#1
It's a little experiment in "modern" poetry/prose from an old sketch of a series of characters, generally with a penchant for a mixture between the abstract and the concrete. Usually, I don't write this sort of thing (I'm usually the one screaming, "if it doesn't have a form, it's smut!") - if you're nice, I might give you some form and rhymes to shuck and devour.

Now, this is where I get cranky - I'm not going to say "crit for crit", because, honestly, I like that sort of binding policy about as much as I like the two-party system in American politics... So, if I haven't given you a critique yet, you're probably going to get one eventually. (I've been trying to critique pieces that don't get anything in a day or that have simply sparked my interest. However, if you've got a piece and you're absolutely clueless as to what to do with it, PM me - I'd be glad to help out.)

Enjoy yourselves.

+++

If I were ivory
lips on a golden
wall, there would be
a thousand ways for
Me to Kiss the Sun.
But all one thousand of Me
would still only amount to
One.
And I were ivory lips on a golden statue, I'd scatter the winds to find the skull of
Dead
Apollo,
to rest well-wrought ink from the dome of his
Prophetic
head.
But I am mere flesh, blood, and sinew.
And there is nothing but light and sound to rustle these groves astounded.
If I were ivory lips
on an ebony heart,
I would crack and crumble
under the weight of an ironic smile.
Last edited by paraboetheo at Jul 5, 2006,
#2
wow love the rythym, great
i actually did enjoy this

If I were ivory lips
on an ebony heart,
I would crack and crumble
under the weight of an ironic smile.


love tha part the most, true my friend very true

and i love the pattern of Ivroy Lips,

so a good title would be Ivory Lips
Call me Sean
Quote by Nilpferdkoenig
He's just trying to protect our innocence.


Yes i am
Quote by :Vicious--

Your flirting powers are incredible.



Gear:
Schecter S1 Elite Black Cherry (Soapbar Neck, Invader Bridge)
Schecter Banshee
Orange Dual Terror
Boss CE-5
Goatkeeper
#3
so you're good at crits and writing.

this is interesting, i like the stumbling feel it has too it. while it possesses the qualities of spoken word, reading it clearly gives off an air of what it would sound like which is really impressive. the word choice and phrasing is excellent, and there is very little excess in the entire piece. you're subtle inclusions of imagery and metaphor greatly compliment the entire piece and basically it's flawless composed. i look forward to reading some more pieces from you.

9.5/10
#4
Wow, just as I hoped, it was great.

I'll echo everything the above poster has said.

Definitely can't wait to read more from you.
#5
Quote by paraboetheo


+++

If I were ivory
lips on a golden
wall, there would be
a thousand ways for
Me to Kiss the Sun.
I liked the capitalisation. The from is far from one than I can honestly say I like, but you have nailed it in a great manner; there's no doubting that.
But all one thousand of Me
would still only amount to
One.
Beautiful, nice progression and philosophically sound.
And I were ivory lips on a golden statue, I'd scatter the winds to find the skull of
Dead
You're picking up speed here, interesting and original, emotions are overcoming reason.
Apollo,
to rest well-wrought ink from the dome of his
Prophetic
head.Emotional inspiration, nice touch. Whenever I see the word dome in a piece I always think Kubla Kahn, but I doubt this was intentional.
But I am mere flesh, blood, and sinew.
And there is nothing but light and sound to rustle these groves astounded.
Still good, nothing to say here.
If I were ivory lips
on an ebony heart,
I would crack and crumble
under the weight of an ironic smile.
For some reason, the light/dark imagery and nihilistic tone remind me of "Daddy" by Plath.


All in all, an original and concrete piece. The rhythm, not of the lines flow per se but rather of the progression of ideas is what I appreciated the most. I'd also like to congratulate you for your in depth crits. You are an example for all new users. I will most certainly keep my eyes open for your work and keep writing and posting pieces. You also come across as a very well-educated member.


If you could tell me if you understand this, as I afraid I haven't been clear enough in my painting.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=379586