#1
Make This Permanent
Watch that flare light up the sky
I'm only here dreaming, and I know why

Visions of lipstick red lights
Reminders of saccharine scented nights

Concentrate hard, harder then before
Sketch the memories of days we wanted more
Crafting sights of days before this endless shore

Remember every third
Of July? Blankets, curled?

Watching lights turn to reds and blues
Making sure not to lose
The memories of all those hues

Watch that flare light up the sky
I'm here dreaming, I've got no clue why

Visions of flavored ice on the curbs
That old childhood in the burbs

Flares lighting up the sky for ooh's and aah's
While I'm stuck counting the memories lost


Let me know what you think, crit for crit, it's been a while since I've been writing and tonight felt like a good 10 minutes to get back into it. Bear with me, it's my first in over 4 months. Thanks.

w

edit: I need some suggestions for the italicized portion in the fourth section, thanks!
this is the last true burning letter, given to a girl
...writtenbyaboy
Last edited by writtenbyaboy at Jul 5, 2006,
#2
while some of the rhymes seem a little cliche, it's still rather good. the fourth paragraph (dunno what to call it) was okay, but could've been better. but other than that, i kind of like it. with good music, it could be real good, i think it could be ruined by bad music though 9as usually everything does. not to seem like an ass but... my thing hasn't gotten any yet...
#3
any other help? I was thinking of an acoustic guitar primarily for this song. Suggestions?

w
this is the last true burning letter, given to a girl
...writtenbyaboy