#1
I saw the schizophrenic man crying
because he saw he was alone;
he had to fly, he had to fly
to find himself a home.

I saw him take the broken glass
away from the floor,
and proceed to scratch his
sweet love?s name on the knotted oak door.

His love was gone, she flew away
so she could find her home.
He reached out to her every day
by writing her a poem;
he cried inside in every way;
He spoke out loud "I love you."
She didn't hear his soft voice break
because he is me and she is you,
and our togetherness has gone askew.


Just wrote this now for my girlfriend, yeah it's really straight forward and all that jazz...very simple, but it's important. Anyways, I'm not gonna be one of those people that says I don't care what you think because it's personal, because I do care what you think. Just give me the DL.

Crit for crit, and I expect crits back from those I crit.
#2
honestly - very very corny... But the bits that aren't corny (i'll leave it to you to decide which bits they are) are pretty exceptional.
and where you go descriptive - 'knotted oak door' kind of is more poetry than songwriting, if you see what i mean. and that line in particular sounds as if it's been written specially to rhyme with floor...
and btw, right on for being honest bout everything in this song, like how it's for you girlfriend - hope she likes it