#1
Okay, I've written the first verse and the pre-chorus of my as-yet-untitled song. It's going well, but I can't seem to write the chorus. Could you tell me how I'm doing with what I've written?

Shall I ever find love, or will love ever find me?
It?s always in arm?s reach, but it escapes me
These feelings build up in me, locked in their cage
But one day, they?ll escape in pure, primal rage

Do you know how painful it is
To be rejected and have no success?
Do you know how much it burns?
Ah, but I digress
#2
it's definelty going somewhere, needs to be cleaned up a little though.

Shall I ever find love, or will love ever find me?
It?s always in arm?s reach, but it escapes me
These feelings build up in me, locked in their cage
But one day, they?ll escape in pure, primal rage


Me, me, me, stop thinking about yourself! hah, but really, less "me"'s. also, you can't rhyme me and me, try to find another word, possibly a metaphor, or be cool like I've done in a song (in a joke song i've written that my band plays My Pet Rock Died) and use the word "thee". definetly take one out but try taking the second and third one out, as the second must be taking out and the third should be easy to replace. maybe use "inside"? i like the cage metaphor.

Do you know how painful it is
To be rejected and have no success?
Do you know how much it burns?
Ah, but I digress


You sound like my wrld cultures teacher when you say "i digress", but anyway I think you should take out the "ah". it may work with a certain style of music but i don't know what your shooting for here, so. other than that, it's a good build up for a powerful chorus (work one the chorus hard, it could be the thing that makes the song).

other than that, i like where you're going with this. definetly work on it some more, i wanna read the rest. it's rather respectable (though it could be poked fun at by a deuche) and people can relate to it. keep working... *cough*my songs up*cough*
Last edited by Green Clash at Jul 5, 2006,
#3
I like it but it seems to me that it needs more rhyming. =]
Yeah....and I have no clue what digress means....soo.....good job! =]
#4
Quote by xOHRMx
I like it but it seems to me that it needs more rhyming. =]
Yeah....and I have no clue what digress means....soo.....good job! =]


Digress means to change the subject. Basically, instead of me whining, I bark the chorus out in a traditional thrash vocal. I stop talking about how much it hurts to concentrate on my rage.
#5
Quote by Holy Katana
Okay, I've written the first verse and the pre-chorus of my as-yet-untitled song. It's going well, but I can't seem to write the chorus. Could you tell me how I'm doing with what I've written?

Shall I ever find love, or will love ever find me?
It?s always in arm?s reach, but it escapes me
These feelings build up in me, locked in their cage
But one day, they?ll escape in pure, primal rage

Do you know how painful it is
To be rejected and have no success?
Do you know how much it burns?
Ah, but I digress


How about something more along the lines of:

Will I find love, or will love find me?
Within my arm's reach, always escaping me
These feeling build, locked in their cage
They will escape in pure primal rage

How painful it is
Rejected, no success
Oh! The way it burns!
Oh! I digressssss!


Meh, I dunno. Probably not an improvement, but, y'know, try it or think about it.
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