#1
I know that is late but would you let me kiss you
I am getting tried
And I promised to stay up with you
Something needs to keep me distracted
So can it be you

Just keep talking
Ask me a question
Any thing you can think of
Meaningful or not
Keep me thinking

Run your hand down my back
Run it through my hair
I don?t care what you do
But keep me awake

Bite my bottom lip
Surprise me
Make it hurt
Just a few more hours
Is all we need

So now let?s hit the street
Blankets and each other in arm
We will make a dark trip
Down the stairs and across the bridge
We will lay these blankets on the beach
And watch the sunrise from the east
And on the way back this land we passed
Will be new with light

We can crawl in your bed now
After the sun as come up
And my was promise was kept
So I will kiss you and say good night
I?ll wrap my arm around your waist
And now we can sleep
Last edited by frd_marshll at Jul 5, 2006,
#2
Waste or waist? (Waste certainly isn't very endearing...)

The problem with this piece is that 1) there's a lack of real character development, 2) there's a vaguely represented theme, and 3) the images are uninspiring.

Your solutions, however, are numerous.

1) Don't worry about "keep me awake" - the lyric didn't really pick until the second to last verse. The rest of the verses seem to eat up plenty of lines saying, essentially, the same thing continuously, adding some new, quickly marginalized idea in each verse. Instead of using sleep as a hindrance, use it to your advantage. There's so much sleep imagery that could have been used in the stead of these little proposed actions, which ultimately only serve to prop up the major action (which, ultimately, should be so interconnected with the plot and theme, that you don't need to consciously worry about supporting it - it, in a way, should be self-evident in the piece). Play with the promise idea more. Switch it up.

2) Because you've spent so much time on the major action, you've slighted the development of your theme (the romantic bringing boasts into reality; love over human nature, essentially). Spend more time on the development of the characters and images, less on the major action, which in turn...

3) Should cause a domino effect. Brush up the images - give me reality in that you're making a promise that defies the human nature of sleep a reality, and, yet, because you're defying nature, give me that romantic spice, too. Zesty pictures! Try something new - you can always edit it if it doesn't work later.
#4
that's pretty.....but the resolution came a little to easily....make the characters fight for it!

:-D
#7
ok just one question

WHO THEY HELL ARE YOU PARABOETHEO ( or whatever his name is)

that guy knows his stuff

anyways your first line is messed up btw it all seemed rather bland to me, and i would repeat everyhting ^ that guy said. But you can just take his advice.
#9
I was going to fullcrit this for you...but Im just going to agree with paraboetheo....because he basically said everything I would have, and somethings even better.

So, Ill owe you one.
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