#1
I don't remember posting this, if i have i'm sorry...

I've got music for this and i have a gig tomorrow night, so any ideas would be prefered really quickly please, i know i'm asking alot but i want some help. Anything you can give me would be good, i'll repay all crits that i owe, and that's a few i think but i'll get to them soon, sorry

ok, crit as soon as possible please
______________________________________________

My White Sound

?Yeah I?ve got this in the bag?
That?s the last thing that you said
Too bad for you that we missed the bus
And all we got was dead
With my slit fingers
There?s nothing I can feel now
I?ll blow you across the galaxy
With my white sound

Where are you now?
In a million little pieces
Brains mixed in with all your faeces
And I?m lying out
The damage you have done
Where are you now?
(Where are you now?)

These letters here from memories
I?m throwing out the old ones
At least I?m finding new stuff out again
(Where are you now?)
I?ve shredded all my feelings
On the guitar strings I could find
It?s just a pleasing way to pass the time

Where are you now?
In a million little pieces
Brains mixed in with all your faeces
And I?m lying out
The damage you have done
Where are you now?
(Where are you now?)
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#2
. I'm sorry, it's just that the faeces thing makes me laugh so hard. I don't know what to say... except that it's really good and I really like it.
Quote by forty-six_and_2
Whoa I just had a revelation: What if god is a dog?A big white fluffy dog that drools a lot and pees on random people and humps strangers' legs?
Quote by 0fishaleded
Wait..if someone owns a dog that does that..WTF
Quote by forty-six_and_2
Than...they own god! That's it. I'm getting a dog.
#3
haha, thanks ally

i just got back guys, went awesomely well... i'd still like your crits, the song was received pretty well which is good. But any crits would be greatly appreciated. thank you
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#4
I really like this one, it flowed nicely, and I think it was pretty well written, all in all. Maybe the bracketed "Where are you now" in the middle of the verse threw me off a bit, but if you have music to this then it probably fits in.

Do you have a link to anywhere on the net where you've got your music? It'd be great to have a listen to this, or any of your other pieces.
#5
jammydude44, site is

http://auals-god-destac.dmusic.com

enjoy (watch my voice in some of those songs, i'm not a singer _)

thanks for the crit
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#6
Really cool lyrics, I'm definately gonna take a listen...how did the crowd react to the faeces line? out of interest
#7
Your white sound, huh? Racist.

It was alright. Liked the flow.
Hi, I'm Peter
Last edited by Dirk Gently at Jul 7, 2006,
#8
First verse is a great opener, I want to use the word powerful?
The 'Brains mixed in with all your faeces' line doesn't seem to fit with the tone of the rest of the song.
Other than that I love it.
#9
Quote by Auals
I don't remember posting this, if i have i'm sorry...

I've got music for this and i have a gig tomorrow night, so any ideas would be prefered really quickly please, i know i'm asking alot but i want some help. Anything you can give me would be good, i'll repay all crits that i owe, and that's a few i think but i'll get to them soon, sorry

ok, crit as soon as possible please
______________________________________________

My White Sound

?Yeah I?ve got this in the bag?
That?s the last thing that you said
Too bad for you that we missed the bus
And all we got was dead
With my slit fingers
There?s nothing I can feel now
I?ll blow you across the galaxy
With my white sound

erm.. take out the second that in line two, one i wouldnt repeat 'that' and it jsut sounds better. take out the that in line 3 two. Umm and all we got was dead? that line ruins flow and is just kinda weird. rest aint bad

Where are you now?
In a million little pieces
Brains mixed in with all your faeces
And I?m lying out
The damage you have done
Where are you now?
(Where are you now?)

umm... sure the whole in a million pieces is over done though

These letters here from memories
I?m throwing out the old ones
At least I?m finding new stuff out again
(Where are you now?)
I?ve shredded all my feelings
On the guitar strings I could find
It?s just a pleasing way to pass the time

line three doesnt work. take out the out or something last line is pretty good

Where are you now?
In a million little pieces
Brains mixed in with all your faeces
And I?m lying out
The damage you have done
Where are you now?
(Where are you now?)


Umm you need to work on not putting in unnecessary words, other then that this would be pretty solid... if your returning theres one in my sig

-Mike