#1
Hey, im new here to the UG forums, but i was checking them out and it seems that there are some quality writers here that wuld be able to give me some good feedback and crits so that i can improve my pieces. This particular peace is more of a prose poem/possible lyrics that id like to improve. As always, i give a crit for a crit- so leave your two cents worth and i will do the same for you. thank you!


ephemeral truth

treading through shadowed paths
stuttered words hide scatterred thoughts
lying dormant in an abyss of ghosts
left with ephemeral truths
a mere prism of the past
in silence i wait for what is real
for an ethereal freedom
to find hope in the dark night
and understand where it is we find peace
#2
i like the way you go about this, it has a slightly eerie feel to me, which is always good, i like how the first for lines end in the same, ths or ts ending, may seem weird to others but to me it gives it a cool sort of structure, interesting wording, i like it, whats the meaning behind this poem is what i'd like to know
#3
A very well thought out concept, simply yet eloquently put. Love the imagery, above post is right in that it is very eerie. Your use of onomatopoeia highlights the transient feelings and search for truth prevalent in the piece. Keep writing, perhaps some more stanzas next time? Having said that, all that needed to be said in this piece has been said.
Well done, especially as you're so new.
"You can never quarantine the past."
#4
Quote by cerbius


ephemeral truth

treading through shadowed paths
stuttered words hide scatterred thoughts
lying dormant in an abyss of ghosts
left with ephemeral truths
a mere prism of the past
in silence i wait for what is real
for an ethereal freedom
to find hope in the dark night
and understand where it is we find peace


Ok good criticism lets gooooooooo

add punctuation

the ending is strange shouldnt it be 'understanding where it is we find peace' or something like that i dont even know how you ended this because well yeah idk what you mean. i really dont like the "abyss of ghosts thought, its rather unnecessary considering everywhere else in the piece its only considered as a "dark place" its unnecessary and the whole abyss of ghosts / just abyss is overused. Also this peace is rather one dimensional, it shows a setting and that your waiting for a truth/ freedom. Thats it, no resolve, no nothing its rather bland thats all i ahve to say

-Mike
#5
I agree with the poster above me.

I also think that you could build on what you have....the possibilities are endless with this piece, due to its short length.
Can You Fill In The Blanks?
#6
yeah i know what you mean trigfunction - thanks for pointing that out, i tried to keep it short and simple cause i was kinda going for another style , but it seems in that attempt i kinda loss the depth and whole meaning/resolve behind it! will work on this! thank you