#1
This is my newest... better and more personal than my latest works. enjoy...



A ceramic entity,
Passive and placid
Restrained by a cord,
An umbillical embargo
Clarify the beaten path,
And open up your ample eyes

Another cracked halo,
Splitting at the seams
One last resonant tear,
Tranquility ensues


So... still...

A stagnate being,
Life-less and inert
Cut off from vitality,
A severed umbillicus,
A bitter pill taken
A summer years ago

So still

Last edited by DanteR* at Jul 4, 2006,
#3
I really didnt like this one man. Your punctuation doesnt really make sense you can just put commas after every line. It seems like the whole thing is just setting a setting and its rather bland and boring with no real emotion at all. Well change that, its not all setting. But it just seems so bland. Theirs no emotion. Hmm i cant describe it. Im thinking that you decided to build a piece around the whole metaphysical unity idea. Dylan, i just dont feel anything from it. And thats my only problem, though for me, its a big one. Um i used to write like this and then someone told me, who dont you try a simple piece. So i did, and it seems my simple ones are better now. Anyways what im saying is. Why dont you try a new style. Id be interested to see

-Mike
#4
There's no flow to it. . . It's just seperated by commas every two words, and just seems to be prolix rambling. Albeit, it's very nice rambling, but. . .