I portray how you
Distorted our fears

the rhyming hear seems to forced and its pretty cliche


CHORUS

VERSE 2(when I come up with one)

CHORUS

END CHORUS

If life were a painting
How would I paint "bleak"
'Cuz that's how we're feeling
All beaten and weak
And so as time runs out
And paint starts to leak
The page may be stained,
But your soul's still black
(Your soul's still black)

i think at the end if you added one more line it could make it stronger




here is my if you want to check out

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=389639
#13
Here's a tip: **** B.C. Rich. They might look nice and all, but they are very low quality.
#14
I like the regular rythm. It's a little simple for my liking, maybe due to the rhymes, but it's not bad as a whole. I think it would work well in a band like Atreyu, sorry if you hate them!
#15
thanks for the crits. I'll work on the lines at the end of the choruses. also I don't hate Atreyu, though their singer isn't the greatest. and oioi77oioi, I'd appreciate it if you critted my song instead of my choice of guitar.
B.C. RICH
#17
i like it except with the chorus i would cut out the lines From *all of the insults
You cannot take back* but other than that get a second verse and its a pretty good try
#18
That's awesome, really dep... I like your style and what you have to say there... let me know when you get a second verse.
"Being sober on a bus is completly different that bein' drunk on a bus"- Ozzy

My lyrics