#1
here's my first song im posting
it's not done, im really looking for some feedback thanks

it's emo i know...

(((edited after post #4)))
im still looking for answers
for whatever the hell i did wrong
i seriously dont know what happened
and i swear, our love was so strong
you played me for a sucker
like they do on brand new
and i still cant believe you
i let all my friends know who you were
when they asked, i said yeah that's her
i dont even know how your doing
are you even alive
to me your dead
im finally using my head
and getting over you
your like the lottery, a waste of time
you had my heart
i loved you from the start
but that doesn't matter anymore
mabye i blew my shot
i though you were all but no your not
im graduating another grade of getting over you
it's getting easier week by week
but i'd still take you back in a heartbeat
Last edited by pacoasterrider at Jul 4, 2006,
#2
hello, am ludovic from mauritius. your lirics sound good. but when u analised it it seems thats u dont really know wat u want. at first it seens that u still in love but at the body of the song theres something like u hate that babe and at the end it sounds as if u wanna hate here but u can`t......... for me the song sound soooooo goood but at first u should really know wht u want and am sure that would sound better... aint it???????
ludovic
#3
Yeah it's emo, and it's clear what you're getting at. Insofar as it is emo, it works. But the cynic in me says, 'it's been done' - and it has, many times - yet I will maintain that if this is the best way for you to express an emotion, go for it. If you are, however, writing for the sheer hell of it, then maybe you should experiment a little more. Here's a crit.

im still looking for answers
of whatever the hell i did wrong

'Of' is the wrong word to use: it's 'for'

i seriously dont know what happened
and i swear, our love was so strong

You get away with these two lines due to downright honesty.

you played me for a sucker
like they do on brand new
i still cant believe you

Bit stuttering in the threefold rhyme - it's a bit trite and a lot more could be put into this part

i let all my friends know who you were
when they asked, i said yeah that's her

I like this, it's a bit teeny but it works

and now it just all makes me hurl
you hair is still in curls

'Your hair is still in curls' has nothing to do with the line preceeding it. Change it.

i dont even know how your doing
are you even alive
to me your dead
im finally using my head
and getting over you

A bit trite in places.

your like the lottery, a waste of time
you had my heart
i loved you from the start
but that doesn't matter anymore
mabye i blew my shot
i though you were all but no your not
im graduating another grade of getting over you
it's getting easier week by week
but i'd still take you back in a heartbeat

I like the last line, I think you could more eloquently sum up the pain to make the final statement more believable.

Incredibly hurried crit, I know. Mine are about, you know what to do.
"You can never quarantine the past."
#4
thanks for the feedback guys
i dropped the lines "and now it just all makes me hurl you hair is still in curls" from what people have told me and i was unsure about the line itself.

i also added
"you played me for a sucker
like they do on brand new
and i still cant believe you"


The song is kinda unsure, because i wrote it about an unsure situation that has happened to me before. It's hard to explain it's kinda like "im upset and angry at you i wish i never knew you, but i still love you deep inside" if that makes any sence


thanks a bunch tho guys, im pretty new at this, it's my 3rd song
alot of the tips are helping me and i'll remember then for future writings
#5
Yeah, I totally got your meaning. It's a universal feeling.
"You can never quarantine the past."