#1
No not an emo song, I'm new to songwriting, so go easy on me, this song is about my struggles with anxiety and its effect on my social life (girls....) anyways the music that goes with it is acoustic rock, when i sing it, its kinda like alice in chains, it was just fitting that way, any tips would be helpful.

Verse

There In My Mind, I cannot speak
Forbidden Words, So obscene

Unforgiving Feeling, Plagued Memory
I raise my hands, and begin to plead

Chorus

Please God, Save Me
Mind over matter, another conscious mystery
Please God, Save Me
Hes taking over theres surely nothing left to be

....of me
....whats left of me


Verse 2

on the road....to return
i'm pulling over....
to go on would be a sin
alright cruel world, you ****ing win.
Last edited by megadave_49 at Jul 5, 2006,
#2
Nice job.
Sorry if I don't have tips I don't know much about songwriting.
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#3
Not bad. I can see where you want to go with this. I would like to see more.
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#6
since you are a new writer - i guess its not bad- but the criticism so far has just been commenting that its a good attempt at a first piece- but hasnt really given you anything constructive to work with and improve your writing with...my first pieces sucked like anything and it was those ppls crits (which i had initially though were mean) that helped me improve and grow as a writer- so dont take this the wrong way

your idea is vaguely developed in a very simple sort of a way- it would work i guess if it fit in perfectly with some music- but im gonna crit them as lyrics on their own... i dont want to mess with your style and the way you write, but in my opinion i find pieces a lot better when they use words to express completley what they are trying to convey- your point is pretty straightforward, and it can be derrived from the piece, but- try to expand on how it is you portray that point- i just find that the 3 and 2 word phrases leave me wanting to hear more. it seems kidna like you are takling to me thru a really fuzzy radio or sometthing and im only hearing fragments of sentences. My main point here is work with the development and depth of the piece - its a tad bland right now, but acoustic rock is a genre that you can fit some cool lyrics into as it is very versatile- i think with some you could change these decent lyrics into something really good- not bad at all tho for one of your first pieces...so my advice, stick with it, develop it more- thats what getting these crits are all about- your style write now is veyr direct, and if its meant to be that way, thats great, but its a little to direct for my taste

anyway hope this helped, its just my two cents!

if you have any time it wuld be cool if you could check out my piece, ephemeral truths and leave a crit
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=388308
#7
thank you for the critisism and yes it is very very straightforward, its just i had the guitar already written, and so i was using that as the framework(obviously) so its hard to change the structure, but this has opened me up to consider reworking my vocal lines, for a more interesting structure, appreciate and will check yours out
#8
i dont like the 2 liner thing , imo its really lackin alot of explanation

try to go from
There In My Mind
I cannot speak
Forbidden Words
So obscene


to there in my mind, where lie
i cannot speak- cannot lie
forbidden words on the tip of my tongue
so obscene, whats it mean

idk- soemthing like that- the 2 worder thing just doesnt cut it imo


but really good job7/10


please crit this for me- A long time ago
#9
thats just the way i wrote it, it should be written more like this

There In My Mind, I cannot speak
Forbidden Words, So obscene

Unforgiving Feeling, Plagued Memory
I raise my hands, and begin to plead