#1
Wow, don't really know what to think of this.

The outro is unlike anything I have attempted before. The song is inspred from the Chili's, as Monday night just rocked me to my core..

Honesty is the best policy, let me know what you think, all thoughts, good and bad, are welcome.

Crit for crit, as usual.

ENJOY, or I hope you do.


Leaves of summer
Soon turn into Autumn
Gifted saviours
Soon turn into fallen

Rays of sunshine
Loom into the nightime
Waves of thunder
Soon become your lifetime

I'm alive without an animator
My problem is a lack of motivator

What's my calling
Who you fooling
I know I'm lost but I'm
Not looking for anything and
What's my calling
Who you stalling
I know I'm lost but I'm
Not looking for love again
Again

Loss of colour
Pale faces
Limbs with crutches
Mouths with braces

Helter skelter
Twisting turning
Misdirection
Is all a part of learning

I'm alive without an animator
My problem is a lack of motivator

What's my calling
Who you fooling
I know I'm lost but I'm
Not looking for anything and
What's my calling
Who you stalling
I know I'm lost but I'm
Not looking for love again
Again

Mohawk walking man littering the streets with his
Trash talking, open gawking at the lady lovers spilling
Ash onto the tray that he calls home, walking tall but
Inside small he knows not what but where as he stalks
Those lady lovers round the corner, he talks on his phone to
His so called mates who love him but also his wife
Shared round the gang she don't mind as it's behind
His back, he's back, morning time after a night of crime
Lost in his thoughts of yet another night spent
And another morning wondering where he went
He's almost crawling on his hands and knees just trying to find
Whatever it is is his calling, as his mind, body and soul slowly
Drift Away.
#2
Leaves of summer
Soon turn into Autumn
Gifted saviours
Soon turn into fallen
Yeah, the two first line are very cliche. I like the idea you were going for, especially in the last two lines, but I thought that in such a short stanza the cliche bit takes over too much.

Rays of sunshine
Loom into the nightime
Waves of thunder
Soon become your lifetime
Again, a great idea presented in a very corny and used way. I don't think you can change anything though, the piece just seems to be working on these very known phrases. I do think if you had elaborated a bit this would take the reader beyond, "oh, I've seen this a thousand times before."

I'm alive without an animator
My problem is a lack of motivator
Again, I really do like the theme behind all these words. In this bit you have given good wording and a very solid meaning behind it. I just wanted a little more. Go a little deeper.

What's my calling
Who you fooling
I know I'm lost but I'm
Not looking for anything and
What's my calling
Who you stalling
I know I'm lost but I'm
Not looking for love again
Again
I can't fault your attempts to present these feelings and to convay them in the clearest way, but I just think that you need to take all of youre ideas and make them yours by being a little more original. This, however, had flow and I thought it worked well in the greater theme.

Loss of colour
Pale faces
Limbs with crutches
Mouths with braces
Liked this bit. Made me smile for some reason. Again, wanted more.

Helter skelter
Twisting turning
Misdirection
Is all a part of learning
I don't like these short stanzas (sorry for repeating myself) They stop the flow of the piece and scramble the ideas too much.

I'm alive without an animator
My problem is a lack of motivator

What's my calling
Who you fooling
I know I'm lost but I'm
Not looking for anything and
What's my calling
Who you stalling
I know I'm lost but I'm
Not looking for love again
Again

Mohawk walking man littering the streets with his
Trash talking, open gawking at the lady lovers spilling
Ash onto the tray that he calls home, walking tall but
Inside small he knows not what but where as he stalks
Those lady lovers round the corner, he talks on his phone to
His so called mates who love him but also his wife
Shared round the gang she don't mind as it's behind
His back, he's back, morning time after a night of crime
Lost in his thoughts of yet another night spent
And another morning wondering where he went
He's almost crawling on his hands and knees just trying to find
Whatever it is is his calling, as his mind, body and soul slowly
Drift Away.
Now this bit was just lovely. It wasn't too short, it had great flow, a bit clumsy on structure, but I felt like it was part of the charm of it.

Not the most original wording or ideas, but still as a whole the piece worked well and this is your style, so I can't fault you.

But I would have loved to see a bit more of what you've produced in the last stanza.


Carmel
This is not a pipe
#3
Quote by Jammydude44
Wow, don't really know what to think of this.

The outro is unlike anything I have attempted before. The song is inspred from the Chili's, as Monday night just rocked me to my core..

Honesty is the best policy, let me know what you think, all thoughts, good and bad, are welcome.

Crit for crit, as usual.

ENJOY, or I hope you do.


Leaves of summer
Soon turn into Autumn
Gifted saviours
Soon turn into fallen

i dont like the way you put this, its kind of cliche and i really dont like the way you used fallen

Rays of sunshine
Loom into the nightime
Waves of thunder
Soon become your lifetime

this is kind of interesting actually

I'm alive without an animator
My problem is a lack of motivator

kind of a lame rhyme, sort of. This piece is interesting me.

