#1
I wanted a stronger ending. And don't tell me this is too personal to rip apart, because it isn't.

I sit by her side on the hospital bed.
This isn't goodbye, but it is the end.
And I watch as her irises slowly drift down:
Like leaves that left the tree before autumn begun.
Her baby's breath slowly cooled in the frost
Standing in the snow I knew all hope was lost
The pink blossoms I knew she loved bloomed on the trees
But they brought no hope; I just thought to myself, "Please,
God, this is the only thing I've ever asked for,
I need to miraculously send a cure,
Cause she's the only one who's ever known me well.
And I promise to pray, at the end of my days.
If you save her then I'll sacrifice myself."
As they summer day dawned before I drove myself down,
I saw a picture of her not in a hospital gown,
And I think I cried, remembering better times,
Hoping they'd come, but knowing they'll never happen.
The sun seemed to mock me as I walked in the doors
And I climbed up the stairs to reach the 5th floor
Then I went to the sign, that read 615,
With that one push I was no longer alive.

Her voice.

"I was wondering what took you so long... I've been waiting. The doctors told me I didn't have much more time this morning. No, don't cry, we both knew this would come. I can't wait to feel alive... This past year's been like I was already dead. I had no feeling. I slid in and out ofconciousness. I just hope you won't ever end up like this... Never become a machine."

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Last edited by Retribution at Jul 5, 2006,
#2
I really liked the lyrics in this one. Maybe it's just the day I'm having but I wasn't able to stay with the pacing. Was it intentional to have the rhyming meter off a little? i really liked that. And I thought the ending was great.
You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
#3
A lont ime ago pretty good man

the lyrics were definatly meaningful

but it seems to me your halfway Rhyming- then not- so its got goor rythym n such- but as you read on some spots just kill the flow

also- good imagery- but try not to be so blatent on the lyrics- leave a little to imagine, to question

ie-"The pink blossoms I knew she loved bloomed on the trees" good line- but its sayin everythign there is to say- try somethign like

" and on the trees her pink blossoms bloomed"

"I need to miraculously send a cure,"

personally i dont like that line at all- leave it out- to blatant
Last edited by tongue untied at Jul 5, 2006,
#4
"Hoping they'd come, but knowing they'll never happen."
i dont like that line either- to much being said

try
" the memory taunting me down the hall"
or
" whishing it was so- but knowing that its not"

but overall great work- i liked it ALOT, 8/10, needs some work- an di know you can do it bro


please crit this for me- A long time ago
#5
The whole blossoms thing implied the change in seasons over the course of the year... plus, saying her "blossoms bloomed" sounds a tad bit wrong...

I agree, some of the imagery is over the top, but each has huge symbolism inside it, that really only I'll get, but I don't even care that you won't. Everything down to the room number means something.

Quote by jobe13
I really liked the lyrics in this one. Maybe it's just the day I'm having but I wasn't able to stay with the pacing. Was it intentional to have the rhyming meter off a little? i really liked that. And I thought the ending was great.


Yes, that was intentional, though I want to see if anyone can figure it out without making my poem in a certain shape to imply it even more.
#6
Just a guess on the numbers you read the Davinci Code and like the number five (either that or you were listening to a Lou Bega record). And 615 is one short of 616, the true number of the beast. I might fullcrit this when I get some time to dive into it correctly. I love when writer's put so much content in a piece.
#7
Quote by pooch0072
Just a guess on the numbers you read the Davinci Code and like the number five (either that or you were listening to a Lou Bega record). And 615 is one short of 616, the true number of the beast. I might fullcrit this when I get some time to dive into it correctly. I love when writer's put so much content in a piece.


Points for trying...

Looking forward to it.
#8
I sit by her side on the hospital bed.
This isn't goodbye, but it is the end.
And I watch as her irises slowly drift down:
Like leaves that left the tree before autumn begun.
The almost childish structure would have ruined many a piece, but the flow and unexpected originality make it just right. The seasonal symbolism is a nice touch; it never grows old.
Her baby's breath slowly cooled in the frost
Standing in the snow I knew all hope was lost
Interesting image for death...
The pink blossoms I knew she loved bloomed on the trees
Ooh, rebirth! I love rebirth!
But they brought no hope; I just thought to myself, "Please,
God, this is the only thing I've ever asked for,
I need to miraculously send a cure,
Cause she's the only one who's ever known me well.
This is great. Straightforward enough to be populistic yet concealing enough meaning to be interesting.
And I promise to pray, at the end of my days.
If you save her then I'll sacrifice myself."
Romantic. Yup, definetly. I would change the "and" for a "till" though
As they summer day dawned before I drove myself down,
I saw a picture of her not in a hospital gown,
Iffy flow here. May I suggest "I picture her not in a hospital gown"...
And I think I cried, remembering better times,
Hoping they'd come, but knowing they'll never happen.
Generic.
The sun seemed to mock me as I walked in the doors
Great line. Grandiose meekness.
And I climbed up the stairs to reach the 5th floor
Then I went to the sign, that read 615,
With that one push I was no longer alive.
Nothing to say.

Her voice.

"I was wondering what took you so long... I've been waiting. The doctors told me I didn't have much more time this morning. No, don't cry, we both knew this would come. I can't wait to feel alive... This past year's been like I was already dead. I had no feeling. I slid in and out ofconciousness. I just hope you won't ever end up like this... Never become a machine."

I'm sorry, but the number you're trying to reach has been disconnected.
Nice metaphor. Melodramatic but deadly effective. I would see this piece being somewhat more potent in aural form. Great well flowing double-layered piece James. Keep writing. If you could get at my Tumbleweed Salvation, I'd be ecstatic.
#9
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I wonder what that part was about. But anyways it was great, It sounds like a queensryche silent lucidity style of song.