#1
Sorry about the song I posted earlier I wrote it in 5 minutes and typed it as fast as I could end result was a terrible song with numerous typos that didn't really make much sence. The song is somewhat improved but still very much a work in progress.


It's like a formula
I make it every day
But can't get it right
It dosen't have any effect
or gets me in a fight

A distant memory of success
of a formula long ago infused
or did I dream that too
I can't remember what was used
to get that reaction

No matter what I try
stability lies out of reach
the copies of myself
are becoming more diluted why

The source of my fading hope
the source of my growing despair
settling has always been in my mind
I'll just uncover one more layer

Is it too late to stop
and pretend this is me
is it even worth the wait
or am I too tired to see
Last edited by Lord Hibernus at Jul 5, 2006,
#3
Quote by Lord Hibernus
This is my second song. Any and all comments or crits will be welcome.

First off, it's been three hours since you posted this, on an American holiday, in the middle of the day. You need to lower your expectations.

It's like a formula
I can't get it right
It doesn't have effect
or gets me in a fight

This makes no sense. First let me bold the basic grammar corrections I make. There are other ones too, like, the "or" in this spot makes no sense. If it has no effect, how does it get you in a fight? "Gets" doesn't seem to make sense here either, grammatically, there should be something before "effect" like "any" or "effect" should be plural. In addition to this, there's nothing particularly effective (yay! semi-pun) here that makes me want to read on.

A formula long ago infused
or did I dream that too
I can't remember what used
to get the reaction I want

Again, this makes little sense grammatically. There is something missing before "used" and there is some tense disagreement between "infused"/"used" and "want." Also, what did the formula infuse long ago? Or did you mean, you made the formula long ago, in which case infused is the wrong word here.

No matter what I try
stability lies out of reach
It's useless to collapse and cry
I must keep going why

"I must keep going why" is completely contrived and grammatically offered. The rhyme scheme you have employed throughout is limiting you to what you can say, and your song isn't making much sense due to it.

The source of my fading hope
the source of my growing despair
settling has always been in my mind
I'll just uncover one more layer

Is it too late to stop
and pretend this is me
is it even worth the wait
or am I too tired to see


Okay I'm just going to stop there because the last two verses are in the same vain as the rest. I think you've definitely got potential, but you need to both work on your grammar and patience before it can blossom. People will be more inclined to respond to your threads if you leave more in depth comments as well. Good luck in the future, your writing will improve exponentially with time.