What's my calling
Who you fooling
I know I'm lost but I'm
Not looking for anything and
What's my calling
Who you stalling
I know I'm lost but I'm
Not looking for love again
Again

dont like the repeat there at the end. This is more bland then the rest and its obviously the centerpiece of this. its not bad but not the best 6/10

Loss of colour
Pale faces
Limbs with crutches
Mouths with braces

good

Helter skelter
Twisting turning
Misdirection
Is all a part of learning

i really dont like the "helter skelter" here

I'm alive without an animator
My problem is a lack of motivator

What's my calling
Who you fooling
I know I'm lost but I'm
Not looking for anything and
What's my calling
Who you stalling
I know I'm lost but I'm
Not looking for love again
Again

Mohawk walking man littering the streets with his
Trash talking, open gawking at the lady lovers spilling
Ash onto the tray that he calls home, walking tall but
Inside small he knows not what but where as he stalks
Those lady lovers round the corner, he talks on his phone to
His so called mates who love him but also his wife
Shared round the gang she don't mind as it's behind
His back, he's back, morning time after a night of crime
Lost in his thoughts of yet another night spent
And another morning wondering where he went
He's almost crawling on his hands and knees just trying to find
Whatever it is is his calling, as his mind, body and soul slowly
Drift Away.


great way to end the piece, it kind of reminded me of my corporate ladders piece. Thats pretty go writing at the end man.

-Mike
#5
Good stuff. The ending is what kind of brings it all together. The beginning is kind of vague but the brings the peice to a pretty close. Over all i like. The originality, which I think that this is original, makes it hard to intensly crit. It is one of the peices that has no problems so it is all a matter of preference, and that is up to you man. Nice work.

plz crit
Naffin - The Choice
#2 member of the Bill and Ted fan club

"There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It lies between the pit of man's fears, and the summit of his knowledge. It is an area which we call ... THE TWILIGHT ZONE."
#6
Sorry for the bump but.. I need more help with this piece. I can't bear to see it slip away with only a few crits.

I'm right back with a crit, if you need one

And thanks Naffin, much appreciated.
#7
I think this is the best I've seen from you. Those short, sharp, sweet verses leading onto the leviathanical final verse is superb. There is not enough imagery and personal imprints in this to say this is one of the best pieces of songwriting I've seen on this forum, but it's not far away.

As soon as my eyes glanced over helter skelter my brain tried to fashion the song into an American Pie rhythm, so I had to read it another couple of times to rid myself of that

It's that last verse that sets this song from the rest. It's a great stop-start, high-low thing that just carries on and on, never letting up until the very last word. Congratulations on a simply superb song.
#8
This was ace, man. Really spectacular rhythm to it that I enjoyed a lot. As everyone's already said, the ending was very good. The one thing I'll advise you on, is that "My problem is a lack of motivator" seems a tad clumsy, but not enough to worry too much about.

If you have the chance, I'd love a crit: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=389508
Dem Dry Bones
Current read: I Am America (And You Can Too) (Stephen Colbert)
Album of the Week: Four Thieves Gone (The Avett Brothers)
#9
Wow, thanks Dæmönika, that's made my day- Thanks so much.

Doctor_rocker, also thankyou, I agree with what you said about the ocuplet, I need to improve them, I'll probably make a 4-line stanza from it- many thanks, crits is coming back
#10
Mate I will be back tomorrow and will crittety crit, looks promising though my son, nice rhythym and flow.
See you then Jammy

for now back to the top of the pile.
#11
i like it but it didn't keep my attention the whole time

Not looking for love again
Again

i don't like the second again there

but i loved the last little bit that really saved this one
#12
I agree with the whole.. the beginning doesn't compare to the end. Although I think both are pretty lackluster to be honest. Well, I guess if you were inspired by RHCP, the lyrics are probably going to be pretty bad . I'm sorry, but Anthony is one of the worst lyricists in modern music, and his uselessness in that talented band really angres me. His lyrics seem uninspired and just there to be there. For the most part these lyrics have that same problem.. lots of pointless, just there to be there moments. (stanzas four and five for the most part). I think it's funny that you have like a little rap at the end, but hopefully you weren't planning on delivering it in a rap form and rather in something else, because that would cheapen it's resolution of the piece, I think.

Oh. and about not trying to analyze things you don't get. who cares, that's how you get better. the more you do something the better you get at understanding it. you shouldn't be embrassed if your interpting of a poem is completely off base. just do it.

whatever?
#13
Leaves of summer
Soon turn into Autumn
Gifted saviours
Soon turn into fallen

The metaphor is a good one, comparing the leaves to fallen saviours.. the way you've chosen to express I find predictable and dull I'm afraid. Try reworking?

