#1
For the philosophy part of the vet vs noobs comp. This is prettyin interesting for me, it started off as a rant against that dumb bitch and how she cheated on me, but, it turned into a rant about fake existentialists. I'm happy with it, also, one of the few times I use bugs as a metaphor.....


Liz Rocks.


You will not win.

Enjoy

An Ant Mimics A Spider, And Asks For A Lighter.

The last empty strepsiptera flew away and
has opened it's eyes to the sweet stys
of the last bell breaking, breaking, breaking
and entering through three locked doors;
the past, the present, and the future - doesn't
exist without the help of the torrid march of
locusts. The bleat of synthetic voices
Leans it's shoulders on an ardent hallway,
"You're trapped! you're trapped" shouted
the hanging goat. Screaming, the laughing goat
Choked on the compound eyes of a dragonfly.

I'll call you microsaccades because we could never
Lock our eyes together like two bulls lock their horns.
This burnt beta line twisted together on this atomic
sunshine to create the perfect clone to nihilism.
She exits the building on her knees, gravel caught between
The cuts on her femur bone, yelling "I found the answer to life,
I found the final answer, and that is the question."
Like a moulting toybox, she ripped her chest open to reveal
A little, colorful, clown that only giggled at us all.

Here's some really bad news though for everyone;
My tongue only breaks for boycotts and these windows
Only open to war machines.
So there's your fucking philosophy.
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Last edited by Something_Vague at Jul 4, 2006,
#2
pink makes my d*ick all soft. now i wont be able to touch myself for a week. thanks alot
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#3
There you go, a little bit more estrogen or the color pink and you might have turned gay!

God forbid!!!
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#4
good job, kind of reminds me of a certain band i like to listen to from time to time but not so much as to seem derivitive. 9/10.
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You're a bald gopher with wings that lives in the countryside, working on a farm.


Quote by Bubban
Having sex in a pool full of jello? How strangely erotic. No, not just any sex, butts-*gets shot*

God bless the underdog and God bless the antihero.
#5
It's been a long time since I read some really good imagery. And here it is in your piece, Matt.
I think you have used the most wonderful attributes to each - character, I shall call it - and portrayed a scene that played in my mind so gracefully. Hehe.

I thought you were a bit hard on the flow, but to be perfectly honest I never thought your greatest strength laid there anyway.

Loved the ending and your ideas. Strongest points.

This was fun.


Carmel
This is not a pipe
#8
]

An Ant Mimics A Spider, And Asks For A Lighter.

The last empty strepsiptera flew away and
has opened it's eyes to the sweet stys
of the last bell breaking, breaking, breaking
and entering through three locked doors;
the past, the present, and the future - doesn't
exist without the help of the torrid march of
locusts. The bleat of synthetic voices
Leans it's shoulders on an ardent hallway,
"You're trapped! you're trapped" shouted
the hanging goat. Screaming, the laughing goat
Choked on the compound eyes of a dragonfly.
I liked your technological references contrasting with nature. I found the end to be melodramatic, but I think that's what you were aiming for. The compound eyes of a dragonfly bit flowed perfectly.

I'll call you microsaccades because we could never
Lock our eyes together like two bulls lock their horns.
This burnt beta line twisted together on this atomic
sunshine to create the perfect clone to nihilism.
She exits the building on her knees, gravel caught between
The cuts on her femur bone, yelling "I found the answer to life,
I found the final answer, and that is the question."
Like a moulting toybox, she ripped her chest open to reveal
A little, colorful, clown that only giggled at us all.
Didn't care much for the scientifics, but they contrasted well with the philosophy. The bulls locking horns has a cool simile.I didn't like the last line, but that's just my taste, it's still a good line
Here's some really bad news though for everyone;
My tongue only breaks for boycotts and these windows
Only open to war machines.
So there's your fucking philosophy.
This was perfect, it totally made the piece go up. I LOVE this stanza.
#9
Hmm... There seems to be a clear-cut division that's throwing me off.

Your first stanza sets up a sort of life-death, space-time feel and buries my thoughts into the phrase "'You're trapped!'" (which, mind you, is followed by "hanging", "screaming", and "laughing" all in the same line - I know that the English language is bad about different participles, but it seems more beneficial to turn to a more conventionally formed adjective in the stead of one of those -ings, sans "screaming", of course). So, now I'm expecting something here, especially given the topic. I was expecting to see either a message concerning tone or nihilism following (which, nihilism appeared, but, in my opinion, was a side-note, when it should have been a fully-featured commentary), yet the next stanza moves on, leaving me confused for a few lines.

The first two lines of the second stanza, while delivering a nice simile, don't seem to do much for the greater good of the poem. If one were to keep them as is, breaking those lines off the stanza would have actually made more sense, because they don't seem to play into the next part.

Ok, here's where the flow dies ("This burnt... nihilism"). There's almost an adjective attached to every noun. Now, while descriptive and providing some wonderful imagery, it's about as clunky as it could be (thankfully, there are no adverbs). And, then, my thematic beef: to throw nihilism in there, yet leave it predominately by itself. What follows seems to, indeed, lend itself to existentialism, not nihilism, which, from your first stanza, is actually what I had expected to see more completely developed.

There's some nice imagery that follows (though "femur bone" seems a little bizzare), leading to your actual theme. This is, probably, the biggest issue with this piece. Concerning philosophy, it's taken a long time to get to that moment which the author has pointed to specifically, because there's so many possible points at which there seemed to be a pool of potential discussion.

Nevertheless, I enjoyed the clown image...

Last stanza... well... the way it's worded makes it feel like the afterthought it is, ultimately making me think you just wanted to say "so there" at the end. It seems to make the statement that you don't really care about philosophy, even though you've just spent an entire poem talking about it, which is rather in the style of a Mark Twain. And nobody wants to be like Mark Twain... Ultimately, the stanza distances you from the poem itself. If that's a stylistic touch, meh; if not, well, it does, indeed, undo some of the cohesion of the piece, so far as voice is concerned. That last line just felt too "ta-da!". I almost expected the sparklers on the wall to go off, the unicyclist to appear, and a man pulling bunnies out of a hat to burst through the paper wall backdrop... But, hey - I might just be expecting that, because it'd make my day...
#10
You're amazing sir.

It's supposed to be a nihilistic girl, transforming to an existentialistic girl because of hope of love, and yet still doesn't get it.

I tried, I don't think it worked out too well.
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#11
Ah ha - ok. I certainly agree to say that this draft hasn't captured that. But (!), you're working with the perfect conversion metaphor. Bugs, for once, are absolutely wonderful for this...

What's missing is a persistent nihilist overtone. Run nihilism like a spine, not a tumor, through the piece. I suppose the best example of this working out so well is "Crime and Punishment" - Raskolnikov is your girl, basically (with the modification that Raskolnikov actually understood the ubermensch theories to a much more specific degree than this character ever well should). Your change, then, needs to be magnified - use that transformation to its fullest... I would say: shift in tone, not in theme.

And, of course, the rest is simply coming off that euphoric cloud and back to the confused reality.

I commend you on tackling this scene - it's quite interesting to match your vision with the piece, because your themes (in your mind) are solid, your plot is there, and you've got the skill to make it work.
#13
Thank you both.

You're an amazing critique[er] Paraboetheo. Some of the best advice I've got in awhile.
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