#1
I'll stand still to the time lapse
the hands of the clock prey their attack
Try to take the words back,
Burden and agony is not what I lack

And I run untill my gas mask breaks
And I run untill my reason fakes
Its something I run from everyday
I will keep moving here I do not stay

The moments click away like our minds
Our Minds Fade backwards in time
Political Blindfold shudder my eyes
Breaking this sheild of good and baptize

I won't stand still untill the time lapse
I will fight back against the attack
I'm going to push the words back
The burdens fall off and lack

You say the borders are secure, I say otherwise
Watching bombs carried across through your lies
I'm watching this country detonate
Massacre, Massacre, you scream our fate

The moments click away like our minds
Our Minds Fade backwards in time
Political Blindfold shudder my eyes
Breaking this sheild of good and baptize

Detonate in Denial! (x 6)

The moments click away like our minds (Detonate in Denail)!
Our Minds Fade backwards in time (Detonate in Denial)!
Political Blindfold shudder my eyes (Detonate in Denail)!
Breaking this sheild of good and baptize (detonate in Denial!)

Detonate in Denail!


(Srry this is one of my earlier pecies.)
#2
i like it
definatly soem metal **** right there- i can see it a with a killer sppe driff and some double bass- i couldnt find anythign i didnt like

reminds me of my metal days... but whactch out how much you say detonate in denial- its seems metal to do stuff liek that- but its extremely hard to ull of without sounding cheesy
please crit this for me- A long time ago
#3
its alright... i give it a 6 out of 10

basically the two major things i noticed was 1) your rhyming scheme... not all four lines of the stanza have to have the same sound at the end... the more lines that follow the same rhyming pattern, the more... ehh... kindergarten-ish it sounds. and 2) the actual structure of it. while, for the most part it was well written, try giving it some variance. after about two stanzas in i got bored and didnt want to read when i saw that every following stanza was set up the EXACT same way.

the only other thing about it that caught my eye wasnt even in the poem... it was the last statement: "(Srry this is one of my earlier pecies.)"

alright, thats all fine and well.. but there are two things wrong with this.. 1) no one reading this is going to care when you wrote this... if it sucks... then it sucks (and im not saying it sucks, im just giving an example). and 2) HAVE SOME CONFIDENCE! if you come in saying something like that... basically showing no belief in yourself and that you wrote a decent peice, then no one will buy into it. first things first... YOU have to be satisfied with the piece first and foremost... and if you aren't... PRETEND PRETEND PRETEND. a false sense of confidence is not something easily picked out on the intraweb

so... overall, it is a good peice. i dont want any of this to be taken offense to... its purely constructive criticism. writing is definately a skill that needs to be honed in on. keep writing and you can be the next EA POE!
#4
Im critting because i think you were trying to be wity using alliteration in detonate in denial, and i wanted to tell you, its not wity. But ill crit anyway:P

Quote by Wingswonttakeme
I'll stand still to the time lapse
the hands of the clock prey their attack
Try to take the words back,
Burden and agony is not what I lack

ok youve started and a bbb rhyme sceme here, (im just addressing this because later you will change it

And I run untill my gas mask breaks
And I run untill my reason fakes
Its something I run from everyday
I will keep moving here I do not stay

until buddy :P only one L Also you changed your rhyme scheme to aabb, dont do that

The moments click away like our minds
Our Minds Fade backwards in time
Political Blindfold shudder my eyes
Breaking this sheild of good and baptize

Dont repeat the use of minds in line one and two

I won't stand still untill the time lapse
I will fight back against the attack
I'm going to push the words back
The burdens fall off and lack

one again you spelling until wrong now youve gone back to the abbb i really dont know what kind of rhyme scheme your going to but you cant really jump back and forth.

You say the borders are secure, I say otherwise
Watching bombs carried across through your lies
I'm watching this country detonate
Massacre, Massacre, you scream our fate

I really just dont like this stanza at all, the first line is just annoying and the "watching bombs carrieds across through your lies" i mean come on you obviously forced the rhyme and you lost sense along with it.

The moments click away like our minds
Our Minds Fade backwards in time
Political Blindfold shudder my eyes
Breaking this sheild of good and baptize

dont repeat minds... and everything before
Detonate in Denial! (x 6)

The moments click away like our minds (Detonate in Denail)!
Our Minds Fade backwards in time (Detonate in Denial)!
Political Blindfold shudder my eyes (Detonate in Denail)!
Breaking this sheild of good and baptize (detonate in Denial!)

Detonate in Denail!

you spelled denial wrong... 3 times. anyways you have my words :P

-Mike


(Srry this is one of my earlier pecies.)
#5
Quote by monte
its alright... i give it a 6 out of 10

basically the two major things i noticed was 1) your rhyming scheme... not all four lines of the stanza have to have the same sound at the end... the more lines that follow the same rhyming pattern, the more... ehh... kindergarten-ish it sounds. and 2) the actual structure of it. while, for the most part it was well written, try giving it some variance. after about two stanzas in i got bored and didnt want to read when i saw that every following stanza was set up the EXACT same way.

You shouldnt change up rhyme scheme and stanza structure like this guy said... dont listen to him

the only other thing about it that caught my eye wasnt even in the poem... it was the last statement: "(Srry this is one of my earlier pecies.)"

alright, thats all fine and well.. but there are two things wrong with this.. 1) no one reading this is going to care when you wrote this... if it sucks... then it sucks (and im not saying it sucks, im just giving an example). and 2) HAVE SOME CONFIDENCE! if you come in saying something like that... basically showing no belief in yourself and that you wrote a decent peice, then no one will buy into it. first things first... YOU have to be satisfied with the piece first and foremost... and if you aren't... PRETEND PRETEND PRETEND. a false sense of confidence is not something easily picked out on the intraweb

Dont pretend, just scratch it and repost. Dont post if you dont like something at all or are embarassed about something (though im guilty of that as well)

so... overall, it is a good peice. i dont want any of this to be taken offense to... its purely constructive criticism. writing is definately a skill that needs to be honed in on. keep writing and you can be the next EA POE!


so... yeah