Rays of sunshine
Loom into the nightime
Waves of thunder
Soon become your lifetime

Not all that coherent.. 'waves of thunder soon become your lifetime'.. what does that mean?
Don't sacrifice meaning for rhyme :]


I'm alive without an animator
My problem is a lack of motivator

This is better, but 'motivator' sounds forced because you're trying to rhyme. 'Motivation' would fit better with the sense.

What's my calling
Who you fooling
I know I'm lost but I'm
Not looking for anything and
What's my calling
Who you stalling
I know I'm lost but I'm
Not looking for love again
Again

Very Chili's-esque. If that's what you were going for you definately achieved it in this stanza. Can imagine it fitting well with a funk bassline.


Loss of colour
Pale faces
Limbs with crutches
Mouths with braces

I quite like that. The rhyme isn't too bad, this is the best verse so far. I'd change the first line though, it's overused.

Helter skelter
Twisting turning
Misdirection
Is all a part of learning

Don't like this one as much. It' a bit dull, the rhyme is predictable. It's a bit Blink 182 :P

I'm alive without an animator
My problem is a lack of motivator

What's my calling
Who you fooling
I know I'm lost but I'm
Not looking for anything and
What's my calling
Who you stalling
I know I'm lost but I'm
Not looking for love again
Again

Mohawk walking man littering the streets with his
Trash talking, open gawking at the lady lovers spilling
Ash onto the tray that he calls home, walking tall but
Inside small he knows not what but where as he stalks
Those lady lovers round the corner, he talks on his phone to
His so called mates who love him but also his wife
Shared round the gang she don't mind as it's behind
His back, he's back, morning time after a night of crime
Lost in his thoughts of yet another night spent
And another morning wondering where he went
He's almost crawling on his hands and knees just trying to find
Whatever it is is his calling, as his mind, body and soul slowly
Drift Away.

GOLD. The rest of it was pretty bland but this is much, much better. It's original and again, I can imagine it in a Chili's song. The rhymes are much better and the flow is improved too.
Try and rework the rest to fit this last chunk.


Overall, there's room for improvement but after reading the last stanza I'd say it has potential as lyrics to be put to funk type music.
#15
Thanks to all those who have commented.

And pixiesfanyo, thanks for the advice, I'll take it onboard
#16
Leaves of summer
Soon turn into Autumn
Gifted saviours
Soon turn into fallen this Is a tad cliched, but I can see it working extremely well with a red hot chillis kind of thing.

Rays of sunshine
Loom into the nightime
Waves of thunder
Soon become your lifetime This compliments the last stanza very well. keeping very well to the same structure, nice and solid.

I'm alive without an animator
My problem is a lack of motivator I dont like this, it just seems forced and their just isnt anything there to grab onto rhythmically.

What's my calling
Who you fooling
I know I'm lost but I'm
Not looking for anything and
What's my calling
Who you stalling
I know I'm lost but I'm
Not looking for love again
Again This is good, it changes the pace up a bit, alters the rhythm and gives the song a bit of something new, it flows well and the actual lyrics are good, iftting well with the song.

Loss of colour
Pale faces
Limbs with crutches
Mouths with braces

Helter skelter
Twisting turning
Misdirection
Is all a part of learning These 2 stanzas are very like the first 2, well macthes, they work quite well and give you a bit of solidity.

I'm alive without an animator
My problem is a lack of motivator

What's my calling
Who you fooling
I know I'm lost but I'm
Not looking for anything and
What's my calling
Who you stalling
I know I'm lost but I'm
Not looking for love again
Again

Mohawk walking man littering the streets with his
Trash talking, open gawking at the lady lovers spilling
Ash onto the tray that he calls home, walking tall but
Inside small he knows not what but where as he stalks
Those lady lovers round the corner, he talks on his phone to
His so called mates who love him but also his wife
Shared round the gang she don't mind as it's behind
His back, he's back, morning time after a night of crime
Lost in his thoughts of yet another night spent
And another morning wondering where he went
He's almost crawling on his hands and knees just trying to find
Whatever it is is his calling, as his mind, body and soul slowly
Drift Away. I love this, changed up the whole song and just adds a new element to it, some good lyrics in there and lofws very well for such long, broken lines. good work

I like this piece, has some good changes of flow to kep it interesting, well suited to the style you were going for and nothing standing out as incredibly awkwardly done. 8/10
songs: Left Behind choices
Quote by MadClownDisease
Well I can top you all, I've done my mum, my step brother AND a cat. As well as quite a few corpses.
#17
I like the fact that you have gone for a certain style and done a pretty decent job. Like I said b4 the flow and rhythym are good, maybe some of the rhyming sounds a tad forced but doesnt that fit this style, I mean your not writing Shakespear right!

I agree about the motivator = motivation, seems a bit more meaningful.

Not a lot I can offer really bud cause I think you have got to where you wanted to on this piece, and I can Imagine that you are having a good time playing/singing it, so enjoy it mate, it is all your own hard work.

Keep it up Jammy.
Cheers Mate
#18
Cheers to you both, I think I've got more than enough comments to start rethinking this piece now, thanks alot.