#1
Incomplete ska song (bridge yet to be wirtten) and it's a dark spanish chord progression. Not totally happy with it, I need to rearrange some stuff but I wanna see where it's out so far...

(Verse)
Wake up, boy, there's a fire outside
If you come now, you'll see the men die
From the blood stained window, you'll see us fight

For the only thing that matters in this world
The one thing that makes us less deplorable
Like the bodies on the field, they burn from our torch

(Pre Chorus)
So can we become what our fathers once were
The lead spewing fighters, it's why we were born
The sweat and the tears, they will come and they'll go
And the blood on your face, when you see, you will know

(Chorus)
We will ride tonight to fight the righteous fight
We'll see who prevails, the dark or the light

We'll take our lives and put them on the line
While our mothers and our lovers all cry
They say we can't and we won't do this to them
But hold your breath son, we'll do what we can
We're just pawns in a huge game of chess
We'll go out and fight, we'll fall like the rest

(Slow bridge)
The blue or the gray, it's all the same
The red or the green, we're gonna die anyway
So think back to when we were kids
The innoncence, it will never live

(Verse II)
Fate it's strange, it stands in your way
But the soldiers, they know just what to say
If you've got the heart, then you'll know what to do with it

And as we march down to the enemy
I hope you pass by a distant memory
With you and me, back when we were happy


-That's all I've got right now. It was a quick write so it's far from perfect, but I wanna see if I should rewrite everything or salvage some parts. thanks...

EDIT: crit for crit, but i'd like a good review of it, plz
EDIT II: Okay so I added some stuff and changed a few things. The italic text is what's new. Still do crit for crit. Thanks for any opinons, I wanna play this song live real bad and I wanna make sure it's perfect. And I added what I think the order the song will go in will be.
Last edited by Green Clash at Jul 8, 2006,
#2
You create a lot of good imagery with your writing but some of the stuff seems a bit overdone for me. The chorus is catchy and sounds good and I would love to hear this in a ska arrangement like you said. I tried to picture Reel Big Fish singing something like this and I couldn't so it'd be interesting to see what you do with it. Overall I would really focus on toning some of the early stuff down a bit and work on making it an easier read, the song will most likely flow better that way too. Keep up the good work, I liked it.

w
this is the last true burning letter, given to a girl
...writtenbyaboy
#3
i agree. very good imagery. i get an almost civil war feel from it but thats just me. i dont really think u should tone the stuff down, id say give it another verse an go with it.
#4
civil war! that's what it was originaly gonna be about but it ended being just a general look at war, maybe the next verse will explain the ending to the movie Glory. if you havent seen it, do yourself a favor and do so. thanks for the comments, anymore?
#5
I like those lyrics, its like you pulled them from pieces of other songs. Good job.
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#6
Mind you - first line of the chorus is quite a mouthful.

Aside from that, very nice, I like the imagery.
Grant me the power to change what I can.
Grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change.
Grant me the wisdom to tell the difference.

"I had a hat once.
It was a very fine hat..."
#7
I really dig it man. I wasn't a fan of what was in Italics, but I loved the first verse and the chorus the most. It really doesn't need much change, I like the setting and the mood. Just hope the music is just as good .

And if you wouldn't mind, crit Pride So Tall

You can search it up in the forums. But you don't have to since you already critted my poem. Thanks for that
Run!
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Simply, the world was too small for a man of his ambition.
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GuitarSymphony you are my hero!
#8
hey its a little bit over dramatic for us but other wise its pretty cool. peace, The WOODnotes
#9
civil war! that's what it was originaly gonna be about but it ended being just a general look at war, maybe the next verse will explain the ending to the movie Glory. if you havent seen it, do yourself a favor and do so. thanks for the comments, anymore?


really?!?!? thats a good call. i've seen that movie 2, broderick, freeman, washington, actually pretty good. i didnt like the end o that movie tho, they all just kinda died, and it seemed almost like a waste, all those dudes just runin into a wall of bullets.
#10
yeah, they were ordered to do it to help the others that didn't need to do it, so basically it was a march to their deaths because they never had much respect for them, as they were the all black regiment. But in the end, they chose to do it, and they gained the respect of the white soldiers. And they got very far, until they brought the canon. The fort wasn't even captured which is said, they pretty much died in vain, though the Blue ultimately won, thank god. I didn't make it too obvious that I was talking about that, the march and the mentioning of the blue and gray I think were enough. Thanks for all the comments, anymore would be welcome, and I'll get to that poem, GuitarSymphony.
#11

The blue or the gray, it's all the same
The red or the green, we're gonna die anyway
So think back to when we were kids
The innoncence, it will never live

I like that bit the best, good overall though, interesting use of imagery. Crit for crit? Can you please crit my "Love is only skin deep"? Thanks. Its on page 3 of the forums atm..... lol.
#12
Really liked the first stanza of the first verse. It's sweet as. The bridge was really catchy with the ideas of the different colors. the chorus really does bring the whole song together though, and I love the middle of it "we'll take our lives...(right through to)...we'll do what we can". I thought that bit was really good.


(Verse II)
Fate it's strange, it stands in your way
But the soldiers, they know just what to say
If you've got the heart, then you'll know what to do with it

And as we march down to the enemy
I hope you pass by a distant memory
With you and me, back when we were happy


I'm not really sure what your trying to do with the second verse though. It seems alot mroe toned down than the first. More about ideals rather than imagary (sp). But it does add to the song, and still rolls off the tongue really well.