#1
MAKE YOUR ESCAPE

Echoes running through my head
Pressure in my veins
Ready to make my move
Ready for anything
I try to make my escape
To leave this Hellbound place behind
But everything collapses right in front of me

This is everything I've fought for
This is all I need
This is my only way out but
Why can't I get away?

Cigarette in my mouth
Alcohol in my blood
Ready to make some sort of move
Ready for anything
I try to make my escape
To leave this death bound place behind
But everything collapses right on top of me

This is everything I've fought for
This is all I need
This is my only way out but
Why can't I get away?

Go ahead, make your escape, see if I care

(Guitar Solo)

Let me out
There's no use of holding me back
I'll never forget this

This is everything I've fought for
This is all I need
This is my only way out but
Why can't I get away?
Quote by Keef-is-king
Seinfeld: The Video Game

It'd be a game about nothing. But it would be fantastic, better than the Sims by far because there would be more jews.
#2
Feels like St. Anger...

Express yourself through a more definitive tone. Right now, there's plenty of one character aspect: you've fulfilled the question of "what does this character want", but you've neglected to open the scene too much further than this. The issues you'll run into from here are quite simple: there's an acknowledgement of one possibility in the future and there's an acknowledgement of a situation in the present, and, to fulfill point-of-view aspect, there's some abstracted view of a human being. Flesh out your character. Evocative imagery would certainly help, as you'd get a clearly picture of the character's perspective and of the author's perspective (considering that choice of images and diction always reveals something about the writer).

While it seems it would be easier to cut much of the repetition, you could also play with it - open up your vision of this piece (the whole picture, not just the slice of one, dominant theme) through the repetition if it is a sensible vehicle.

Honestly, I'm getting a lot of the Metallica-isms (especially from Black era onwards); repetition, the cigarettes and alcohol image to describe the character (which says, in all reality, little to nothing about the actual persona), and the escapist theme in the imperative tense (for some reason, plain old indicative has taken a back-seat these days in James's lyrics) are all present. All I can say is that you've got to peel back influences until you get to the editing process... rough drafts ought to be your primary thoughts, and, therefore, written in your primary style (unless, of course, you're experimenting).
#3
I've only actually heard Saint Anger once, and I hated it >_>.

But I see what you're saying, even though I've never used Metallica as an inspiration. I guess I just happen to write like James Hetfield XD.

Thanks.
Quote by Keef-is-king
Seinfeld: The Video Game

It'd be a game about nothing. But it would be fantastic, better than the Sims by far because there would be more jews.
#4
I like the idea...and you have some clever lines...but it lacks a real tone...its hard to tell if your mad..or your pleading...or your fed up...use more imagery...and try to take a stance with attitude...

other than that...im curious to see what it sounds like once its finished with music and all the good stuff...good work
crit my rhymes?:

Lets Get Drunk and Fuck.

Subtle Arrogance

Do you realize, that i can clearly see your clitoris through your jeans?

Quote by Shaepwnsyou
They're very religious, so they have butt sex to save their virginity.
#5
It´s not very deep, but it doesn´t matter. It´s simple and well written.

The beginning is better than the end.
Some live, some die. And the rest of us just keep fighting eachother.
#7
Yeah, it's metal. Thanks for the crits guys.
Quote by Keef-is-king
Seinfeld: The Video Game

It'd be a game about nothing. But it would be fantastic, better than the Sims by far because there would be more jews.
#10
i like first two lines, they have a great flow but then i really get lost in the rythm.But i think it all depends on music, right?
good job