#1
Okay, I took a few lines from my last piece, the first draft of this, and added emotion . This is my most personal (please tear it apart at will, I want honesty) piece i've ever done. Enjoy...



A ceramic entity,
Passive and placid
Restrained by a cord,
An umbilical seperation
I've been waiting so long,
For a bond, a brother to love

Judas kissed your neck,
And told you not to fret

Another cracked halo,
Splitting at the seams
One last resonant tear,
Tranquility ensues

Your life, your noose, your umbra

Emitting unfathomable words
Assuring me of your cascade
I wish I could have met you,
In the flesh
A faded heir,
Leon now,
Lies still

Last edited by DanteR* at Jul 7, 2006,
#2
Quote by DanteR*
Okay, I took a few lines from my last piece, the first draft of this, and added emotion . This is my most personal (please tear it apart at will, I want honesty) piece i've ever done. Enjoy...



A ceramic entity,
Passive and placid
Restrained by a cord,
An umbilical embargo
Clarify the beaten path,
And open up your ample eyes

i really dont like the "umbilical embargo" line. Also the last two lines are confusing are you telling this "entity" to open its eyes, or they reader or what exactly is going on, im being mislead here.

Judas kissed your neck,
And told you not to fret

interesting :P


Another cracked halo,
Splitting at the seams
One last resonant tear,
Tranquility ensues

umm halos dont have seams, i know you just added it for the sake of a line and the alliteration but it just doesnt really make sense. Unless your thinking like an internal seam 0.o rest is good

Your life, your noose, your umbra

umbra this is turning me on 0.o *looks up umbra* oooooooooooo

Emitting unfathomable words
Assuring me of your cascade
I wish I could have met you,
In the flesh
A faded heir,
Leon now,
Lies still

good ending


your still my favorite dylan :P
#6
A ceramic entity,
Passive and placid
Restrained by a cord,
An umbilical embargo
Clarify the beaten path,
And open up your ample eyes
This was a nice opening. I was not too sure about the line before last. "Clarify" seems a bit out of context, especially when it is not associated with anything. Clarifies, maybe? In any case I did like the idea of this stanza.

Judas kissed your neck,
And told you not to fret
Yeah, this I like. A lot.

Another cracked halo,
Splitting at the seams
One last resonant tear,
Tranquility ensues
Aww... I love every line but the last one here. It was just too expected of an ending. and the wording... I expected a little more to be at the end of such a nicely worded bit.

Your life, your noose, your umbra

Emitting unfathomable words
Assuring me of your cascade
I wish I could have met you,
In the flesh
A faded heir,
Leon now,
Lies still
I very strong ending.

In truth, a cannot say this is a bas piece, you have the wording, structure and ideas to make this great. I did miss flow, but maybe it's just me - I am a fan of that.
I'd hate to say it, since you mentioned how this is very personal, but to me it felt like it needed some more of a spark. To put all the pieces together. And although the ending was very good, I thought you still left it a bit out there, hanging.

A very enjoyable reading.


Carmel
This is not a pipe
#7
A ceramic entity,
Passive and placid
Restrained by a cord,
An umbilical embargo
Clarify the beaten path,
And open up your ample eyes

This is subject to vast/multiple interpretations. One could assume this is spiritual rebirth by your choice of words, yet any other form of realization could be assumed. Really it just needs to be a little more precise if you really want to get the meaning across.

Judas kissed your neck,
And told you not to fret

Again this adds that christian pespective. Is that what you wanted?

Another cracked halo,
Splitting at the seams
One last resonant tear,
Tranquility ensues

Again, the remnants of Jesus Christ appear. But this is good. because this verse adds a bit of depth.

Your life, your noose, your umbra

What the heck is umbra?

Emitting unfathomable words
Assuring me of your cascade
I wish I could have met you,
In the flesh
A faded heir,
Leon now,
Lies still

I'm not sure where this went. Who is Leon? It really messes with the different meanings that I got.


Over all, just clarify the text a little. It may be hard to comprehend for some. Just my opinion.

Crit plz
Naffin - The Choice
#2 member of the Bill and Ted fan club

"There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It lies between the pit of man's fears, and the summit of his knowledge. It is an area which we call ... THE TWILIGHT ZONE."
#8
"An umbilical embargo" sounds like a term dennis miller would use. Sounds like its trying too hard
#9
Quote by JJkunz978
"An umbilical embargo" sounds like a term dennis miller would use. Sounds like its trying too hard


ok... if you read the rest of the stanza you would notice that I wasn't implying anything political there...

To Naffin: I'm not religious in any way, I just like interesting religous metaphors

Thanks for all the crits... I know the lyrics are rather cryptic, it is always interesting to hear different views of the topic though...
#11
Quote by JJkunz978
im talkin bout the ****ty lyrics themselves...not the meaning of the song


Who are you to say that? You havent even posted a song here...

I already edited that line out anyways...

Why are you throwing a little hissy fit? Just because I misinterpreted what you was saying?
Last edited by DanteR* at Jul 7, 2006,
#12
Love this piece! Better than the crap that's out there now.
May the god of music be with you,
Nedir Kire
#13
wow, great song! lots of big word tho lol.....but i get your concept with it it might be better to add on to it and put more content in...but great song!
UG's HIPPIE
#14
very cryptic, can't quite make out the meaning.... I like a lot of songs like that, good job. A few lines are kinda strange, but as a whole i'd say it's good.

Crit for crit?